Yesterday I drove through heavy traffic, deep in the mess of Chicago’s highways, to deliver Allan and his son to the convention in Rosemont up by O’Hare. The Chicago traffic was shocking. The cars were driving at different speeds. Everyone was angry. Loads of long overfilled trailers. Construction with workers and diggers and post hole drivers and dust and temporary signage. Break downs pulled to the side. Traffic swirling around them. Police cars erupting from exits. Slow drivers. Fast drivers. Distracted wobbly drivers. Trucks passing so close I could see the dust on their windows high above me.
Driving up into the city makes me nervous – very nervous – detrimentally nervous – it is a life changing fear – I will do almost anything to avoid driving. I decided to face my fears of city traffic this week and drive up twice by myself. Once to collect my visitors from OHare – a horrible drive – and once to deliver them back to a hotel very close to OHare. Armed with nothing but my GPS and a cup of strong iced coffee for the last leg I conquered my very real destructive relationship with big city driving.
I dissected my fear and realized a lot of it was fear of getting lost in a big unforgiving city, of missing a turn. But also I am afraid of looking stupid. Getting honked at. Making the wrong move. Not being in the right lane. Looking out of place. Getting a flat tire. Running out of petrol. Missing a turn off and ending up miles from anywhere. I feel brittle and am ridden with anxiety when faced with a long drive into unknown territory. I have to consciously adjust my grip on the steering wheel and relax my posture. The whole way I am telling myself to relax. Settle down. It is only fear. It should not dominate me. Fear is the enemy. So settle the fuck down and pay attention to the road.
I have always battled with driving in big cities. When I lived in London as a much younger woman I would do almost anything to avoid driving the car around the city. I was, still am, incredibly fit due to the determination to avoid driving. I train in and walk.
Written down all this sounds silly.
I do so much scary stuff. Why does driving trip me up? How did this fear get so bossy.
But what is stronger when we make our choices. The fear? Or the knowledge we have accrued over years. Some fears are way too strong. They overpower my knowledge. And they hide behind my great big brave blue eyes and my straight smile.
I have no problem driving in New Zealand.
So this week I did that drive up to the city not just once but twice in three days. It is almost two hours each leg. Or at least should be.
Yesterday was five hours of straight America driving. Half of it alone. Delivering my visitors back up into the concrete jungle. I managed all the highway changes and merges and fast swerving, driving with aplomb. I kept to the correct side of the road. I changed lanes at high speed without collisions. I even had to change course and return to the hotel when Allan left his satchel in the car. Plotting a new course on the fly.
I called that a massive win.
Now, conquering fears is a funny thing. You can win. Achieve your goal. Succeed. Shift the goalposts. But for me – maybe you too – then a person has to practice a few more times so as to assimilate this goal and make it normal. The barbs of fear can still bite and every one of them needs to be vanquished, dominated, put down and kept down. Not just smoothed out of sight.
So. I have to practice! Go places!
Do you have a fear like this? How are you working on it? Does it ever go away? Will there ever be a time I approach my vehicle with confidence?
But first – farming and house. A couple of days of visitors and a lot of rain left me behind! I need to play catch up today!
I am looking forward to writing the TKG Sustainable Sunday newsletter over the next few days. And bring you all up to date and talk…
About interesting things.
Take care and talk soon.
Celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
48 responses to “Giving Fear its Name and Beating It”
There is useless fear and healthy fear. You are driving a 4000 pound deadly weapon and others are driving even bigger deadly weapons. You are wise to realize the consequences of a mistake. We fear things that make no sense, but driving in heavy traffic with people who don’t pay attention makes sense to me. I am no longer able to drive more than 20 miles each way but I still have a healthy respect for the task at hand. I don’t listen to tunes or anything while concentrating on driving. I’ve driven the Autobahn and all over different countries getting lost regularly. Up and down coastlines here putting thousands of miles on my vehicle. Each city I come to, brings high anxiety and careful attention. Even my dog who traveled with me so often, could smell the fear until we were well outside city limits. That kind of fear is nothing to be embarrassed about as it’s quite healthy. You feel the fear and do it carefully , anyway. 🙂 Keep at it. Hugs.
When I lived in an urban area, I was able to drive around the city with just a healthy amount of anxiety (mainly centered around being able to find somewhere to park!). After this many years of country living, I find it much more nerve-wracking! I’m so used to wide-open spaces and lots of room between my car and the next. Plus everything you mentioned about getting lost in cities, other drivers having no patience, etc. That said, I’ve gone this long without being in a crash, and maybe that has something to do with the level of fear/respect I have for the task of driving. I hope that’s the case for you, too!
I haven’t driven in a big city for more than 8 years so it’s hard to say how I’d go but I was a confident comfortable city driver so I’d like to hope my muscle memory kicked in. I’m fine driving in our local regional city… it’s driving around the smaller tourist/aging population towns that makes me nervous.
Traffic is a lot worse today than it has ever been, particularly in Toronto, so I can well imagine how bad it is in a city like Chicago. I have driven into the city but not for a long time, but I have never been a fearful driver but I am extremely dependant on my GPS. I am sure your guests appreciated door to door service without the expense of a taxi. Hope you are well. Please say hello to Chgo John for us.