Yes, I am an Immigrant. 
An expat- which is just a nicer word for an immigrant who still retains the passport of her birth country.
‘An expatriate (often shortened to expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing, as an immigrant, in a country other than that of their citizenship. The word comes from the Latin terms ex (“out of”) and patria (“country, fatherland”).’
The land of my mother and father.
Where I was born.
There are times, living here in America with a green card, as an immigrant, that I don’t feel that I belong here. I just want to go home. Such a child-like response to a fright.
Many immigrants feel this way. We all carry a sadness within us, almost a feeling of failure that we could not thrive in our own countries, we had to leave to grow.
We are in America trying to fit in, with our green cards clutched in our hot little hands and trying to keep our mouths shut. To look grateful and unthreatening.
To get a green card is a long, arduous and expensive process. It takes years, just the background checks, police checks, etc., took a solid eighteen months for me just to be cleared, then on to the next step. And I come from a country that is not at war so the records are easy to find and they are in English. And don’t forget that the person applying for the permanent residency pays good money every step of the way. This is not a poor mans lark.
I talked to a lady yesterday who was shocked that is was hard to get. Oh, she said, I thought that when you married an American you were automatically an American citizen. She did not mean to be rude she was just interested in whether I was a citizen or not. But no. Not at all. Where on earth did you get that idea from? I asked. Who told you it was easy? You have to apply and beg to be admitted and every expensive step underscores that no-one wants you here at all! Marrying helps though.
Ten years ago, I married John, an American citizen who I have known since I was seventeen, but marrying him did not guarantee residency, not at all, I was put through a series of harrowing interviews and a war of paper and applications and lawyers visits. Two years later I had my green card.
But I still hold a New Zealand passport.
It is the law that I must carry my green card on me at all times as proof that I am allowed to be out on the street in America.
Once approved, the green card only lasts for ten years.
It was easier for me though. I am an English speaking woman from a peaceful country and I have a long accessible paper trail of education and work history and I am married to an American. And we had the money to pay for me to apply for permanent residency. I am not the daughter of an undocumented Mexican woman or a Syrian doctor or a small Muslim girl in school or a young Algerian man with nothing but dreams or an Argentinian rugby player. How much harder is life for these people. The good honest ones – not the ones with bad intent – the ordinary immigrants like me.
So many people are being threatened with deportation now from the place they were born in or desperately want to work in, yet I am only here by chance. It seems all wrong to me. What is the word I am struggling for – guilt? I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I am a happy go lucky immigrant. I am not in America by choice – it is just where my husband lives. I don’t bring important knowledge or skills to this country, I seldom even leave the farm. I feel terrible sadness for the uncertain futures of those people who are not as lucky as I. Yet I feel a tide turning.
These last few days I am struggling with a feeling that I cannot quite put my finger on. I feel … see that? I pause again … if this were a real conversation and you were in the room with me, I have gone quiet and am looking out the window trying to form English words for how I feel. Groping for them. This text has taken almost two hours to write already. My coffee has gone quite cold. I must get back to the fencing but I am not sure how I feel. I need to find the words. Afraid? Sad? I feel out of step, isolated, foreign. I don’t understand anymore. I am confused. I don’t belong.
Every time I go out – EVERYTIME – someone will say “Oh, I love your accent. Where do you come from?.” Everytime it is kindly pointed out that I do not belong here – I come from elsewhere. From a tourist destination no less. My country is a postcard. Why are you here – is the next question. These are very personal questions yet not one person blushes as they ask them or says – do you mind my asking. I am a little pointy triangle sitting in a restaurant booth made for nice round americans.
The moment I speak several heads swivel towards me to listen. A foreigner is in their midst. Where? There. Is she safe? Where does she come from? Why is she here? They tuck their purses closer to their bodies and lower their voices again. And I am blonde and blue eyed.
But now the questions go a step further. It just got worse for us. For the immigrants. That is how I feel anyway.
On Wednesday two people I know reasonably well, asked me if I had voted – no, I cannot vote – I am not an American. “You’re not? Why not? You can’t vote? Aren’t you a citizen? Don’t you want to be an American citizen?”. Looking closer. “Oh, so you have a green card? How long does that last? We are not going to have to send you home are we – ha ha ha. Just joking”
Paraphrased but the same conversation – twice.
No-one has asked me if I was a citizen before, if I was documented.
I am sure they did not mean to be unkind but they have a duty now – to check, you see.
In two years my green card is up for renewal. My next logical step is to apply for citizenship. (Which is not a rubber stamp, this also needs lots of money, and exams and more checks, proof that I still live with John, that I am embedded, no threat, not out of the country too often, etc). But America confuses me now, I am a little afraid.
The atmosphere is changing.
Becoming a citizen is not the right step for me.
But I have a farm and a husband and his family here in the midwest and the farm harbours a number of souls in my care. I have a home here too. And no money to start again elsewhere even if I wanted to.
