In the last two days three members of The Fellowship have lost someone they loved. A husband, a father, an aunt. People. While exchanging emails with each of our friends it has become very clear to me that many of us have very different, what is the word? ways? family traditions? protocols?. when it comes to burying our dead. Different yes, and every one is so laden with grief and release and closure. The funeral is such an important occasion in a life.
Death is as predictable as birth. We all have our ways of dealing with it. And every family tradition is different.
The other day I was in the kitchen with my son and we were discussing an old gentleman we both knew. We were worried about some of his behaviours. My son said “He is afraid of dying.” His wife, as she set the table, laying knife beside fork agreed “Everyone is afraid of dying.” she said. “No.” said my son, ” “Mum isn’t. She is the only person I know who is not afraid of dying.” He hates that this is true. But it is true. I faced it. I touched it. I will never be afraid of it again.
“Shoulder high.” I called to him as I chopped the greens. Bashing gaily away at the poor innocent leaves with the big knife. I have always told my sons and my daughter that they must carry my casket shoulder high through the crowds of mourners (laugh). Then afterwards have a big party. I do think it is important to have these things in order. “That’s enough.” he said. Not wishing to pursue the conversation further. Sons are like that. 
Yesterday, this is what I wrote to our fellowship friend, who is having to wait two weeks before the funeral of her dearly departed. (Not her choice by the way.)
“I remember when Mum died, after such a long time ‘dying’ (and we even wished for her to be able to die she was so ill and in such pain), that I actually got a shock when she died. I was knocked sideways by it really. Everything happened very fast. In NZ we tend to bury people within a couple of days. After they have died the undertaker collects the dead mother, then a few hours later returns her to the family home (or to the marae) and they are set up – the casket open – then we all sit with her, people coming in to pay their respects (shoes off, hats off) they drop off some food and have a drink or a cup of tea with us. On the first night it sometimes get’s a bit rowdy, at the end of the second day (or possibly the third) the body is taken to the church to sit for the night. We all go too, taking turns to sit with her.
Then in the morning there is the funeral mass and we drive her out to the graveyard and after that service – we sing, then we throw straw on top of the casket in the ground to deaden the sounds and then we all get shovels out of our cars and fill in the grave. My family buries our people ourselves. It takes a long time.
I do think that if someone cannot be bothered coming to visit me when I am alive why should my body have to WAIT until they come to visit me when I am dead. Seeing someone alive is surely more important. (Yes, yes I hear my sons begin to growl again – Mama can you not behave for Five minutes.. ?).
Anyway, From the moment of death to the time of the burial – the dead of my family are not left alone.
After the burial we all go back to her home again and have lots more to drink and eat. This night usually gets VERY rowdy. This is what we call a Wake in NZ. We sure drink enough to Wake the dead. At home in New Zealand it is important to celebrate the life of the person who has died in their family homes or on their
marae. It is all very personal. I knew a guy who took his mother in her casket to the graveyard in the back of his truck. I would like that! I don’t want a bloody shiny expensive hearse for goodness sake.
All this left me wondering about your burial rites. Your family traditions. How do you bury your dead? What are your burial rites.? Are we really that different?
As the Old Codger says. “We are not getting off this boat alive. “
Not today though darlings. If we are reading. We are alive, today.
Love, love,
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
151 responses to “Human Burial Rites”
Your NZ customs sound a little like sitting Shiva for Jewish families. Except that the body is there, where Jews get their loved one buried within 24 hours. And then a week of visiting and family, eating and drinking. Celebrating the life.
When my mother died, after a very painful and draining bout with lung cancer, we had a huge party and filled her house and her yard with family and friends. I think she would have loved it!
(I didn’t mean that to sound like we were happy she died, just celebrating the memory of her life!)
And the ceasing of her pain, I’m sure, as was the case when my mother died.
I know exactly what you mean. Nina could you email me at celima.g.7@gmail.com. The email address I have for you keeps bouncing back.. The Calendars are here!
I think that saying goodbye is a very important part of the healing process. I’m very much in favour of burial – a body is full of nutrients that should go back into the ground as opposed to being burned up and wasted …and in the process there’s an unnecessary contribution to global warming.
I hope we all have a happy Saturday in the land of the living 🙂
I think you are right, our own bodies need a few days to process a death and say goodbye.
People always seem to be very upset when they miss saying goodbye to friends and loved ones. Having them at home or church provides an opportunity for a proper farewell. Being able to gather and remember the person is also cathartic IMHO.
