In the last two days three members of The Fellowship have lost someone they loved. A husband, a father, an aunt. People. While exchanging emails with each of our friends it has become very clear to me that many of us have very different, what is the word? ways? family traditions? protocols?. when it comes to burying our dead. Different yes, and every one is so laden with grief and release and closure. The funeral is such an important occasion in a life.
Death is as predictable as birth. We all have our ways of dealing with it. And every family tradition is different.
The other day I was in the kitchen with my son and we were discussing an old gentleman we both knew. We were worried about some of his behaviours. My son said “He is afraid of dying.” His wife, as she set the table, laying knife beside fork agreed “Everyone is afraid of dying.” she said. “No.” said my son, ” “Mum isn’t. She is the only person I know who is not afraid of dying.” He hates that this is true. But it is true. I faced it. I touched it. I will never be afraid of it again.
“Shoulder high.” I called to him as I chopped the greens. Bashing gaily away at the poor innocent leaves with the big knife. I have always told my sons and my daughter that they must carry my casket shoulder high through the crowds of mourners (laugh). Then afterwards have a big party. I do think it is important to have these things in order. “That’s enough.” he said. Not wishing to pursue the conversation further. Sons are like that. 
Yesterday, this is what I wrote to our fellowship friend, who is having to wait two weeks before the funeral of her dearly departed. (Not her choice by the way.)
“I remember when Mum died, after such a long time ‘dying’ (and we even wished for her to be able to die she was so ill and in such pain), that I actually got a shock when she died. I was knocked sideways by it really. Everything happened very fast. In NZ we tend to bury people within a couple of days. After they have died the undertaker collects the dead mother, then a few hours later returns her to the family home (or to the marae) and they are set up – the casket open – then we all sit with her, people coming in to pay their respects (shoes off, hats off) they drop off some food and have a drink or a cup of tea with us. On the first night it sometimes get’s a bit rowdy, at the end of the second day (or possibly the third) the body is taken to the church to sit for the night. We all go too, taking turns to sit with her.
Then in the morning there is the funeral mass and we drive her out to the graveyard and after that service – we sing, then we throw straw on top of the casket in the ground to deaden the sounds and then we all get shovels out of our cars and fill in the grave. My family buries our people ourselves. It takes a long time.
I do think that if someone cannot be bothered coming to visit me when I am alive why should my body have to WAIT until they come to visit me when I am dead. Seeing someone alive is surely more important. (Yes, yes I hear my sons begin to growl again – Mama can you not behave for Five minutes.. ?).
Anyway, From the moment of death to the time of the burial – the dead of my family are not left alone.
After the burial we all go back to her home again and have lots more to drink and eat. This night usually gets VERY rowdy. This is what we call a Wake in NZ. We sure drink enough to Wake the dead. At home in New Zealand it is important to celebrate the life of the person who has died in their family homes or on their
marae. It is all very personal. I knew a guy who took his mother in her casket to the graveyard in the back of his truck. I would like that! I don’t want a bloody shiny expensive hearse for goodness sake.
All this left me wondering about your burial rites. Your family traditions. How do you bury your dead? What are your burial rites.? Are we really that different?
As the Old Codger says. “We are not getting off this boat alive. “
Not today though darlings. If we are reading. We are alive, today.
Love, love,
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
151 responses to “Human Burial Rites”
That’s sad to hear that some of the fellowship have had losses, and I feel for them. My mum died two years ago at the age of 82 and I suppose that’s what you call a good innings, but it was still hard. I do like the idea of my ashes being thrown from a mountain top, what a great idea! X
I think it would be pretty important to make sure you throw them downwind! I am always getting that wrong when i am throwing hay over a fence!.. c
There are people who are afraid of death but like you i am not one of them…. I am, as you may know , a firm believer in my Faith , so therefore I would ask myself ‘what is there to fear’…..There is a saying ‘ Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered it and there was nobody there’
When I depart from this world I am being cremated, parcelled up and sent to UK. There my daughters can do what they like. Scatter me to the wind, bury me in the garden, float me on the sea..whatever… does not matter just as long as I am not stuck in a pot on someone’s mantle shelf.
We are all born and we will all die..whether we like it or not..so enjoy what you have now and look forward to what is to come
How lucky you are to have your faith. Such a lovely word.. c
Terribly interesting post. First, my sincere condolences to those in the group that have lost loved ones.
