For many, many years I spent Christmas Day alone. Quite happily. I counted to thirteen Christmas mornings waking up in an empty house then I stopped counting. My children always spent Christmas with their beloved Grandmother my ex husbands mother. This was our tradition – a good one too. And I had a project every Christmas Day, usually in my darkroom. Then I ate my dinner and watched movies that I had rented from the video store down the road. And that was my lovely Christmas day.
And slowly my Christmas spirit leached out, a tiny bit at a time, it lay about on the floor for a while creeping out with a sly dry ‘what about me’ sigh every year but eventually I brushed its desiccated body up with my special brush and shovel and stored it in one of those secret boxes in my mind. The little jewelled boxes where you store such things so they don’t overwhelm you. You have them still, the secrets, but they are in box with a lid. And a clasp. With a key that you turn.
And now, older, I am here with my new American family.( I have been here 7 years now). And the hooplah aimed at Christmas is fierce with its bright-eyed heat seeking gaiety. And I still feel a certain dread at the unrelenting march of days towards Christmas Day and all its expectations. I kind of liked knowing that I would not have to perform at Christmas. That it was the one day in a year that I was guaranteed a free afternoon. When the roads were quiet in the morning. When I could eat my dinner (steak, mashed potatoes, lots of gravy, salad and a bottle of cold white wine) sitting cross legged on the couch, slung about any which way I wanted, watching Breakfast at Tiffanys knowing the phone would not ring.
They call me The Grinch here and I am afraid that the oozy, earthy moist (sorry Roger) smell that has appeared in the basement is The Ghost of Christmas past and all my Christmas parables will get mixed up and take over the washing machine and teach me a thing or two about Leaching.
I know this is a selfish admission but as I went about the barn with my torch last night, not speaking so as not to create Awakenings, (though Sheila always knows I am there and grunts gently: close the door you are letting in the draft then fix my blankie) I was checking lights and waters and slumbers before the final doors were shut for the night, and as I latched the reluctant latch, perched on the frozen ground, my torch under my arm so I could use both hands, I thought that I would rather spend Christmas in the barn. (After I have given everyone their presents.)
I know we are not meant to say such things aloud so I am going to whisper them onto this page.
We must smile and cook and eat and have a lovely meal and thank you ever so much for the gifts. And we Will smile and cook and eat the lovely meal and then wash up all the dishes and put them back in the cupboards shiny and warm from the hot water with our dishpan hands but there is always an element of aloneness in these movements that is OK. Taking this day to work quietly in the kitchen is OK without giving in to the party police, or the ardent Christmas Carolers. Bless them. I love those people who have that wonderful gift of loving everything about Christmas. Because I struggle with it.
All I ask is that you will understand us, those ones who are alone or wish to be alone and who will lie to our friends (sorry Donna) so that we can be alone – on Christmas Day. We are perfectly fine. Don’t worry.
You see, some of us might discover sadness in the oven with the ham, the flip side of gaiety be it forced, bottle shaped or otherwise shuffles about in the basket of fresh steaming rolls, the rising descant in melody under the melody of clinking crockery that comes from missing your own people on Christmas day muddles about in your salad. The ones who came before and left before too. You miss them. So do I. The little box in your mind where you have stashed your longing for the lost ones, or the far away ones, or the faded ones creaks and rocks its moorings, that bulging little box with the curved lid that you have to sit on to snap the latches closed heaves up into your throat. Days like Christmas Day tug at the locks and handles of the box. Fingers scratching with tips of wet green nails. There is a wobble in the hinges of my steadfastness, my determination – on Christmas day. It is easier to manage without the morphine of merriment.
This is why it is OK to want to be alone on Christmas Day. And it is even more OK to be happy whilst being alone on Christmas Day.
And I bet I am not alone in this feeling.
You all have a lovely day. This is Christmas Eve in America. And for my darlings in Melbourne, Sydney, The Outback (yes that is you cousin Maria), Hawke’s Bay, Mahia, Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch. Merry Christmas.
Love your friend on the farmy,
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
147 responses to “It is the time of year for Christmas Revelry. If you want to.”
Wishing you Peace, my friend…however you find it. Not just at Christmas, but each and every day.
