Sheila lost the use of her back legs three days ago. I tried and tried to get her to stand but she could not.
All through the night we talked about things, out there in the straw, as Poppy slept on. Sheila was sitting most of the time, all through that last night. Huge in the night. Shone by a little moon. Four times my size and gentle. I gave her drinks and hand fed her treats as we talked about old times – about bad pigs and good fields and how she would sit on command and wait to eat and walk down the creek with me and bring me her bowl for food then pick it up and run off with the filled bowl to eat it over there. And how she adopted Poppy when Poppy was tiny but never wanted piglets of her own. She was a pig apart. My special girl. Ni night she said again and again. The only word she ever learned – ni night I said back to her.
In the morning I brought the vet out for her. Amazingly while I was in calling him and getting dressed, she dragged herself all the way out of the barn and into her garden. I don’t know how. All I saw were the drag marks.
Then she turned her large body around to face the gate where I would come through and lay down.
I sat with her, she and I, for a long time again- waiting. Her voice had changed – it was urgent and low- after a while she was jawing at the pain, and she lowered her head to me.
Both the vets came out. The senior who has vetted me through all my farming (though it was his day off) and his young vet who pulled Del’s dead calf. Do you remember her?
By then I had no words / all I was saying to her was shh shh – shh, shh shh – as though to hush her to sleep. To not see them coming. My throat was closed around the awfulness of losing my companion of almost nine years. At the end my elder vet’s jaw was working, the younger vet was in tears , and I just stood and howled. My head down and my arms straight at my sides. I just sobbed.
The vets said things I don’t remember and left us with her huge dead warm body. John brought the tractor round, his hat low over glistening eyes and began to dig her grave.
I sat again with her – but in the end I let her go.
I miss her more than is reasonable. And I keep thinking I will tell her because I think she would get it. CShh shh I say to myself every time I begin to cry again. Hush, now. Ssh ssh.
Cécilia
The Kitchen's Garden 
94 responses to “Too Hard To Say”
I’m so sorry, Cécilia. I know it won’t help right now, but she had such a nice life thanks to you. And she will live on in your heart and your memories. And ours, because you were really to share her with us.
I have had to do this with so many animals and it doesn’t seem ok even when it’s the correct “time” How can something so right feel sooo awful. Just sent my 23 old cat on ahead…. it’s the pits !
Love and hugs
Oh no no, C…when I saw this title my heart sank as I knew what you were about to tell us. I have no words now either other than I am so so sad for you and everyone who knew and loved Sheila. What a wonderful, glorious bond you two had and this was your last show of love and compassion for your dear friend and I think she knew it. I remember the one and only time we met..in Portland, I wore my Sheila t-shirt that day..to honor you both. I still have and love it. It will be my remembrance of her always. I am in tears along with everyone else here that loved Sheila and for you because you have to go on without her….
Ditto Zazzy’s last sentence. Sending much love…
I recall a post you made at another loss: A life is a life, no matter how long or short and all life deserves to be celebrated.
And when any animal dies we must pause. It’s as though their tiny beating hearts become part of our own heart’s rhythm, intertwined somehow, like the bass beat in a loud band or the repeating brush from a drum. So we need to pause for a while and readjust our own hearts to beating along with them.
It touched me so then that I saved it. I think it’s appropriate right now. So sad.
There is so little to say when we lose family, it’s all feelings that don’t have words. I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for allowing us to be there at the end. Methinks all of us are with you waiting for the pain to subside . . . day by day . . .
Crying buckets. It never gets easier. It’s always such a horrible wrench when we lose our dearest friends. She was so much loved and you were a wonderful Momma to Sheila. I too found comfort in Zazzy’s C.S. Lewis quote. I shall light a wee candle in my window tonight to help sweet Sheila move onward into the universe. X
Oh Sheila, you will be missed. She was your friend like no other. I’m so sorry. We grieve with you Celi.
So sorry and my deepest condolences about Sheila. She was a great big part of the farm, with you right from the start! she will be missed by all.
Sheila had a great spirit that was illuminated through you through your blog to me!! Such a sweet soul!! And you cared for her deeply!! Will be thinking of you !!
I am so sorry, I am crying for you an Sheila. Miss Sheila was a character, we will miss her stories. Our animals are more than companions, they are true friends and confidantes, unconditional. They give and teach us so much in their short time with us. Hugs and love to you.
I just decided to go to my reader for the first time in weeks and there you are at the top. It’s taken a while to dry my eyes enough to write how hard it was to read. I can feel from your words how hard it was to say. I’m still blubbering but mostly because I know how deeply you feel for each creature that crosses your path. it’s your heart that sucked me in when you gave your talk in Portland all those years ago. You have a heart the size of Sheila. She will never be fully gone as we all carry a bit of her with us daily. I knew it was coming but it doesn’t make it less painful. I am so sorry for your deep, deep loss. I felt every word you wrote.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I knew what you were going to say and as I read your post, I started crying too. I wish I could hug you and just be with you at this time.
Never thought I would be brought to tears over the loss of a pig but I sure am! My heart goes out to your lie!
Celi not Lie!Oh my what a type! My hugs to you regarding the loss of Sheila!
So sad. 😢