It has become custom in my family to be cremated. The last time I attended a funeral of anyone that was buried was 10 years ago. Odd, huh?
I have discovered something about cremation though—-if the person dies (my brother for instance) and I am not there to see him before he dies and is cremated, it’s almost as though he was abducted by aliens. It rattles the part of my part than seeks closure. Is he really dead, I wonder? I know better, but my heart looks for a body to say goodbye to. Also, there is no place to go “visit” him. I have a small vial of his ashes, but it’s not the same.
Like others have said, I’m not keen on taking up real estate. I want to be cremated too.
In that same vein—-cremation often takes a bit of time, so memorials often take place nearly a month after the death. For the immediate family, the wound has just begun to scab over at one month’s time. A memorial then rips the scab off and the wound begins to bleed again. Terribly hard on the heart, even if you were “glad” (I was happy for my mom and dad both when they passed–such suffering before death) that they were finally free of their pain.
Well said Carla. ..c
While I dislike that people are having to deal with death at this time of year I do like that y’all talk about it. I’ve dealt with too much death, both sudden and not, to be afraid of it. I am torn between being cremated and being set out for the animals somewhere. There is a tradition (Buddhist?) where the dead are cut up and laid out on the mountains for the animals. I like the idea that I would complete the life cycle and return to nature. That being said I don’t think it is legal here, nor does my husband want to do that. My other thought is to donate my body to a body farm and help that way. Sadly, I know we should get this figured out sooner rather than later. No, we are not old, but I know how quickly things can happen. One really must have your affairs in order no matter how old you are. It is good that people talk about death though. We knew with my dad that it would be soon but a fall sped his death along. All my life I have known where he and my mom wanted their ashes scattered. We waited a couple months after his death to scatter his ashes mostly because my mom did not want to hold a big public funeral. A small group of family and close friends went camping, road horses, and scattered Dad off the top of the mountain. Someday we’ll scatter Mom up there too. My folks and their good friends and neighbors are sharing an urn as well. It is a beautiful wood box with an elk carved on it and they all decided there shouldn’t be any more expense then necessary, so the box is used as a temporary holding vessel until the ashes are scattered. Grief and death are a given but there doesn’t have to be fear. Life should be celebrated even in the end.
What an interesting thought-the sharing with a body farm for science after death. Although I am an organ donor I didn’t consider this option although it sounds a bit more like my scientist daughter than me I think that this is a worthwhile way to give back so to speak when the body is no longer needed.
I am an organ donor too, but my children would like to have a body to bury, they want to be able to carry me to my grave.. so i would not donate my body to science.. c
I love the idea of the carved box as the ‘waiting room’ for your ashes before they’re scattered…. I’m not afraid of dying, I don’t particularly want a funeral, but I would like a wake where I can be kindly remembered by my friends and family. I still prefer the idea of burial under a fruit tree!
Cherry tree, we will accept no other! c
Today is the feast of St. Cecilia. I just read that she sang as she was martyred. You are named Cecilia in that spirit, I guess. I’m wondering how you came to be unafraid of death. It would make life so much easier for me if I were unafraid.
Not easier…happier.
I did not know it was my feast day, and here I am sitting all my myself. If Mum were alive she would have reminded me. Thank you for letting me know.. she is quite my favourite saint. c
I have a Catholic friend who lives near by that seems to go to a ‘viewing’ at least a couple of times a month. The first time she asked me if I wanted to go with her, I thought she was going to view a house. Turns out she was going to ‘view’ a dead body of a friend/neighbor. I was horrified! You see, as I told her, I don’t do dead!! Mangled bodies that are still alive I can deal with, get in there with sleeves rolled up and help all I can. Once someone (or something) dies, I’m out of here. Have no idea where this comes from, it is not that I am afraid of death or dying (like you Celi, my own death doesn’t bother me – well maybe the method/pain of it might cause me to cringe a bit). It’s the thought of this dead piece of carcass that is no longer the person I loved just lying there all cold and empty that gives me the creeps. So when my ex-husbands father died, in Dublin Ireland, we had to go and sit with the body like you described. People were stroking him and kissing him and I was freaking out in the corner! An Irish funeral sounds very much like a NZ one, three days of sitting with a dead loved one.
Nope for me, cremate me and throw me under a rose bush as soon as you can, then go have a raving party!