You see? 
And all yesterday and all last night and all this morning I was thinking about this. Trying to think my way past these words into how I was feeling about them. And when I went to write my blog this morning before sunrise like I usually do, these words would not get out of my way.
So I waited a while and now I give them to you.
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
214 responses to “I am an immigrant”
I can only imagine the thoughts that may be going through your head now in light of recent events but your post just reminded me that I need to ask DH about a relative of his in the same boat here…sigh!
I hope he will be ok – I am legal too so there is no need to worry on that score. Much of this is from miscommunication and media hype – I hope. i am sure it will all settle back down soon.. c
I asked and the relative has been quite legal for some time but still all of the hype can make one nervous.. t
I understand this was a difficult post to write. I am in a similar situation. It is not fun. I know people don’t mean to be rude, but maybe I don’t feel like sharing very personal things with a stranger? You are a brave woman!
Not really brave –
As an English person living in Bulgaria we have the same problem…and it all stems from Brexit…do we get Bulgarian. Citizenship..do we get. Bulgarian passport?.. What will happen? Certainly there is no answer…we expats just have to wait but however long we wait we cannot be totally accepted. Also we do not vote but as l do not understand the politics that is not a problem. I can feel your sadness my dear Celi, your uncertainty,your insecurity..but all will be well.Hold your head up high..they should feel proud that you have chosen to live in their country..as weird as it is
I never thought about that when i read about Brexit. What will you do.. c
I empathise with your confused feelings. When I was younger I lived abroad for a number of years and was seriously taking steps to settle there – until I got pregnant. This completely changed my outlook on life and I started making moves to return “home”. The problem is that the “home” I returned to was no longer the place I’d left, it had mutated.
We all need that feeling of belonging. I do sincerely hope you find it.
Yes, every time I go home I wander about looking for it!! Arent we funny! c
I was born and raised in this country, but after Tuesday, it feels like a foreign country to me as well. Very disheartening. You are not alone in your disappointment in the citizens of this country–a lot of us citizens feel the same way.
xoxo
m
❤
This is exactly what I was going to write. I was born here, but right now, I don’t feel like I belong, either. I’ve been walking around heartsick.
Oh I am sorry you feel sad. As my mother used to say – It will all come out in the wash. Our own personal actions are the most important ones. We can control those. c
I feel the same way. I am aging and this hit me hard, that these people won over love and goodness. I fear them, I fear our future and I fear that I will never feel for my country as I once did. It is beyond sad..it is tragic.
It makes me sad that you are asked all these questions. We are all on this earth together, why does it matter so much what country we happen to be born in? I think part of it may be people are just making conversation. Since having a baby people are constantly asking me questions about him, even shouting out ‘How old is he?’ as they walk past me on the street. It is nice in a way but all these questions can get exhausting. One of the nice things about London is that nearly everyone here is an outsider, very few people grew up here all their lives so a different accent isn’t a big deal. I hope the atmosphere doesn’t become too hostile for you following Trump’s unfortunate win.
Did they put their hands on your belly when you were pregnant -especially old ladies – isn’t that unexpected? I used to get quite a shock when they did that without asking. But it was kind sweet too.. c
I’d like to tell you not to take these questions personally or take them to heart, but I know that is foolish. People are so careless so often. I don’t think people really MEAN to hurt others with their words, but they often do, carelessly. It’s not just Americans though. People everywhere are wary of “strangers” & often just naturally curious about someone who is different from them. I wish there was a way to be “curious” without being careless & rude, but most people are not taught this. We had a disabled son (recently deceased) & people often stared & asked rude questions about him. I hurts – it does! I’m afraid the future is uncertain for all of us, so please know that you are loved (MUCH loved) in the Farmy Fellowship and feel at home with us. I’m sorry you feel uncertain. May the future be glorious & filled with wonder as you continue to share with those of us who love you. Blessings!
I don’t think people are mean either. Not naturally. When we are puddling aboout in our own lives and no-one is watching we see a myriad of kindnesses. c
I welcome you here. I am just an old reader and I feel so many times the same as you. isn’t it awful that you have these feelings but so do I at this time and place. My two daughters are lesbians, married and police officers. they were born here yet neither feels that they are now safe. Safe from hate, or misogyny. I have written them both and stated that I would lay down my life for them if need be in the future but . . . . isn’t it a shame that so many americans and non-americans are feeling doubt and fear. Our country will survive this maelstrom but I wonder what it will do to our psyches. At least my farm babies and Sheila and your farm babies will make us happy. So celebrate the fact that you have a great life and the future, though dark now, will get brighter. I love your words and your blog and by design I love you. I’m too old to care, but you are my future and the future of this country since we were all immigrants. Drink some tea, go out and hug Sheila, watch the little piglets caper and cavort and know that you are loved.