It is true, my best friend died a few years ago, but I was Here and unable to get back there (NZ) for the funeral, and I don’t think i have ever got over her death, or even accepted that she is dead. Hmm.
When my Ma finally died after months of pain, we were both glad and knocked sideways. She was taken away and prettied up, and lay in state in her coffin. My father asked did I want to go and see her? I looked at him as if he were mad. Pa, she’s not there any more. That’s not her, that’s something she left behind she didn’t want any more. After her Requiem Mass, we had a big party to celebrate her life. Champagne, flowers, lovely food. People said nice stuff about her. It was a good send off. And answering all the letters of condolence for my Pa taught me that it’s important to say something, and that people appreciate and keep a letter that’s kind, considered and well expressed. It’s a comfort. Personally, I’d like to be tipped into a hole under a cherry tree, to bring beauty and deliciousness into the world each year…
Losing letters is a terrible loss for our societies now. Receiving a letter, a real letter, not just a hallmark card, is a wonderful thing nowadays. A thing of wonder.. c
And it’s so much more precious if it’s handwritten, crossings-out and all. A good letter of condolence or congratulation truly is something to treasure.
both my parents and uncle died after long, painful procedures in hospital. both parents and favorite uncle went in on my birthday,dec 1.all died about christmastime.
december is pretty much shot for me. and everyone avoids my birthday,thankfully,and we don’t schedule any dr visits in dec
i have prepaid my funreal, with instructions not to change a thing.
no big west virginia style bible thumpin, services,with loud preachers,no obit in paper, quick gravesise only service, ashes to ashes,ect
any changes will require me to visit them from the afterlife.
i hope the off the wall things i have done will be thier memorys of me.
my heart goes out to those that have lost loved ones
Ron we share a birthday. I’m sorry you lose out on celebrating yours. Could you not use it instead consciously to remember those that have gone, in a more positive, celebration of their lives?
I bet no-one changes a thing! Except I hope the graveside service is not too fast. You deserve a pause and a thank you. Actually i will say thank you now too while you are alive(long may it last!) – your help has been gold to me and my wee farmy. c
thank you
usually my birthday is during wv deer season, am surrounded by”the cousins from hell”.
they invade from other states to hunt on farm.
never a dull moment the first week of season.
good! well .. kind of good! I mean- cousins from hell are surely better than no cousins at all!? c
No, no no box in the ground for me, what if I don’t like the person buried under/next to me or they smell or don’t want to talk? Cremation has been the preferred choice for most of our family. A memorial/remembrance service is held with friends and family all making a contribution and then a tea at a family members house afterwards. The body is then cremated later and the ashes collected by family to be scattered, place usually chosen before hand by deceased. My chosen spot is a large open field where I have taken my dogs for long free run walks. A friend of mine kept her father’s ashes a bit longer than she should have and a burglar broke in and emptied the packet (not sure what he was looking for ??) and she phoned me in a state while vacuuming up her Dad. How we laughed and cried together that day.
My condolences to Fellowship members on the loss of their loved ones this week. It is tough, it is very sad but eventually memories of the good times will be the lasting ones.
Laura
Oh my! Vacuuming up your Dad! Dreadful and funny! c
I don’t think I’m afraid either. But that might not be true. I guess I I won’t know for sure until it’s immediately imminent. For my dear Mom we had a ‘celebration of life’ about a month after her death. I don’t know why we waited a month, but I do know she wanted a celebration and not a funeral. I had asked four people to say something about her; I wrote a poem (which is strange because it was the first and last poem I’ve written), mind you I didn’t have the strength to read it so I asked someone else to do so. The four people had wonderful things to say, some of which were even new to me. And then others stood and told stories of my Mom — several others. It was truly beautiful. So beautiful that many of my friends were inspired to have their family funerals change to celebrations instead. My Mom was cremated and we spread her ashes around a tree she bought in a park. It has her name on it. My dear Dad passed in ’81 and his ashes are in a famous cemetery in Toronto. His ashes face a major street at a point where the subway emerges above ground; we bought this grave to be able to say ‘hi’ from the subway as we pass. I hardly ever take that route these days. We’re not grave goers. My only cousin in North America is a grave goer, she even visits my parents when she goes (and I think she goes often). I went once to see my Dad’s grave in 1987 because I was taking a class around the corner. I’ve never felt that he was there, I always felt that he was with me. As I do with my Mom. Both JT and I will be cremated and our ashes will be spread at the cottage. JTs Mom is at the cottage. I’ve always wanted to put a bench where she is, but we haven’t.
