Most of what we do is mere survival. We assume it means nothing. Cleaning. Bathing. Avoiding the phone. Sleeping. Eating. Washing our hair. Sitting on the toilet thinking. Sweeping the floor. Grocery shopping. The smile for the person in the store. Food for our friends chased from their homes into our gutters. Mascara. Fighting the stoop. Cleaning the windows. Planting tomatoes. Scratching the dogs ears.
And maybe it does mean nothing.
But if everything has an equal and opposite reaction. (A sentence that has fascinated me my whole life). Then everything means something. Every cog shifts an invisible gear that moves another. Our lives are like a scent trailing in the air behind us creating cushions of time. Swirling into the other. All of these little survivals building a foundation.
We have our passions and our missions and our somersaults- we roar against unjust rulings but most of our lives are simple and good in this ordinary pursuit of our own survival and the support of our people. Our movements and words moving out into the world rippling through the lives of others.
These are not holidays for me. Not vacations. Not time off from the farm. If my people lived near me on the farm I would never leave it. But I am an immigrant and an elder in my own homeland family. So when I travel I am not a sightseer. A seer of sights. (Though I will show you some sights). I do not have a bucket list. My buckets carry pig food. My passion is the small details in our lives. The tiny stitches in our fabric. Each years travels are essential to the web I keep knitting below my children. Supporting and underwriting their simple survival. The safety net underneath the trapeze. The web that will catch them when they fall and I am not there. The bounce so we can all soar.
Because we all will fall. And most of those falls are just a bit of flailing about through the air. I’ve got you. Your history has you. And if the fall is great trust the weave in your safety net. Take the chance. Trust.
Our mere existence is fleeting. Our squabbles and petty jealousies all fodder for the bin of time. As soon as next week our words are forgotten by all except the most zealous of shit stirrers. Yet our presence, our scent, our impressions will swirl into each other for all of time. Generations of collective memory stitched into the patchwork of life your old people have woven for you. That is your safety net.
One hand, one grasp can live deep in the muscle of memory causing blocks of change down through the years. Change we will never see. Memories we are not reminded of. Stories. A hand back up. Support.
This knowledge of our personal impact should not build anxiety. That whole ‘everything having an equal and opposite reaction’ stuff. Roll with it. And be ready for the fall out. Your power can bring magic if allowed to flow without pressure. With trust. Without fear. That juxtaposition of trust and fear. Trust me to make of my life what I will. Trust yourself to do the same.
I know the modern thinking is to be intentional, and aware and involved. Therapists and pills and harried rushing from one diagnosis to the next. Talking it out. Finding truth. Stripping the meat from the delicate bones to expose our true selves. Cutting out this food. Or that experience or that person from their lives. Leaving our people to shiver and feel the truth. Whatever we decide that truth should be. To fix it. To bend to our will. Because we know better.
Well. We don’t. Know better. I am not you. I prefer to knit beloved memories to keep you warm. Safety bets of good food and laughter. You will work it out. I trust you.
I have never believed in dependence. I cannot live second guessing every movement and decision of those in this journey with me. I am not your butler. I will support you to take control of your own power, your own moment and believe in your own right to mistakes. But know that I am spinning a web of protection below you – I come to sit with you. To watch with you. To listen and nod and travel with you. For a while. To tell the little children the old stories and begin their spider web weaving. I come from far away and I cannot even stay too long. I will cook and cast spells. And drink and laugh and cry. So if you slip, on slippery life, the patchwork of memories and moments we build each time we are together will help to catch you.
A trampoline of words and wishes is right at your feet. Bounce.
This is what I bring you. My beloved children.
I am in Melbourne, Australia now.
Ceci
The Kitchen's Garden 
38 responses to “The Family Web of Survival”
Oh my. This has me in tears because it is exactly what I needed to hear today in reference to my own life. Thank you.
That is wonderful! That makes me so happy to read!
You and I from different places of growing up and learning the skills of life, bring the same thoughts and feelings to our families. Recently our family has spread away from New Zealand with three of the four grandsons, living elsewhere, and the fourth about to start his trip in May. I like to think that over the years with my children and grandchildren I have given them a safety net to catch them if they fall, to know that I am always there if not in person but certainly and always in love and memories shared.
Thanks for sharing this particular post
Yes! That is it exactly. There are theories that anything you teach a child after the age of eight is just a bonus. By then you have taught them the tenets of survival. We have to trust ourselves and in turn trust our kids. My grandchildren have always lived far from me so I cannot imagine your sorrow at them moving away. Lots of love to you, Judith!
I am devastated that they will all soon be far away. Apart from when they went to university they have always lived close and I have been part of their lives. I know how very lucky I have been. Enjoy your upcoming visit.
As absentee mothers/grandmothers, we have to work hard to keep the relationships strong. This is a wonderful piece of writing that resonated with me. xo
Evening Darlene! I agree 100% – keeping our connections alive and well and fluid has to be worked at but is worth every minute. A series of scenes that have to be played for the whole story to become clear.