LOVE your response. I also have a daughter, 24 years old, US citizen, gay and living with a mixed race partner. She is also worried about their future.
I hope she will be well – and diannes daughters also – our lives are too short and the world too large to not embrace love and care wherever we might find it.. c
My son is half black ans half white – my grandson is 1/4 black but somehow looks Hispanic. I worry for them, in Florida. My dad is in Arkansas and is worried for his healthcare as he is elderly and not made of money. I wish your daughters the best, and thank you for sharing this.
I will stand by you in your right to be here. Little solace in your moments of wonder and worry. I would stand by you if you were from any of the groups that now feel fear like they have never felt before. I am a white, upper class woman who believes in the worth of ALL people. Gather yourself up. We, those of us that don’t feel fear and hatred towards other because of their skin color, or nationality, or race, or gender or who they love, we will stand up for you if it becomes apparent that you need it. We will link arms with you and the others. If it comes to it, we will stand in front of you and make it clear that going back 75 years in time is simply not going to be allowed.
Lovely words Carla, all down the ages people are stronger when arms are linked.. c
thank you for this. and what you didn’t say is that you are anglo. White. and i agree with Melissa above….i feel
alien now. i cannot imagine how i might feel if i wore hijab or my spanish accent could mean danger for my children.
Yes, I agree. We must all put ourselves in the others shoes before we judge.. c
I don’t know what to say Celi as I have not experienced the things you have, but I can empathize with you. Worrying times indeed.
There has been a lot of fuel thrown into the fire – I think it will burn out and we will all get back to the exciting challenges of living together harmoniously (unless there is more fuel thrown into the fire that is). c
“living together harmoniously”………….. YES ~~~ my great grandparents came when america said ‘ come one, come all ‘ and so they did , and so they still should. we are all “ONE” … i am embarrassed of the electoral vote and hope that the world does not see all of us in this light , because i love and welcome all . i have not intoduced myself in the past but have been enjoying your blog daily for months , you inspire me ~ many times i wanted to respond to the beauty you remind us of daily. thank you for the energy and time, and love that you share . with love and hugs, holly
Oh thank you for reading holly and wonderful that you could comment today – love straight back to you – c
And you are white….until you open your mouth and speak, you are not seen as “different”. My daughter is an ex-pat like you, America has been her home for over 20 years, she’s married and had all her babies there…….I have wondered too if she’ll no longer be welcome. and like someone else said, her “home” , here in Australia, has mutated and although it’s where her family is, it’s no longer her home in the sense that her life is not here, we have all moved on. And like you, she doesn’t have the money to resettle here. It’s scary for everybody.
I think it is almost unusual for anyone in any life anywhere to be certain of what comes next. She is loved – that is a wonderful thing all of itself.
I have a friend who is an American citizen and married to a fellow in England and just had to go through all the hoops there to gain her resident alien documents, secure a job and generally get on with live. There were a few months there where she was certain that there was not going to be an approval, that she would be deported back to the U.S. I also know a family member who married someone here illegally, working here illegally. They had five kids together and it took a very long time to get things squared away for them. The person had to go back to their native country for several months before there would be any paperwork even started. They did finally get their green card, and yes, after a lot of expense and worry and fear and disruption of their children’s lives. I think part of the difficulty with the tenor of things in this country right now is not so much because of who did or didn’t get elected, it has more to do with the number of illegal immigrants, the arrival of numbers of people who do not want to actually become part of America, whether as resident aliens or to eventually become citizens. We have several persons in the immediate neighborhood who are calling themselves the reformers of America and who are very disinclined to change anything they used to do in their native countries. There is a lot of friction and discomfort about them, how they try and force the rest of us, citizens all, to adopt their customs and beliefs. It is even occasionally getting violent, which is wrong, and the offenders are not the citizens. Some of the difficulty is, I think, also a result of people simply not making the effort to inform themselves of the mechanisms of immigration to America. I, for one, salute you for your efforts to be a legal resident, there are many who won’t bother. As an American citizen, I am the child of immigrants, it just depended on when they came here, I am grateful they did. For all its problems, disagreements, and insane politics, America is still a great place to live.
Yes it is and i also remember when I applied for a work permit in London! They put me through the wringer!! c
Beautifully stated. While the words may not be fast flowing they are filled with your heart. I feel them. I too lack words. After our past year’s adventures overseas I’m really at a loss. And I will offer this…while this may not be your “home,” I feel more at home with you than most places.
That is such a lovely thing to say… c
Hello Cecile, My partner for 19 years is an immigrant as well with a green card but also retains his Dutch citizenship. At times like this he is at odds with what is happening in our country as am I. When we are frightened we often look at “flight”. He chose the USA and continues to do so. It is now his home and family. I so understand all the things you refer to and let us hope this will pass with time. Peace and Love.
As they say “this too shall pass.” Countries are like big unruly families – don’t you think? c