Between feeding the cats on the verandah in the early morning and my return from feeding the animals in the barn, White Cat had an episode that left him paralysed in his whole back half. Some kind of embolism in the spine the Vet said. I forget the word he used. White Cat was lying on the path and called to me quite cheerfully as I returned from the barn. He seemed to be more irritated by his legs not working than anything else. He laid by the fire the rest of the morning, while John groomed him, only crying when John paused. The vet was in surgery and we had to wait. But there was nothing the Vet could do.
White Cat’s name was Apollo. He was a Himalayan. He was famous for having fur on his paws, and consequently a very soft touch. John bought him as a gift for his daughter but as happens with children they leave and the pet stays. I always called him White Cat. Apollo seemed such a weighty name for a fluffy white cat that literally chased butterflies and once caught a cricket, never a mouse and would attempt to come inside trailing tall weeds caught in his too long fur. He and Big Dog were John’s only house mates for years and years before I came to live here. They were his team. At our best guess he would have been about eleven or twelve. 
And when any animal dies on the farmy, or in any household, we must pause. It is as though all their tiny beating hearts become a part of our own hearts rhythm, intertwined somehow, like the bass beat in a loud band, or a repeating brush from a drum, so we need to pause for a while and readjust our own hearts to beating along without them. This what we do, we adjust. 
Now, you remember the rule. A life is a life no matter how long or how short. No matter whether a large animal or a small one. All life deserves to be celebrated. So no crying. No weeping or gnashing of teeth. This is the cycle we take on when we take an animal in. It is hard but that is OK. And you, my darling reader, have also invested in the farmy when you read with me every day like you do, so you deserve to know the truth. I promised I would report the good and the bad. Yesterday was bad. The Vet concluded that Apollo had come to the end of his life as a cat.
I said to the vet, as he was busy with his preparations, stroking and settling the old cat until he began to sleep from his sedative, that this must be a very hard part of his job.
He looked at me gratefully. ” You know,” he said. He was quiet for a while as he swallowed heavy air. “When I was a very young vet I said to myself that this part of the job would get easier as I went along. But it didn’t.” He gently lifted White Cat’s paw to see if he was fully asleep before he began. Then nodding he settled it gently in perfect alignment with the other paw. “It got harder,” he said.
I did wonder at the time of this photograph whether there was some kind of celestial message when the skies opened and the first shaft of light for days and days chose White Cat. But I brushed it off as being fanciful.
Rest in Peace White Cat whose Name Was Apollo. I am fairly sure that is there is such a thing as reincarnation, then White Cat will not come back as a butterfly or a cricket.
Good morning. I am so sorry to bring you bad news. These are always the hardest of posts for you to read. Today I will try again for a Walkabout with the Camera House. So we can see everyone and name them and reassure ourselves. That will be good.
celi
Beautiful post. All our animals are special, and deserve to be recognized…
Wishing you a speedy and auspicious rebirth Apollo…
Really sorry about White Cat.
You told me not to cry but darn it—-I went ahead and did. White Cat AKA Apollo was beautiful and a beautiful partner on the farm. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful tribute post. RIP White Cat and may you enjoy the sunniest spot over the Rainbow Bridge.
Poor White Cat – I’m sure he had a wonderful life on the Farmy
Rest in Peace Apollo
Bless you all with peace today, c.
I agree, these times are never easy, but they are a part of life. Rest in peace White Cat.
I am so sorry for your loss! I loved his smoosh face.
They may be hard to read, but your philosophy is unbelievably comforting, and can be applied to any loss. Thank you for your honesty and caring nature.
I am sure that Apollo is safe at home, and that you will be reunited with him eventually. When I get home, I will have a lifetimes worth of animals with whom to have a glorious reunion. My hope and prayer is that the same is true for you. We are so much better off for having known them in our lives !
I am so sorry. The risk of loving is loss, but still we love. No matter how small the creature, there is always sadness when they leave us. Clearly White Cat held a special place in the heart of your farm. I must be of some comfort to have that lovely illuminated photo to remember him.
Ah yes. I have been in that vet’s office, petting my own white, or grey, or black, or tortoiseshell cat, watching it go to sleep as my heart hurts more and more. These little lives that become so much part of our own. I am so sorry.
Oh No C, I am very sad to hear about White Cat. My cats are my children so I guess that’s why I seem to feel the heartache a wee bit more when I read these kinds of posts.
Mandy xo
RIP White Cat aka Apollo.
What a beautiful post about White Cat. Glad for that caring vet. I think I’ll always remember your writing that our hearts have a rhythm like a band. Beautiful picture of the light on White Cat. May he rest in peace.
Oh dear. Wiping away a tear. Yesterday I thought about how I had to let ex have my beloved malamute Hunter because, after the divorce, I wasn’t in a healthy financial state to take care of Chloe plus Hunter, and naturally my child was my top priority. I always thought I would have him back but he died before I got to a state where I could handle things. So nice you have that lovely photo. I have lovely photos too. Much love and peace to you and I hope your heavy heart will be pink and light in no time.
