Sheila lost the use of her back legs three days ago. I tried and tried to get her to stand but she could not.
All through the night we talked about things, out there in the straw, as Poppy slept on. Sheila was sitting most of the time, all through that last night. Huge in the night. Shone by a little moon. Four times my size and gentle. I gave her drinks and hand fed her treats as we talked about old times – about bad pigs and good fields and how she would sit on command and wait to eat and walk down the creek with me and bring me her bowl for food then pick it up and run off with the filled bowl to eat it over there. And how she adopted Poppy when Poppy was tiny but never wanted piglets of her own. She was a pig apart. My special girl. Ni night she said again and again. The only word she ever learned – ni night I said back to her.
In the morning I brought the vet out for her. Amazingly while I was in calling him and getting dressed, she dragged herself all the way out of the barn and into her garden. I don’t know how. All I saw were the drag marks.
Then she turned her large body around to face the gate where I would come through and lay down.
I sat with her, she and I, for a long time again- waiting. Her voice had changed – it was urgent and low- after a while she was jawing at the pain, and she lowered her head to me.
Both the vets came out. The senior who has vetted me through all my farming (though it was his day off) and his young vet who pulled Del’s dead calf. Do you remember her?
By then I had no words / all I was saying to her was shh shh – shh, shh shh – as though to hush her to sleep. To not see them coming. My throat was closed around the awfulness of losing my companion of almost nine years. At the end my elder vet’s jaw was working, the younger vet was in tears , and I just stood and howled. My head down and my arms straight at my sides. I just sobbed.
The vets said things I don’t remember and left us with her huge dead warm body. John brought the tractor round, his hat low over glistening eyes and began to dig her grave.
I sat again with her – but in the end I let her go.
I miss her more than is reasonable. And I keep thinking I will tell her because I think she would get it. CShh shh I say to myself every time I begin to cry again. Hush, now. Ssh ssh.
Cécilia
The Kitchen's Garden 
94 responses to “Too Hard To Say”
I think however much you miss her is entirely reasonable. A heart breaks to the same degree it loved. I do not know of anyone who had a companion (pig or otherwise) for 9 years without feeling a huge loss. Hugs to you all.
Goodbye for now Miss Sheila. You were a proper good pig.
Chris S
Oh Celi ~ I’m really crying for you ~ Sheila was so special and I enjoyed hearing about her. She was your Buddy ~ she loved you bunches ~ she knew she had the best loving Master in the world. You love animals the way I do ~~ it’s very hard to give them up. But Sheila knew you were always there for her ~ and especially now in the end ~ so passed on with you at her bedside ~ and closed her eyes loving you. I’m so very sorry for you ~ sharing your tears ~ Hugs to Sheila for all the great pictures of her and all the entertainment stories she gave us. Love ya Sheila ~ and we’ll all keep your Master in our thoughts ❤❤❤❤
oh dear….so very very sad….we will all remember this sweet Sheila…pig of our hearts. Much love to you and John and all who will miss her.
I’m so sorry, Miss C. Life is so terrible and horrible right now and our animals bring us such joy. To lose someone so important to you is probably soul crushing. Please take the time to grieve. We’ll be here for you when you get back.
Oh no! I’m so sorry and my heart aches for you! I am with you in spirit! This is such a hard loss. All your Celi and farmy friends are with you. Sending so much support and love.
I am so very sorry. ❤️❤️❤️
I’m sorry for your loss, I cannot hit the like button this is too sad.
My heart aches for you, Celi !
I am so very sorry…
Tears…
Sheila was some pig! God speed old frienf
She was a goddess of the porcine race, the beautiful, shrewd, intelligent and determined Sheila. What a great girl she was. I have missed hearing about her, so I can only begin to imagine how big a hole her absence must make in the fabric of your life. I am so glad you had the chance to spend that last important time with her, and that her light was extinguished with care and compassion by people you both trusted. Now is not a good time for the kind of hugs you need, but know that you are virtually surrounded by people who love and admire you and who wish they could buoy you up when grief is bending your back so hard. As long as you and this blog continue, Sheila lives on in our memories.
So sorry Celi.
Shiela, the legendary pig. What a huge loss for you to bear. You will though as you always do. Big thoughts to you and John.
Quietly weeping here in South Africa. Hugs to you, Sheila taught us all so much. Laura
Oh Celi… {{{hug}}}