I’m so sorry to hear about people losing their loved ones, my friend just lost his sister last week and he had a celebration of life for her too. They told stories of how she affected them.
Interesting what you say about grave goers – my mother in law is a grave goer and she takes plastic flowers to all the graves and changes them according to the designated colour of the season. She knows where all the bodies are buried. I love the idea of celebrating a life.. even a short one deserves the exchange of memories over a glass of wine or a cup of tea.. thank you eva.. c
Terrific sympathies to our farmy fellows who have loss in their lives. Such a hard thing and at such a difficult time of the year. Biggest hugs of support and great powerful waves of strength being sent to you from my heart. This reminds me of how I have not invested enough in our fellowship that I don’t immediately know who you are. Me, who has been here for a couple…maybe three years now, and know only a handful of us. I am determined to change that. I’m struggling with a bit of illness which has made me face my own mortality right now, made me face what that would mean to my children, to their future. What a strange and difficult concept. We know we don’t make it out alive and eventually we all have to go, but that doesn’t make it any easier to lose someone, does it? Logic doesn’t count here; it’s accepted and denied in the same breath. And, most probably, there isn’t a single member of the farmy who hasn’t had a loved one pass away. My heart goes out to you. To all of us.
I hope this struggle you are having with a ‘bit’ of illness is manageable.. let me know if there is anything we can do. I think many of our fellowship (when I write our i mean you and I) stuggle with hardship, loss or just plain life and we seldom know. Maybe we get an inkling from a comment. But mostly I think just being here is enough. This community we have developed here is unique. incredible really.. impossible but here we are.. much love vonnie, hope you feel better soon.. c
Sincere sympathies to these fellowship comrades, and thank you Celi for this post so that we can add our small bit of remembrance. I am among those who want nothing grand, nothing too sentimental, nothing really other than those who simply wish to pass on a word to my remaining family and support them. I have no reason to go into a box in the ground. Perhaps, as a final triumph and a way to finally conquer my fear of heights I will have my children scatter me from a mountain top into the prevailing winds. The thought of flying without fear is an amazing one.
I might copy that idea. Thank you.
What a truly sacred idea, to fly in death. Wondrous.. Thank you Deb. c
I love your tradition! I think it gives people time to work through it together and really get as much closure as possible. I’ve had a few family members die, but my mom’s parents had the most impact. They were my second set of parents and basically my grandpa was my father. He died of leukemia and my grandma at the ripe age of 93 died of a stroke. No matter how prepared you think you are, you are never prepared enough to not ever see someone you loved so deeply ever again. There really is no preparation for that! My family hates funerals for some reason. We typically have a wake instead.
I think families shuffle around and finds what suits them best. Every now and then a child will have a deep connection with a grandparent. Not all kids. You must have been (and still are one of those special kids. .. c
There are so many wonderful comments here (and I will have to come back to read more because I am at the computer earlier than usual!) and I find so many varied views and customs fascinating. I respect all of these thoughts and rituals… it is very personal to all of us. I have never feared death. Life has been a struggle most of the time, and I know death will be rest for me… peace and something so amazing I cannot imagine. I am quite practical about death and what follows. I will not wish for the tribal (family) custom of sad grieving, two days of serious planning and stoic behavior, of trips to a mortuary (a strange, clinical place to me) to do more grieving, and then on the third day, a funeral led by a minister that none of us knew, and casket burial in a cemetery where other family members long forgotten are also buried. I want to be cremated, and when a time comes where the few people who wish to be present to scatter ashes can come together (be it days, weeks or months later), then have a simple ceremony for the release of ashes to the wind. I don’t want an obituary in the newspaper… no pomp and parade and no announcement. I want to go out as if I slipped away, never to be seen again. Just like the animals of the woodlands seem to disappear. Memories we make with others, written word, photographs and everything we left as a treasure in our lives is what we leave behind… our legacy to our loved ones. I hope to be remembered as a wild spirit, untamed who stole away on a whisper of wind.
A lovely thought.
Thank you, Viv. I am enjoying reading so many lovely comments this morning… I feel such a connection here. I find it very educational too.
