With The Matriarch’s Permission. A podcast.
Getting old ain’t for sissies.
Please share. We have many, many caregivers of elderly relatives from all walks of life out there. There are literally millions of us. Unpaid and untrained living with more responsibility than they can handle but they do. Handle it.
This is only one tiny story.
I salute you all. Many of you are right here in the Fellowship. I am so proud to call you friend.
This piece is on both podcast and (as usual) written: for those who cannot hear well or prefer not to listen. But this is my voice. So I don’t mind if you listen. I ad-lib bits as I go. And it is written in my speaking voice. So there is more in the podcast than the script.
Please copy and paste the link and share with others. Please share.
Let those caregivers know they are not alone.
Love, love
Celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
44 responses to “A Tough Few Days.”
I have shared this on my blog C. Lots of hugs and love to you.
Thank you so much Deb. I think this is an important subject!
It’s a hard place to be. I have been there many times.
I suspected the case. You are one of the strong ones who take up this mantle.
We are in a lovely sisterhood, you and I. It’s a gift to be there for others.
Indeed it is
Beautifully said and written. I will pass this on to my friend Audrey in New Zealand who looked after her mother for several years.
I like Aubrey more and more every time I hear about her!
She is a beautiful person!
Beautifully written and so evocative of what we go through as caregivers. I was the caregiver for my husband when he was terminally ill with cancer at 57. (died at 59) Then it was my father and now it’s my mother. As well as having my own life (trying), I’m trying to fit in daughters and grandsons. It’s a lot of stress and not much time left for me, especially the calm and peaceful existence I crave. I hope that the cessation of meds will help her and bring her some strength and clear headedness. Getting old is certainly not for sissies but neither is being the loved one/caregiver to the elderly.
You are absolutely right! And I am shocked at how many of us are out there driving fast in all directions. Ushering our loved ones along plus grasp at bits of life as well. All my love and support to you Margaret.
You’ve had a rough several days. It’s hard being main caregiver, psychopomp, nurse, and all the rest that goes with the responsibility of taking care of someone at the end of their lives as you know. The hardest part is knowing when to let it all go and stop fighting to keep the person here. Sometimes you have to tel them it’s okay to leave and that everything will be okay so they can let go of the physical body. Keeping you and yours n my thoughts and prayers.
That is a very good point. My MiL has a do not resuscitate order in place. I need to discuss with her how far we go to keep her alive at each episode.
Yes, yes… As you wondered about the tapping, I wondered if she had one foot on the other side… And now, as you and Aquila mention this, I’m wondering if the EMS Techs know about/ have access to her DNR information?
Yes. Everyone knows. It travels with her in printed form too.
I was responsible for both my parents; both eventually had to be placed in separate homes and I still kept the caregiver badge while working and raising two children who were still in high school. I felt like the sandwich at the bottom of the bag that someone had put all the other bits of lunch and a thermos packed on top of. It will test every fiber of your being, but you can and will do it….as many of us have and do.
Oh my goodness. That is an amazing metaphor. The sandwich at the bottom of the bag. All my love to you for all that incredible work. At least I don’t have kids and I am hoping I can work in and around her care. We’ll see. But you must have been stretched in all directions.
I indeed was pulled many directions. It leaves a mark on you…
It would. Not sure how long I can keep this up!
You will find your way…or a way.
A way. Hope you are well Miss T.
I am doing well, thank you…morning miss c
Thank you for the podcast… I am shaking by the end. I feel understood even though you did not know that. We moved my MiL to residential aged care just over a fortnight ago. I was not her primary carer but one of the team of various skillsets who enabled MiL to stay in her own home, always vigilant for signs and gaps and changes. It is a relief to be able to care but not feel as responsible for her clinical wellbeing which is now in the immediate care of trained professionals who are also caring. We are still dealing with the logistics of putting it all in place, and visiting and liasing. But feeling more like her son, daughter and daughter-in-law than we’d been able to for so many years.
Oh – I did not know! And I am so grateful to have been able to help a little alleviate your mixed feelings about taking her care to the next level. It is a terrible responsibility – we make life and death decisions daily. So hard. I am so glad for you all that you made this choice.