Viewing is a strange word really. I wonder why they call it a viewing. Kind of distanced. However it is a nice way to gather..c
What a timely post. Hubby and I just got back from caring for his dying mother. We had the privilege of being there with her until the end. Her wish was to be cremated and her ashes sprinkled by her parents. No funeral, no fuss. She was wonderful
Sad and wonderful. I am glad that your MIL had you there with her and that you will carry out her wishes. Sad to lose such a good old friend. All my love carla..c
I just HAD to pin that darling photo of the kittens and Marmalade there is tons of love and life there!
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com/?s=The+Adventures+of+Fuzzy+and+Boomer&submit=Search
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
love and life ! c
I think one reason grief is so powerful is because it makes us realize our own mortality, especially when older family members who have been with us all of our lives pass away. In our family it is usually the funeral or memorial five to seven days after passing. The body will have been sent to the funeral home after death. There may or may not be a viewing of the casket before and after the service. Then a nice reception oftentimes put on by ladies of the loved one’s church. with far more food than everyone can eat. That day or a few days later, the burial. I am not a grave goer., especially since I was named after a now deceased relative-seeing my name on a tombstone is too creepy!
My parents wanted to be cremated and their ashes buried at sea. I want the same., with my beloved late dogs’ ashes scattered with mine. Simple, less costly and after all-I won’t be there,. There is a sweet story called something like “Don’t forget the fork” about an old lady telling her pastor why she wants to be buried holding a fork in her right hand. You might want to read it.
I will find it and read it, thank you kipper, your funerals sound like the ones around here.. everyone off to the basement of the church for cake and cordial. I know a girl who put her OWN name on the headstone where she buried her husband. Her name is next to his with the year of her birth then a gap. Then she married again. Awkward!.. c
Don’t forget your fork link http://www.nancyvanreece.com/blog/2013/7/13/dont-forget-the-fork
oh her name and her picture! even awkwarder.. c
We do whatever we can afford. We don’t stand on ceremony around here. I learned the importance of funerals, etc., the hard way, however, when a friend and coworker passed away. His only family, an estranged sister, handled the practicalities and that was it. Those of us who cared for him were left feeling a lack of closure, and our jobs were such that it was difficult to get together properly. So in my family we talk about it a lot, what we want when our time comes. We all agree on two things: do the cheapest thing possible with my remains, then get together and remember me with lots of laughter. Except Mom: she doesn’t care about remembrance. And my son: he has requested a DJ and a dance floor.
The COST if funerals is outrageous, i am with you on the cheap options! after all I will be dead.. c
Yes exactly! I won’t need this shell anymore, just get rid of it! I do hope everyone gets together for remembrance, though. Maybe at a good restaurant. It will comfort them, and entertain me before I move on.
oh yes, the gatherings are the best bit!
My oldest daughter can recite my funeral wishes from memory. I should worry. But I don’t. I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in Matanzas Bay. I want the funeral money spent on a nice vacation for my family. We belong to a different Christian denomination than the one I grew up in, and my husband may have an uphill battle to fulfill my wishes.
I hope he gets your way then. Write it down and give it to your daughter. I bet together they will get Your way.. c
We just had a funeral yesterday for my great-grandmother. She was 99 and had 43 great-grandchildren and 7 great-great-grandchildren! Even though we are sorry she is gone, it is hard to be too sad, she has wanted to go for about the last 10 years. She has been a widow for 23 years. Her body was in the house for a day for people to come and see, then we buried her in her husband’s grave. Afterwards all her descendants who were able to be there gathered at the house to eat and remember her life, which has been full and interesting.
Interesting how many people aren’t aware why it is called a wake! Back centuries ago, the family would sit up with the body of the deceased for a week, to make sure it wasn’t going to wake up – a surprising number did!
I feel for those who lose unborn children. A friend lost a baby at 6 months pregnant at the beginning of the year. They were given the body by the hospital, and a family member gave them permission to pop it into their grave plot, under the headstone. It helped to give them closure, the baby had already become a part of their family. But so many don’t have these options, they are just sent home by the hospital to get on with their life.