Your house will be pure Christmas tomorrow Marie, with those two rascals and delightful naughtiness! Have a great Christmas.. c
Nearly Christmas Day here! Loved your thoughts C
Good morning! Yes you and my other Pacific people will be just about at the present opening stage. I love giving the presents.I made myself, this year it is home made soap and frozen pasture raised chickens! That is the best bit of christmas.. c
I can imagine setting up a TV in the barn with Sheila and watching old films all day 😉
I’m quite happy to be alone at Christmas as long as I have something nice to cook.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas 🙂
I had never thought of that, what a super idea! Though it is 0F out there this morning.. we may need a few extra blankies Sheila and I.
Most definitely 🙂
No you are not alone with that feeling. Here I sit in my little cottage, my 7th Christmas alone. I remember the first time I spent it alone, nearly broke my heart. No presents in the morning, but I was determined the rest of the day would be just the same as every other Christmas. So i cooked the full English breakfast (hard to do here in the US as you can’t find the bacon!), which my animals got most of. I raised a glass of Bucks Fizz and wished myself and distant family good luck. I cooked the turkey with all the trimmings for dinner. Laid the table with all it’s finery and there I sat, just me with this huge meal in front of me and all I could do was sob. Not a bit of that food was eaten that night by me, but my pets had a second good meal that day! Over the following years i have come to except my Christmas Day, and have new traditions now. Plus pet sitting whilst my clients and friends go away means I get to spend time with lots of my furry friends this time of year. I still shed a silent tear each year for my Dad, who was the biggest kid this time of year, and the instigator of all my old traditions. But being alone doesn’t have to mean you are lonely.
Big Hugs Celi, have a wonderful day tomorrow, and I hope you get to slip away for a while and share a silent moment with the rest of us who are breathing quietly in to the night.
I really love those traditions you design yourself around your own life. I hope you don’t belt me but i envy you your day without other people pulling you her and there. When it is your kids it is a joy of course, but .. well you know what I mean. This evening I will raise a glass with you from way over here to your Dad, who loved Christmas and to us the ones who really don’t mind but that’s OK.. c
Yes, I am by myself on this holiday and feeling content and thankful. And thank you for reading my mind, and writing everything that I feel. I’m thrilled for all the folks who have lively Christmas spirit! I’m perfectly content not to be one of them….and with that, I say Merry Christmas to you, Celi, and all the Farmy Friends! 🙂 PS: Dang, it’s cold this morning!!! 2 degrees here…Brrr!
Yes.. deeply cold here too, unless you are a sheep! This is sheep weather! Have a lovely few days Nancy, Wonderful that so many of us think the same.. alone is not lonely.. !!. and we don’t mind. c
It’s not for me, Christmas alone. I’m so far from my family, and now far too from my friends, that I have to make happiness happen to fill the void they’ve left. So I assemble the Husband’s Tribe, and feed everyone, and find myself necessary, and not missing everyone quite so much… I wish you as many solitary moments as you need to get through the festive season. Happy Christmas, Celi, you and all the inhabitants of the Farmy. Kate
I think it is great that you have found a way to fill the day joyfully. Assembling and feeding a tribe will keep you out of trouble!! have a wonderful Christmas Kate.. c
May Peace be with you Miss C and Lyn..
However you choose to spend your day, may you find peace , happiness , good health and contentment.
Actually I would love to spend Christmas with Sheila, Daisy and Queenie and the rest ..what better way is there????
Except it is so terribly cold today!! I fed them and zoomed back inside. the temp inside was just above 50, (the fire is only just keeping up) but that was 50 degrees warmer than the barn..Have a lovely christmas day Miss Whiplash.. c
Yes, yes and yes. I am spending the day on my own with my faithful doggy and perfectly happy to be doing so. Wishing all on the farmy and the farmy fellowship peace and happiness. Laura
Laura, a woman after my own heart – have a super day, i hope you and faithful doggy get time for a good long walk in the peaceful streets, i used to love my christmas day walk.. c
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and as far as I can tell … you are very much not alone. Sure they don’t speaka much English, but they are there. Cows, chooks, sheep, pea-things, pigs, dogs, cats, I’m guessing there are more, but it’s hard to keep up … ducks? You need ducks. … it must be very lively! Your online family, they are loving and waiting for December happenings on the farmy. For me, Christmas died when I was a teen. It never really came back until we had wee ones. Young kiddies gave me those Christmas tingles again. They get so excited!