I was part of the team doing end of life care for my mother. I was 23. She wanted to die at home, so we made it happen. My father took the night shift, a hand’s width away from her. My sister and I split the day shift. We both gave up work/studies to come home and see to it. I kept the drug book and supplies. A 23 year old in charge of large bottles of morphine and other lethal drugs, imagine. The doctor, a family friend, came daily, sometimes twice. Towards the end, when the doses were very high, she had hallucinations, wild and disturbing. She got what she asked for, a quiet death at home, surrounded by her family. But the cost to her carers was very high. I will never ask that from anyone. I will manage my own end.
And now I must ask: who is caring for *you*? Are you getting the hugs you need, the affirmation, the thanks? Because you deserve all the thanks, all the hugs, all the care.
That truly sounds just awful. I have never heard of them handing out morphine in those amounts. Lucky you had your doctor doing home visits. But what an incredible and terrible experience.
And yes! Who looks after me. I have been asked that question more than once this life. No hugs here. And my MiL is not one for thank yous. Actually she is angry and sometimes down right abusive which is getting worse.
I guess I get my support from you all. As I have no family here of my own. The Fellowship are my support.
The doctor was a great friend and virtually a member of the family. Otherwise we would never have been trusted with the medication, which otherwise would have had to be administered by a visiting nurse. I understand the Matriarch’s raging against the night, but to lash out at you is hard and unjust. Please accept hugs. I wish they could be real.
I will take all the hugs – real is relative you know!!
Personality changes are not uncommon after a stroke. My father had noticeable changes after his second stroke. After he went into the hospital near the end he was no longer the man we’d known. fortunately he did know who we were and it didn’t last but a couple days. The anger is not unexpected. the elder is aware that they are losing their independence, their agency and that their body is betraying them so they lash out. I know you are patient and forgiving, still the anger makes it harder for everyone. It may also be the drugs. My late spouse was getting very angry and after a little research I found one of the meds was responsible which we let the doctors know and they removed it.
Research is key but so hard to see a personality change like that.
I went through a long process of caregiving for my mother before her passing and it was always up and down. not easy for anyone, I feel for you
Yes Beth! It is not easy and the tireless work of our caregivers needs to be applauded. You need to be applauded.
All of us
Seriously – all the drugs. At her end, my mom was taking so many drugs, I had to tape a sample to each bottle so I could fill her pill doser properly. I had no idea what each pill was doing, let alone pronounce the names, and I wish I had had the nerve to ask. Or the nerve to just stop.
Yes! I am thinking of using AI – chat GPT to run a check – for side effects once they are all put together.
Sandy has only five pills a day now and her doctor was saying you are doing really well, by your age most people are taking way more than that. Not on my watch I said to myself.
And filling out the pill doser is nuts! When I was nursing we checked the pills in and out in pairs. Always double checking each other. I am always a little over careful with Sandys drugs
This brings back memories, of my dad, that was hard, not so much of my mom other than butting heads with her doctor for pushing pills at her, my sister had most of her care though hers was a remarkably peaceful journey, and of my John. His wasn’t long and not terribly dramatic, I do believe he made up his mind that he wasn’t going down that road and willed himself out of the fray. It can be somewhat terrifying, mostly the fear of making a horrible mistake. There’s always a kind of feeling of inadequacy but, you do what you need to do.
I do remember you losing your John. It was fast – I hope I can will myself out of the fray when the time comes. Plus I B am not sure how much of this her health insurance will pay – that is another worry.
Two mornings after his son and I had to help him to the commode next to his hospice bed in our living room he flung the blankets back and said he had to get out of here and was gone.
It is just so wrong to worry about dollars and cents at a time like this.
I know right? But we kind of have to as well. So far so good but I live in fear of going over the limit of her coverage.
Yow! What an ordeal for you, the Matriarch and the other caregiver. Of course you are tired. I’m tired every day, never get enough sleep or time off (Mom doesn’t sleep much).
The lack of sleep is a very real problem. I have just had two full nights sleep and I feel like a new woman!
Oh CC, my heart hurts! Thank the gods you were there and paying attention; that you hadn’t given anymore of those bloody pills and have the experience that most people lack. All of your observations were spot on – particularly about the dark, ‘coffee-grounds’ appearance of the old blood Your Elder had swallowed because of the never-ending nosebleed. Take care of yourself! With much love to you and those around you, Deb
Thank you Deb. And let’s hope we do not have a repeat of that particular night.