Last night, as I took a quick shot of the sunset then raced back to the house to finish all the work in there that was piling up-
I made a Decision.
It is always important to look at your objectives and then re-evaluate and make a decision. So let’s do that.
a) Have I achieved the objectives so far.?
b) Have I achieved the best I can do.?
c) Is this the lifestyle that I want?
d) Am I Trusting the Monster?
So here is the equation using The Book as an example.
a) I wanted to get the Letters for my Little Sister collected and bound and out to all the writers – with a few copies for all the families in my family. I wanted to make a book to give to my Little Sister in October. DONE
b) Have I done the best I can do. YES. Within my objective YES. Unless I change my objective and PUSH hard to find more buyers and more readers and make this go viral. Then No. Do I want that? Actually I don’t care. I am a small group person. You are my small group. I am happy with us all having a book each. (However that is not to say that someone else may want to step up and promote the book into the cosmos – that would be fine too)
c) Is the last few weeks the lifestyle I want? Not really. It is too pressured for me. I am very, very overwhelmed. I do not like that feeling of chasing after my life. Animals always suffer when I get overwhelmed. I would rather be farming, travelling, blogging and announcing the next book for us in The Fellowship series and writing the children’s book that has been neglected. I had more fun writing and collating. I want to lean on a gate and watch the pigs.
I have been spending hours a day on this, money (from my trip savings), and making myself miserable trying to sell this book PAST my objective. Every single one of our first two hundred books went to someone I know with no trouble at all. Surely that is a good thing. I have achieved what I set out to achieve. More than that is a wonderful surprise and should not be a horrible slog.
d) Trust the Monster. When we create something worthy and wonderful and deep like this it awakens A Monster of action. I always find it hard to describe my Monster, but I have worked alongside her often. The Monster moves at the appropriate pace and, if set free, will begin to drive the action with her considerable weight and plodding, gentle, steely gait The book is out. Many of you are reading it right now. It is a very good book. Many of you will recommend it to your friends and readers, write reviews, generally do what I have been doing. The Monster is awakening and will soon stretch her strong girly fingernails and big feet into the arena. I need to trust you and The Monster. It is actually a little arrogant to think I have to take all this on myself. We are The Fellowship after all. We will make sure that whoever needs a copy gets one.
So I am going to take a step back. I will not blather on about it here anymore. As the reviews build and as the readers begin to talk to each other sales will build or Not. I need to settle down and trust The Monster. There are 100 more books arriving next week. The postmistress will handle sales while I am away. And I have given myself back Time. Time to work, farm, write, plot and travel. Time. Thank you for encouraging me to do so, darlings. I need to go up to the loft and find my suitcase and give myself the Time to start looking forward to my children.
I don’t want to give up talking to you in the comments lounge. I don’t want to give up reading and writing and sitting in the field with the calves. A slow trickle of sales would suit me better. I do not want to become the Avon lady at the dinner party.
And I have hay to bale before the rain. And it is clouding over. Tima is calling to me. And Boo is in full wriggle mode waiting for me to POST and get the Hell out of the House!
Thank you all. The Monster is rumbling awake, I am going to let The Monster handle it, let’s keep talking and sharing and see what happens next.
Much love
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
52 responses to “A D-cision”
On this very subject, thewritersalmanac for today: the Sorrel Filly , a poem by Wendall Barry.
thank you darling and you are so right in many ways. Have a great day, are you getting rain yet? I am hoping it will miss us for a few hours more.. c
You’re a wise woman, miss c, and I do so admire you.
Ceci – the book will take off and flourish in its own time so please don’t worry about that. You remind me of the me I used to be before I realized that anything my ‘me’ did – from the tiniest task to the llama’s spitting laughter.\\\ Thanks so much for your friendship. Julie
Thank you Julie and straight back atcha.. hope you are feeling better.. c
Wow! Impressive analysis of your process. I am very new to your blog and don’t know any of the other connections you have with the fellowship so I don’t chime in much. But your wisdom in this post kind of blows me away. I remember when I taught Healing Touch and had to drum up business to get people come to my course. It was awful because what I really loved was teaching healing touch, not promoting and all that was involved. In the end I taught through the school board and they did all the slugging and promoting and that worked to my pleasure. And your post delightfully describes the pain of not doing what you love but at the same time doing what you love and finding th balance in your monster. Delightful. I haven’t got my books yet but look forward to reading it and being one of the hands of your monster up here in canada. I know lots of book lovers just th right age!