But more importantly, I see an advent calendar in your future. I’m not sure what it would say, but each day could be something other than counting down to the excitement of tons of presents under the tree. We are adults now. Santa isn’t real ( oh geez, I hope I didn’t blow it ).
I’m excited that we have three more seconds of daylight! Keep warm! I can’t wait for next year! And if you would, can you make ” day 15 ” a little tube of lipstick?
AH, Jean, an advent calender, what a startling idea. Ok I shall start the planning for next year. Day 15 will be lipstick day! You are right about children bringing the sparkle to christmas.. I am glad you found your christmas muse in them. have a lovely christmas eve, in NZ christmas eve is when all the mates get together and drink in pubs! It is not a family day at all. And ducks, yes I am going to be growing ducks next year, I am sure a few will escape the chop and join that wild barn flock.. I must talk to you about sending grass fed meat to my friends over there.. do you do that? courier it or something?.. c
A few geese would be nice, too, I think.
i thought i was the only 1 that avoided human contact at christmas
in past i was broke, really broke
everyone felt sorry for me and would give me stuff, useless stuff, and of course i had to give them a gift back, bought with money i needed for luxurys, like grocerys,utilitys,ect
i hated to see them waste money on me by giving something i could not use, or want, i tryed to get them to spend whatever they planned to spend on me, on themselves, but no one did
so i got the bright idea how to put end to gifting,…rabbits, live bunnys
and i told each reciepant that their bunny was the most popular rabbit in pen,a gift that keeps giving, so to speek
that broke up the gifting for me, thankfully
still have to go to one of my sisters homes for a meal,every christmas, and family bonding, but am pretty much left to myself, after that ordeal is over
Ron, that is hilarious and awful and hilarious!! How clever of you.. Sounds like you found a unique way of balancing out your christmas life.. hope you have a lovely day tomorrow, eat lots of good food then home for a rest! c
i do enjoy christmas, in my own way, family is fine, in small doses
when anyone ask what i want for christmas, i ask what is their prefrence in bunny colors
that starts the funny storys of speedy regifting.
i hope your christmas is enjoyable
The best chrissie pressie i have heard in years.. love it.. c
What a beautiful post. I also miss being alone…not, perhaps, at Christmas, but many other times…solitude is a precious gift and that too is what Christmas is about. xo
Good Morning Natalia, You are such a strong woman, i cam sure that comes from having a core of solitude tucked away deep inside.. have a lovely few days.. c
How beautifully you put into words the feelings of missing loved ones . . . My children are adults and too far away to come home for Christmas this year. I am sad but also happy knowing that both are celebrating with their soulmates and building their own traditions together.
Dear Monica, it is a good Mum who allows her children to stand up and develop their own traditions like that, empowering.. wonderful.. c
wow. you told *my* story.
love you so very much, celi.
I knew there were more of us out there, love that you are part of the Fellowship.. have a good day.. c
Hey Miss C. If you are alone in a crowd is that a problem? I
Never a problem Mike. I suspect you and I would get on very well in a crowd. c
Oh C – you gave me a tear – and it’s all about love. So eloquently put. I miss community and people with ‘some’ knowledge if me and us, but none the less, gor the time being, our tradition appears to be morphing into one of change – so right now we are at a seaside bach, in Tasmania, 45 mins from Hobart. There’s a chill in the air but it’s bliss being away from the humidity of the Arnhem Land for a spell., and clearly nothing like what you golk are enduring! Santa has laid a trail of ‘Roses’ chocolates from the fireplace to the peeps and their booty is in place – Lego for the lad and season four of ‘Glee’, if you know it, for the lass – amongst a modest amount of goodies and the obligatory apricots, cherries and nectarines – and a couple of her very own avocados!!!
I wish you peace, lots of phone calls from ‘the five and theirs’. Happy days to you John, the Matriarch, the old Codger and the full cast out in the barn. It was sad about Kupa. Lucky you have the ging-a and blue to carry you through. How smitten are they, with each other!? Lots of love Maria xxxxxx
for and folk! NOT gor and GOLK!!
I like Gor and Golk better cousin! Love that youa re at a bach, give my love to the babes and tell them one day you are bringing them out to visit Cousin Celi, and pass my love onto Madeleine and Paul when you do the obligatory Christmas phone call!! You will have a great day. Warm.. c
Hah haha. About to make that call!!! We will definately see you up your way for a white Xmas in the future. Clint and I are super keen. Lots of love. Xxxxx