Nice post please let John know I am sorry for his loss.
Not many cats like this get to go outside and be cats
he lived a great life there.
Eunice
Sorry about White Cat… a pet lost is a bit of your heart as well… till refilled by another, then the loss is bit a scar and a memory and the heart grows strong once more…
Oh I am so terribly sorry.
Hugs to all on the farmy … RIP Apollo. Laura
Losing our beloved pets is hard . . . and you’ve expressed your pause purrfectly.
Only a single tear. I still miss my own White cat. Hugs to all on the farmy.
What a wonderful life he had on the farmy – and what a wonderful tribute and dignified ending you gave him. Sorry, but I know we should celebrate life and not cry…but it´s hard.
Beautifully written.
“Be thou comforted, Little Dog. Thou, too, in Resurrection, shall have a little golden tail.” Martin Luther—I take this to mean that kitties are also included. White Cat felt your touch & heard your voice at the end and that is the reward.
For me growing up on a farm, the most difficult losses were always those of the cats or the dogs. We knew the destiny of the beef cattle. But we did not expect the deaths of felines or canines.
White Cat’s death must have been especially difficult for John.
I remember when John got the awesome cat!! Sorry to hear of the bad news. If I had to wager a guess on his age I would go with 7 or 8.
our pets become companions and their loss is always felt so poignantly.
I’m sorry for your loss. But happy that you were able to turn it into this post which speaks the truth: “Now, you remember the rule…. All life deserves to be celebrated.”
May you rest in peace, Apollo.
Well said, Celi. A beautiful post and tribute. Fare thee well, Apollo.
What a grand cat he was.
RIP Apollo. I’m sure he had a happy life on the farm…what more could ask for?
Amen and amen.
My heart gets heavy when I hear of a dear pets death .
I hope you can feel the warmth and support of all of us
As a family we give “white cat” a fond farewell
As a family we sent our warmest hugs to all at the farmy
I can completely feel for you and John. Our big guy came to the end of his days a few weeks ago. Our vet was right there with us tearing up. I can’t imagine that part of their job. That said, she was very much a comfort to us through the process, which was not easy. That was my first time to lose a pet as an adult, therefore my first time witnessing it. It’s quite humbling. I actually thought of you that day and went back to the words you wrote about a life is a life no matter how long or short. It provided comfort and has these past few weeks. I always appreciate your honesty. Sending you virtual hugs today. White Cat was a beauty and your photos always captured his personality.
So sorry, big hugs, just a few tears.
Tears, Celi. What a lovely cat White Cat was. He was the same age as our Siamese, Oliver, and I don’t think of him as an old cat at all. Untimely. So sorry.
Beautifully written tribute. I hope White Cat is off chasing butterflies and crickets, and enjoying the sunshine on his face.
OH, White Cat. Thanks for choosing to be you where needed for so long.
The portrait is an amazing shot – probably not an accident – something left to show his warm spirit is valued.
You know it seems cats seem to linger a bit in spirit to make sure you are comforted and it’s OK – Olde Tiger did.
Peace White Cat – butterflies fly in your honor here today.
A walk around the farmy seems in order.
How sad about Apollo… But he had a good and cheerful life and was very loved at his home on the farmy.
I’m so sorry to read of White Cat. My condolences to you and to John and most of all to Big Dog who has to be feeling the loss deepest of all.
Take care..
So sorry to hear about White Cat…. We went through a similar event with our old white cat,Obi. When he left this world at the vets, I cried my heart out.
I brought him home in the middle if winter and carefully wrapped him, protecting his body, and placed him on the north side of the house in a big shoebox until the ground unthawed in spring. I wanted him to be buried where he was born….
I bet all the Farmy critters know he’s missing. }HUGS{
Gmom
Oh Cinders…what a sad but beautiful tribute to Apollo…Your John, Apollo and all your beloveds on the farmy are so lucky to have you in their lives to offer such gentle, loving comfort in times like this….and for us too….That photo of Apollo is beautiful and yes, I think you are right about that moment when the sun broke through the clouds to shine on him….
I can’t follow your “no cry” rule. He was a beautiful bit of fluff–the photo does him justice.
A wonderful tribute to a great cat, and yes, there are tears. I’m so sorry for your and John’s loss, but it sounds like he had a wonderful life to the end. Rest peacefully White Cat/Apollo, faithful friend.
So sorry, Celi–I’ve been there! Sounds like many of us have.
I’m so sorry for John and for you…it is hard, these reordering of our hearts without the beats of the furry friends mingled in. Celebrations come later, when time moves forward then all the fun, clever, and cute things come back. The strong and amazing things return. But for a little while, like the earth winching itself back toward spring, our hearts can only take tiny, small steps until completely turned.
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
http://deltacountyhistoricalsociety.wordpress.com
Writing is a gift in its way of starting the healing process. Hugs to everyone on the farmy today as goodbye is felt in an empty corner of the heart. Thanks for sharing all things with us, good or bad.