A whisper in the wilderness. I have always wondered about how animals disappear when they die, often they go off to be alone BEFORE they die. Yet when our people die we gather around them holding their hands and talking gently to them as they go. Do you think we do that for ourselves? Would you rather die alone, under a tree, looking up at the sky? I think it would be easier to manage somehow. My Mum said once that the ‘hardest part of dying was getting everyone else through it”. And after days of vigil by her bed she died when we were all gone and only Dad was sitting with her. I wonder now. c
My father in law was in a nursing home after a stroke and broken hip. One Friday he told the aide helping him dress that he’d ‘had about enough’. Sunday morning two fo his daughters stopped to visit, he told them to go on to Mass and maybe for breakfast after. While they were gone he died. Quietly and without fuss, just the way he lived. My dad had six weeks from diagnoses of lung cancer that went to the bone to his death during the night. During those six weeks the pain and weakness got progressively worse and he bore it like many of his generation, with great stoicism. It was purely dreadful to watch. My mom was told six months due to bile duct cancer and it was that almost to the day. One day she was simply too tired to get up and progressively spent more time asleep for the next two weeks til she slipped away with my sister & I in attendance. I see with the older generation the typical funeral, visitation the evening before with perhaps a small prayer service. The Mass sometimes that evening, sometimes the next morning with just family attending the burial. While I personally think graveyards are an awful waste of good land (must be the farmer in me) and wish to be cremated I figure at that point it won’t really matter to me what’s done with the ‘mortal remains’, I’ll be dead and gone after all. If those I leave feel the need for a service, so be it. If not, that’s ok too.
I think that graveyards with concrete vaults are an awful waster of land, the old fashioned kind I do like. Interesting that sleep is a warm up for death. Lovely in a way. c
~”a wild spirit who stole away on a whisper wind:” ~ such a lovely thought ~
I think the rites of passage inevitably can’t hope to please everybody, and each passing means different things to different people. I don’t like the idea of valuable land being used up for cemeteries, heavily sown with stone. The best funeral I ever went to was my brother-in-law’s. He was buried in a willow wicker coffin in a natural burial ground of woodland with marvellous views. Each “grave” was planted with a tree, and there were no headstones. This not being an option in France, we have opted for cremation, all paid for in advance, including the wake. We don’t want a religious service, and have each planned our own, with music chosen and poetry. Now I’m having second thoughts because of the UN-GREEN aspects of cremation, but certainly don’t want to be buried here. One aspect of funerals that I do like is that the whole village turns out when one of our residents dies, to support the families.
You’ve made me think today!
Love,
ViV xox
NOW I want to be buried in a wicker basket with a tree. That is exactly what i would like. Though I did not know about it so i have stipulated that I be buried in a cardboard box and into a concrete free grave. But now I want the wicker casket. Thank you Viv! That will be much lighter for my children to carry me on their shoulders too. I do want a little Pomp!.. c
Try googling Natural Burial sites and find out what’s available in US
They will bury me in NZ so i will look there too..c
I googled natural burial sites in New Zealand and found an organization and several sites.
What a thought provoking post – in Spain we bury our dead loved ones very quickly. The next day. I like that, moving on quickly. But then all the people that want and need to be there are usually local. In England you can wait weeks for a “slot” at the cemetery or crematorium but loved ones tend to be further away. Our family send offs tend to depend on the circumstances – older folk who have lived good lives…well we celebrate their lives. Younger lives, unexpectedly cut short are a very different goodbye.
I like that, A fast burial suits me too. No waiting. They can come for the party!.. c
Love and peace to our Farmy familiy members as they mourn their losses.
Peace.. lovely.. c
Our family all go direct for cremation and with a small memorial in the church as soon as possible its, like the the NZ, a wake to raise the dead.
I love the idea of a good wake – c
If seems as though so many of us in the Western World, versus the Eastern, do fear death, so much so that often they pretend it won’t happen and refuse to even discuss it. Which often turns into a big problem for the family left behind in terms of making decisions on how to proceed. My siblings and I were so fortunate in that my Mom, 20 years before her death, willed her body to the Medical School near her, so be used for research, as needed, and then cremated and the ashes buried in a special beautiful forested area on campus with a small stone marking her grave. (I have tried to do this as well, but unfortunately for me, the school has had to stop the practice, as so many people began donating their bodies for research, often to avoid the astronomical prices of funerals.) My dad and stepmom had every single detail of their deaths, cremations and ceremonies planned, written and given to their children, so we knew exactly what to do. So wonderful! On the other hand, my husband’s parents, even when gently prompted by us, don’t want to talk about what will happen to them, have not arranged for burial or cremation or any other details to help their son and daughters carry out the disposal of their bodies. So, it will be a more difficult time. And because we are never really ready to let go of a loved one, death is certainly difficult. My sympathies and thoughts go out to those in our farmy family who have lost loved ones recently.
have you done the planning for yours too? I think I need to have that discussion with my children next time I am home.. Though they hate the discussion.. And like your folks – written would be better..c