What a wonderful read….one which I thoroughly enjoyed and understand. When I left the UK in 1966 for the States (initially for. a two year visit) I ended up having two children there (they are now 58 and 49). I returned to UK/Europe in 1993…and since then have been developing safety nets of all kinds. Like you, i have travelled extensively but nothing to do with sight seeing! Everything to do with developing safety nets. Thank you:)
You get it Janet! We keep our hands on our kids and their families but lightly – gently and very surely. I love travelling around them! Have a great afternoon!
XX
Beautiful words and thoughts. I will keep them close forever. Thank you Cecilia.
Thank you Pip. What a beautiful comment. You take care! c
You are right, in so many ways. The modern world has split families relative to work and financial security, where in times past, whole families gave each other strength and a local support network. I still see that in Spain and Italy, but it is being eroded there too.
I hate the Groundhog Day thing of going to bed and waking up to the same bathroom routine in the morning. I think that’s the worst part of the human condition in a safe European home.
Oh repetition! It can be so soul sucking. I particularly hate the repetition of resetting the kitchen every damn morning!!
Yes exactly – all those boring things that you have to do everyday …and for me, I’d almost rather not go to bed, but just carry on as I am! Of course, that’s not possible without sleep. I used to go into the walk in fridge to wake up, when I was working as a chef 🙂
lol. Thanks MadDog, Got an instant recall of the beauty of the wooden paneling of the walk-in all those decades ago and rotating stock was a welcome chore in the heat of the summer kitchen: )
Ha ha ha!
Yep. It perplexes me that what you’ve written needs to be explained but I had pretty much a similar conversation yesterday with someone. On too many occasions I feel we are the subject of others’ projected thoughts which is natural… until they become judgements. That’s uncomfortable. We have our challenges, our realities and we do what we need to do but we have our reasons and it involves always cost-benefit and necessity. It might look easy or extravagant or… however often it’s not. In carers terms we call it beneficial masking, a form of self/care to make the best of ourselves and others.
Certainly not extravagant as I couch surf around the world! This is the cheapest way to travel! Beneficial Masking. Hmm. I must explore that. Thank you Dale. Overcast and cool here in Melbourne. I think I missed the heat!
Mostly masking is discussed informally among carers in the context that emotional support is a vastly underacknowledged aspect of the carer role, particularly the “keeping up appearances” that maintains a underpinning sense of normality both personally and as perceived by others. But there is an article that touches upon the topic… https://ojs.deakin.edu.au/index.php/ps/article/view/392
I will bend a non-judgemental ear if you need to unmask/decompress. You know that no appearances need to be kept up with me. I have an inkling of what you’re experiencing.
This sort of support is so terribly important when the bottom falls out.
With so much happening to so many, and all at the same time; it’s become almost impossible to keep the nets mended. I have very much missed visiting here.
and what a beautiful gift you bring and leave with them when you go.
And hopefully they don’t even know. They just feel better. That is enough for me.
I so get that.
This has to be the most insightful post I’ve seen in a long time. It’s beautiful. Seriously beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with all of us here.🦋
You are always welcome. I love the time travel gives to my writing!
Thank you, dear Celi. I have a wonderful image to contemplate now: Ariadne’s web, delicate yet tough, strung across the darkness to catch stumbling children and lost adults. The web is brilliant with tiny lights; love offered, hands held out, wisdom shared. You made this. Bravo. It’s a masterpiece, which will only improve as you weave more threads into it.
Lovely vision!
I was moved by your words and passed this post along to my three grown children. I told them the post resonated with me a lot. They each have children of their own. I see them weaving webs of support for their families. They will understand the message. Thank you.
Side comments about equal and opposite. Newton, Isaac not Fig, observed 3 laws about motion. 1) An object tends to remain in its state of motion if no force acts on it. Inertia. 2) An unbalanced force on an object makes that object change its motion. Accelerate. 3) If two objects apply forces on each other, those two forces are exactly equal and oppositely directed. The resulting changes in motion are not always equal and opposite due to the possible mass differences in the two objects. For example, a fully loaded massive railcar rolls forward and connects to an empty railcar. The force of the collision accelerates the less massive car a lot. The equal and opposite force decelerates the more massive car a little. It happens all the time with no exceptions.
Oh these side notes are awesome- thank you. I will study them and think on how they apply to common conversations and human reactions. Very good. Thank you.
Thank you Jim, so very well said: )
Oh, and Curling… ; )
Oh Ceci…..what a thought provoking post you have written today. It does seem when you ARE NOT doing so many darn farm chores you have much more time for introspection and thought provoking posts. Although, without the farm, you would not be able to provide us with all the wonderful pics of all your “little darlings” on the farm.
Enjoy being “down-under”.
Jo
Thank you and yes!! I do have more time to think when I am not farming and caregiving. So nice!
Thank you Cece. Your thoughts are a soothing balm, and you &those who travel with you are such a wonderful bunch of humans.
You have really articulated this well, I love it!
On Newton’s Third Law…
IF ~> According to Newton’s Third Law,
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”…
THEN ~> Karma?
Should this not be our mindful intention ~ to have awareness of words, thoughts & actions ~ and by so doing, do no harm unto others; nor allow ourselves to be misshapen by those with mal-intent?
(Sorry. This was awkward:/)