Thank you for commmenting too. It means a lot to me.. I need to do some work on amazon so they can sell to canada, can they do that?.. c
Not sure about the amazon thing. I will see if it is a simple answer. Faye
If you email me, I can send you a copy from here.. easier? c
It is just Faye from Ontario here, not someone new. I posted without typing my address and it came up as anonymous. So I have in fact two books on their way to me right now. So no need to worry until the flood of orders come in from canada!
I would not mind that kind of worry! have a lovely evening faye… c
Perfectly said!
I’m at that same point also…I need some me time…some time to just do the stuff I need and want to do…space…sigh!
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
This is one of my favorite blogs and it always makes me think about my own life. You have such an easy way of expressing yourself.
I will order and read your book . I just shared your book on my Facebook page , I will do the same on twitter and Pinterest .
Making decisions on what is important to us and our souroundings isn’t always easy when we are Type A personalities or high achievers.
Keep up the good work Celi and everything will be ok. I know how you feel.
My dear Celi, I do understand. I seem to be having the same thoughts lately – many of us in the fellowship. When the creative monster claws her way to the surface I know what I must do… and that is be who I was meant to be. I’ve realized lately that I have allowed too many things to take over. I yearn to be in the woods with my camera, following and finding my inner wildness in the local deer herd – observing nature. I long to blog… and write this book I think about constantly, but never find the time to write out the words in my head. You always seem to express to eloquently, the thoughts and desires so many of us have… thank you for that today. I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed and alone today! Why is it we feel so much better knowing we’re not in this alone? 🙂
Five minutes before I read this post I was having a discussion with my inner ‘me about some unfinished business in my corner. Your post was just the push I needed. Thank you. The book is launched, so let her wings take over the weight for awhile. Go talk to the animals and tell them stories about the magic of New Zealand. I know my books are not due to arrive yet, but I had the letterbox looked away as it is. I’ll let you know when they arrive!
You never ever want a “wanna do” to turn into a “gotta do”. Life is way too short for that and it took me an awful long time to figure that one out! It reminds me of a friend who showed Saddlebred horses, then decided to go into it as a business. I overheard someone else talking about that and the comment was ‘well, there goes all the fun of it’. I’ve finally become very selective, I do what I enjoy and have finally learned how to, very pleasantly, say no and the world hasn’t ended.
I’m very glad to read this; I’ve been concerned for you. I think one of the things that makes the fellowship real is that you are living a life that many of us would like to be living. I am grateful to you for this and for this lovely blog. I’m grateful, too, that the fellowship provides loving support in return. We wrote the book together for each other and our loved ones, didn’t we. I love that. If sales grow organically beyond that, so be it, but we have done what we set out to do. All blessings be.
We did! and we did good.. we achieved what we set out to achieve, you have reminded me how important it is to look after US, not just ourselves, but our own people.. And all are welcome in the Fellowship, that is what makes us strong and good.. c
I like your monster. Let her do the hard work!
I know you will remember the line in the movie Charlotte’s Web… “That’ll do pig, that’ll do.” I often say that to myself to remind me that enough is enough. I would love to see you step back and enjoy your life, and anticipate your children. Wonderful decision.
I like your perspective and how it came about. “Letters” has its own life now and you yours. And you will be off on your travels shortly which are always good for thinking, planning, assessing and coming home to begin anew and continue 🙂
Have just read the ‘Amazon’ critiques . . . yes, Celi dearHeart: ‘our’ book does have its own life now and will have an ‘organic’ growth I am certain as Susan states . . . perhaps more than you anticipate . . . let it run and go on with all your other plans . . . . but remember we all are waiting breathlessly for that trip to Kiwiland 🙂 !
A wise decision. I wanted a book but haven’t paid for anything yet – so I need to order it on Amazon?
I will send it to you from my new delivery next week. Amazon won’t get all the way to spain. But if you pay pal or money order, i can pop one in a bag for you and send it. Just email me celima.g.7@gmail.com.. c