I am one of those people. I had no idea they sat up to make sure the Body did not Wake! Thank you for that! And yes (being one of those women).. losing a baby and being sent home without one to bury.. it is miserable.. c
On November 28, 2014 we will have a Baha’i burial service for my beloved Bill. Friends will have washed his body, wrapped him in silk, and the burial will be at Rose Hills, LA, and a long burial prayer (think reverse lullaby; lullaby for babies, and a long God-filled oratorio just said in the open air (we don’t show the body), and the friends like all different birds in the Kindom will gather and listen to his; the air will be filled with a divine sweetness, and the envelope of a body that bill had begun to rail against, will be tucked into the Creato’r’s earth. January 10 we will have a memorial, with music, lots of musicians in the community, joyous upbeat songs, funny stories; our lives were filled with them. People all around the world are responding. Aldamaar called from Mongolia, a writer friend emailed from Ireland. People in the Congo, Santa Ana, California, down tn Pasadena, don’t you know, down the street, in every nook and cranny are bending their spirits and my feel are sloshing in love, like wading in ankle deep water. It’s quite an experience. Our marriage was a “Fortress of Wellbeing; http://www.Baha‘i.org if anyone interested in the Faith; we don’t proseletize, one mjst investigate thisFaith for themselves. Basically: manis one, God is one, and all the religions agree, and we will find boys and girls (I seem to be on a roll here) that the earth’s equilibrium hath beenjupset, and we are going through the birth panges of the beginnings of spiritualization and maturity of the planet, and the failing of old corrupt institutions which are hanging on like dianasours. When they breathe fire, and fight, they are at their weakest. So now we, who live during these times, celebrate; and this blog C’s stuff, is one big celebration, and before I put a quote in I must say, “Doesn’t Boo look resplendent in his new red jacket,” and “Sheila, the idea of your being a pet pig, solacesme deeply.” love esther
O SON OF THE SUPREME!
I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light to
shed on thee its splendor. Why dost thou veil thyself therefrom?
Bahá’u’lláh: Arabic Hidden Words, #32
3. O
This is so rich in ritual and deep respect. I have Bahai friends but knew nothing about the death practices. Thank you for this.
Thank you for sharing your grief . . . . in five days time I’ll quietly join you in your loss . . . the Greater Powers will be there . . .
thank you esther .. this quote is perfect.. c
Makes me feel like my grief is selfish; that loved ones move on to a beautiful place, and that there is no reason to be sad except for my own loss. My grandpa told me as much but, you know. 🙂 Your Bill is going to have quite the send-off!
First, my deepest sympathies to our Farmy friends who have recently lost loved ones.
My sister died of cancer in May. She was at Hospice in the end, so it was pain-free. In all other aspects however, it was just bloody ghastly.
I am not afraid to be dead. But, I am afraid to die like she did. I do not have the courage (or dignity, or grace) to manage such an illness the way she did.
I hated the way we all sat around her, waiting. For days. Listening to her trying to breathe.
She had planned her funeral with her husband. She had wanted a wake, with music and laughter and wine. But he had not listened to her and when she died he did nothing at all – about anything. She got none of what she wanted.
I was her support-person throughout her illness. At all the chemo treatments, doctors visits etc. I was with her all day, every day at Hospice. By the time it was over I was exhausted.
But, I will regret forever that I didn’t have the strength to organise her funeral myself.
She deserved much, much better.
Ah. Darling girl this is sad. But it was out of your hands. This is hard for me to explain but I know a little of what you are saying. I think .. that we cannot look back on a a past period of our lives, with the energy that we have now, and judge what we did then. (read that sentence slowly – twice – I wrote it carefully for you) I know completely that you did what you could do then. With all the ammunition you had at your disposal then. But you were low on everything – your/our supplies were depleted. Now you look at that time differently – you have recovered a little, you have more energy. but Then – you/ we were ripped apart. We did the best we could. I know you did. Do you think she does not know this? She knew immediately. She would not have cared. What she cared about was your hand in hers right to the end.You did good honey. You did more than good. c
Thank you Celi.
I read your post at 230am our time, and have been weeping since.
Sue’s husband and three kids (26, 24, 21) did not step up for her at any stage of her illness. Mum, dad and I hoped they would do for her funeral. Especially given that they had discussed it with her and knew what she wanted. They did not. The funeral was so bad it was embarrassing.
She really did deserve so much better.
But you are right. Of course you are. I did step up for her. I did the very best I could at every stage. I have to try and hold on to that.
Thank you for being the voice of reason.
XO
I agree. You did the hard work when her husband and kids could not bear it, and that matters. Illness and death bring things out of us that nothing else can: the strongest of us may crumble, the most humble may rise.
The music and laughter and wine…in reality it was meant for you! I hope you still partake, in her memory.