.. was no good wind at all…
Bad news should always be delivered fast I think. So here it is.
Yesterday when I woke up I discovered that our Old Big Dog had died in the night. I won’t put you through a nostalgic slide show. He was a good dog. And an old dog too. And now he has died quietly in his sleep.
When I looked out the window at dawn, I saw Boo circling and circling around his old mentor (the one who taught him to bark at cars up to 2 miles away) , then sitting and looking at the house, then circling again. When I came out to see – I discovered that, under his blanket, the old dog had died. Right in the line of the sunrise, where he always slept so as to catch the first rays of the day.
Rest in Peace Big Dog. He was almost 18 years old, his name was Cooter and he was found by John as a pup on a construction site, tied with wire, his head at a cruel angle, to a barbed wire fence. Covered in bites and cuts and bruises. John put him in the cab of his truck and brought him home and they have wandered through life together every since – almost 18 years. That is a pretty long relationship.
John buried him in the shade of the tree by the root cellar, then took out a six pack and sat with him a while and allowed the sadness.
Miserably there is more.
Yesterday Daisy’s mastitis began to morph into something really evil, holes appearing in her udder. We have lost the fight to save her. The vet concurred that she is not pregnant and that the end is in sight for her. When this manifested itself one of The Fellowship was here visiting, and she knew a guy who knew a guy who came around straight away. So tomorrow the guy will come back and take her away with him in his big truck and have her put down for me. And that will be that. She is in pain now but soon it will be over. I cannot have her suffering any more of this. I think that many of you saw this coming. Mastitis is awful. I am spraying the sores every hour to keep the flies out, it is all I can do. This will be a long day.
My neighbours heard and came over to pay their respects to the Big Dog and carried in bags of freshly dug carrots and garden treats for Daisy, so she has piles of good tasty food to nibble while we wait. The waiting is pretty hard. Thankfully Daisy is a cow and does not seem to mind. But I could just scream my head off. I am not very good at Allowing the Sadness. I do not go softly. I rage. I rage …
Sometimes don’t you feel like sitting on a stump and just Howling. Just letting yourself Sob – loudly. And when this great sobbing howling misery surfaces we never cry for just that one thing. We cry for it all. We cry for every last one we lost. We cry a litany. We cry for our mothers and cry for our lost babies. We chant all their names and roll our heads and wring our minds, tears running through the dust while we scratch out all their faces and just Bawl. Bawl.
People used to say to me that having a good cry is good for you. Well, I think that is crap. After I cry my thoat aches and my head spins and I feel just awful – then I have to crawl all over the floor and pick up every precious miserable memory and re wrap each one tightly so it will fit back into the Misery Box that I keep in my head. Because I refuse to forget any of them. Then I have to sit on the metaphorical lid of the metaphorical misery box so I can redo the heavy lead latch. Then once all my tears have been choked back down through the throat of the box I turn the Key. Lock. And I am alone again.
I still miss them. I do. But I own my sadness, it will not own me.
But I so thought Daisy was going to make it. I really did.
Well there you are – now we are all crying. But that is Ok.
Tomorrow I will not be here in the farmy blog.
But the next day I will be back. Of course I will. We will. You and I. Because we are The Fellowship and seeing each other through this stuff is what we do. And there is work to be done.
Love from
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
143 responses to “The ill wind that blew no good”
I shall smile C. I worried about old dog all last winter. Bless you for taking him in. He knew kindness, comfort, safety and security. He was grateful you understood him. So glad you said where you found him in blanket and sun spot. (Molly was found in similar circumstances – but she had chewed through the wire to the fence – it was still embedded around her). Terrible sadness, but it was done well.
Daisy, poor creature. Thankful she has a friend to wave the flies off (those create such misery). And to see her quietly off.
Being on a farm seems to intensify life. Better to feel life’s full range deeply rather than to be disconnected in windowless walls and concrete and feel nothing. You know life, Ci. Farmers know it. So I shall smile knowing it is always done well there – all of it.
Hugs and encouragement as always in warm abundance from your Farmy Fellowship.
Oh dear Celi! You have been riding a vortex of sadness today. Three disasters of the heart are terribly hard to bear all in one sunrise. So long to Old Dog. I’m glad he had your home for so long. Daisy will love the treats and attention today. Those minks best be on the look out for you now!! Fierce love is on their tail! Know that the Fellowship is truly circling you today – there are so many prayers and thoughts coming your way. When your anger is spent and you’re wobbly with exhaustion stop and feel the hugs of all those who hold you dear.
Oh, Cecilia, Cecilia! Sorrows come in threes, and you’ve certainly had them today. Unbelievable, really. First, the fact that Big Dog lived to almost 18 is so extraordinary in itself. Big dogs never live that long. And Daisy. I sure did not see this coming. I thought she would be a Grand Dame on the farm in the same way Sheila is. Then to add insult to injury, the chickens–Mr. Pink hurts the most.
I am sick at heart for you.
I am so very sorry for you and I wish I could help you somehow, someway. You tried so hard with Daisy, she knows that and is thankful for that. Find comfort in the good things in your life, take your time with your misery box and then let it go. Those …… minks !!!!!!
Wrapping you in a big hug and my heart mourns for your losses. Gerlinde
Oh Celi… 😦 I am so sad for you.
Oh Hell. I really thought Daisy would make it too.. You did your best with her and unfortunately things happen that don’t result in the outcome we want. The Big Old Dog was a lucky dog to spend 18 good years with your John. Glad they had the time together. What a wonderful, long life Big Dog had.
And heck… I relate to your Misery box all too well.
I am so sorry for your losses
Shoot. I’m so sorry Miss C, so very sorry. Big Dog is fine and he was found by the perfect human. I thought Daisy was going to be okay, too. I’m really sorry. xoxox
Reblogged this on Misc. Maggie and commented:
The Kitchen’s Garden is my favorite blog and Cecelia has written mourning in her blog today as perfectly as anyone ever could.
I’ve pressed ‘like’ but I don’t. If you didn’t cry you wouldn’t be human. Everything you do, you do for the health and well being of all of your animals and it shows, truly shows. For what it’s worth C, we think that you are so caring and special and I for one would LOVE to be one of your animals! BIG HUGS!
Oh, I’m terribly sorry. My heart just sank when I saw how thing are. My thoughts and tears are with you. Again, so glad to be a part of this fellowship.
I was stunned when I read this my dear Cinders….there is nothing more I can say that the others have not already said so eloquently. Just that I am so so sorry. I hope you can feel the collective hug and circle of love around you today and especially tomorrow. You will be on all our minds and in our hearts….this is just not fair!
I’m so so sorry, Miss C. It sounds like Big Old Dog had a peaceful passage, at least. Small comfort, I know.
I have cried before just as you have described it. And felt the same way afterwards. I am so, so sorry. We all grieve alongside you and your family. I was so worried that something would go wrong while you away and the burden would be so heavy because you would be so, so far away. But it has happened already. Yesterday was the day. The ill winds swept with fury. I am so sorry.
So, so sorry to hear this Celi. You are right, we are crying right with you, as Big Old Dog and Daisy have been a part of our lives too. Sending love and healing energies. xo
My heart goes out to you. Let us hope that this third blow is the last one for a very long time. My call you early did not help. I apologise. Virtual hugs from across the pond.