Oh No – loved White Cat – so sad – here’s to a successful journey over the rainbow with plenty of sunbeams and cat nip on the other side:)
That is exactly the kind of Vet I admire and appreciate. The passing of one life is a time of reflection. White Cat was a beautiful cat and I’m sure will be missed. We had an all-black cat for almost 23 years that developed the same thing, a clot that made it necessary for us to move in the same manner. I’m glad you shared the events of the day. For all who love animals it’s never easy! But yes, part of it.
Big hugs to John. There are tears here too – sorry Celi. How lucky we all are, that we have loved something so much, that it hurts to lose them. That last photo of Apollo is a beauty. XO
So sorry to hear of White Cat’s untimely demise, but it sounds like he had a wonderful life on the farmy. Pls give John our deepest sympathy.
Very dear piece; the reverence for life and kindness to animals and people too lifted off the page. Over the rainbow bridge-white cat!
Lovely that your vet is so tender-hearted. Condolences to John. Fortunately, he has you now.
“And when any animal dies on the farmy, or in any household, we must pause. It is as though all their tiny beating hearts become a part of our own hearts rhythm, intertwined somehow, like the bass beat in a loud band, or a repeating brush from a drum, so we need to pause for a while and readjust our own hearts to beating along without them.” Perfect, I wish I had said this.
It was very hard for me not to cry! White cat was so beautiful and how sweet that he was part of John’s team before you arrived. I’m happy he’ll be remembered by so many.
This was a beautiful eulogy to an animal who touched yours and John’s lives. White Cat felt that love and knew his place was with both of you. You gave him a good home with the comforts that all pets deserve. The worst part of owning a pet is that we all know when we begin the experience that we will outlive that wonderful animal and have to mourn its loss.
I read your post early this morning Celi. Then I had to go away from it – for a while. Only because words are difficult to write . V.
Even though I’m sad, and sorry… I didn’t cry this time. Your tribute to, and photo of White Cat sharing and celebrating his life reminded me that served me better than sorrow… but it would have been a tough tough day for the farmy household.
I’m sorry to hear about White Cat. You articulated it beautifully when you said that our animals’ heartbeats become part of our own so when we lose one of the animals we have to readjust our own heartbeat. I’d never thought of it like that before.
Sounds like saddle thrombosis. We just experienced this with our 19 year kitty. Share a good cry as you dig the hole and say good bye to Apollo. I bet you all had good times and made some history together. Best wishes.
Aw, he was a beautiful kitty.
I am sorry to read this news – all our animals touch our hearts and we know sometime we will have to bid them goodbye – but they enrich our lives so much and I think they know it. A snake got 3 of our budgies during the night. They are so small but its still sad – the snake was small too apart from 3 little bumps. We relocated him 2km down the road and hope he doesn’t return again. Thank you for your beautiful writing, you say things so well. Joy
I love that you say our hearts beat along with all of our animals. Very true. Well said. And yes, sad as well, but that’s the part of life that helps us recognize all the we have and love.
Rest now..Dear Apollo (White Cat)
Sorry C and John.
Difficult to believe photos of the White Cat will no longer grace these pages. But he went in peace feeling your love and will stay in your fond memory . . . I think most of us have been there . . . Blessings . . .
Hi Celi, sad to hear your news. I also want to let you know that I have nominated your blog for a Liebster Award. Check my post for the criteria. All the best, Flavia.
A sad post, yes, but delivered beautifully, C.
Farewell White Cat whose Name was Apollo.
Beautiful words for a beautiful cat, Celi… The creatures we love and who love us make such a dent in our lives….and how rich they makes our lives too…
John, sorry to hear about your cat
Hey Dave, I passed your message on! He said to tell you that as soon as there is a roof on the guest house he is expecting you to come on over and visit! bring your mother in law! we liked her!!! c
This makes me feel sad. I’ve seen the exact symptoms before in a RABBIT. I was driving along on some back road in New Hampshire, and somebody had hit this poor beast – who kept looking at the injured part of its body with so much fear and trepidation, as if to say ‘why won’t you cooperate?!’
Glad you pause to honor your fallen. Enough animals, loads of grief, over time.
Hugs.
I’m catching up with your posts, and this was a sad one indeed. But also uplifting, the way you write about everything being part of a whole and the beating of all hearts needing to realign. I like the way you are realistic too. There’s no room for sentimentality when living close to the land.
I’m truly sorry C! But he has a long and very good life and you and John made it possible.
A lovely portrait of White Cat.
I seem to be experiencing a monitor problem; suddenly my screen has gone all blurry. I’m certain it will clear in a moment…
So sorry to hear that, but I thank you for the sad news anyway.
And that “So no crying.” is easier said than done. I do have two wet eyes now.
Awwww.you have such a lovely way of looking at this….I look now through teary eyes. This is never easy but I know his life with you and your husband were enough for him!