New Zealand Week: watching the rugby from the prairies!

As you know we do not have cable TV. But because the rugby world cup had low ratings in the States, it was being shown on the free TV channels out here on the prairies. So we got to see a bit of it.

John decided to take an interest.

What is that dance thing?

That is the haka. Best not to describe it as a dance thing though,  it is meant to terrify the opponents.  All very serious that is. Personally, I think it is the best bit.

And so John would watch some more. I would stand in the corner with a tea towel and think about staying for a minute.

So how much are they worth? John asks.

Worth? They are not professional.  And you don’t buy people in New Zealand. There are other ways of keeping them but they don’t buy and sell rugby players. They all have real jobs.

You have got to be kidding.  He said. They must get paid.  Who would do this if they didn’t get paid.  The boys on the tele drop into a scrum.  Thump.  You mean they train after work? What are they doing now? (see apology to john at the end of this piece)

Oh, I know this bit.  A scrum is all about weight. The backs are in there heaving that is why they have some really big fellas in there. They are called backs because they have very heavy backs and stand up the back.   Or maybe those are the forwards.  Whoever they are they get down and try to push the other team closer to their goal and the other team heaves them away and they call each other names and kick the ball about with their boots and try to get it out to their guy who grabs it runs with it under  the goal posts. He has to press it into the ground though for it to be a goal. You can’t just run and dance around under there.

But they are kicking it now, says John. To the wrong guy. Well, what are the rules? Don’t you know the rules?

Oh the rules. Well. I was never very good with rules.

Well he kicked, says John, why did he kick, there seems no reason for him to kick and then he chased it, what is going on here and why does the ref  keep blowing the damn whistle.

I think you are onto it now, honey, I think you are meant to blame the ref. It seems to me that you are supposed to jump up off the couch, point to a corner of the TV screen  and then scream: Ref, Ref, are you blind?  How could you have missed that? What are you doing out there?! Are you an idiot?!  Then call him all kinds of filthy words and say mean things about his relationship with his mother.  It pretty much is always the refs fault, I think.

I still can’t believe they don’t get paid.  What if they are injured?

Well, they fix you for  free in NZ, especially for injuries. And the clubs would help out I guess. I suppose they would have medical insurance so they can go to a posh hospital. Not many people have medical insurance  at home.  You don’t have to.  We have big free hospitals. And remember they don’t always play for the All Blacks that is just for the international games. They all come from different regions and late in the season they are chosen for the All Blacks. It all has something to do with socks. Each region has different socks  but the same shorts. No pockets in their shorts though, that is not allowed.  It seems to me that their shorts used to be shorter. Oh dear, look at that fellow with all his hair.  You would think someone would pull it.

It goes like this: school teams, club teams, regional teams and then the All Blacks. Then they all go back to their clubs afterwards I think. Though I am not completely sure. I didn’t know there was going to be a test!

Well, why aren’t they wearing helmets? No shoulder pads, nothing.

It’s the All Blacks, John.  Their shoulders are wide enough without padding. They wear mouth guards, tiny thin shin pads that are hardly worth the effort and a box for their .. you know, ghoulies. Oh, there is a guy with a little soft helmet. How sensible.  I think that is because they don’t want cauliflower ears. At least they don’t tuck barmaids towels into their pants.

They only play together for a short time and then they go back to work as brickies or chippies or scarfies. Some of them  go to uni, but I do wonder.  They have to take time off from work to play. Oh look he almost clothes-lined him.  Ref!  That guy is mean, look at his eyes they are way too close together. Well, I don’t like him at all.

I don’t think you are helping, says John.

Oh.  Maybe we should call senior son, he can tell you. Or maybe eldest son. You know. I sit down, warming to the subject. John sighs. After the game they all go back to the club house and have a cup of tea. After they have swapped their jerseys.  Though I think they only swap jerseys so that they can show their bodies to the girls in the stands. Seems to me they walk about with their shirts off for bit long! And it is winter remember. Cold.

Well, one thing I know for sure John says, looking at the running carnage on the screen. Those guys are not drinking tea after the game.

Well, maybe that is cricket. You are right, Rugby is beer. After a club game, both teams shower in their separate changing rooms, dress in their  Number Ones, spray on their smellies  and they all meet in the clubhouse for a drink and a feed.  All clubs have a club house. The Mums from the home team cook huge amounts of food and everyone eats together.  You always feed the other team before they get back on the bus. It would be rude not to.  Can’t send them away hungry and sober. Every club has a bar. It is mandatory.

Don’t they fight each other?

In the club house? Good God No, well at least not ’til after they have had a few more drinks and maybe moved to another bar.  If things are uncomfortable, if they won I mean,  the Away Team will eat quietly at the Away Team tables, then shake everyones hand and say they have a long bus ride home. No, they only hate the ref. The ref only stays for one short drink then scarpers. If he turns up at all. Everyone hates the ref.  They don’t hate each other. Half  of them have played together one way or the other. It is a tiny country.  It is just a game you know. Though I have been told not to say that in company. 

Well, back to the dishes. Sing out darling, if you have any more questions!!

c

editors note: apparently (senior son just called) the All Blacks DO make pots of money running about the paddock wreaking havoc. So apologies John. When you get home from work I shall burst the bubble! I thought they just did it because they loved it! What was I thinking? In fact they all get paid!  I am appalled! c