sex on the farmy

So let’s have a wander through the developing sustainable, self sufficient, old fashioned farm then. I will take you with me while I do my early morning chores.

I jabbed Daisy on Monday with her hormone injection, the first of three. (We are trying for a baby.. cannot make cheese without milk, cannot make milk without a baby) She gave me a filthy look and still has not forgiven me. This morning she wandered into the barn where I was mucking out and very purposefully stood on my foot.  I mean really stood on my foot, then she slowly leaned forward, pressing as much weight onto my foot as she could and said, ‘So you like that. Giving people pain like that?’  I am wacking her ineffectually on the neck . Bad cow, ow,  get off! bad cow!  Wacking her big long thick neck with my tiny hand, I am 118 pounds to her 1000 this is really not fair.  She grins evilly at me.  ( Cows can grin evilly  you know.) Then slowly she  drags her bony hoof off my broken foot.

Daisy has a personality disorder  and here comes her  other personality (tiny girlie voice)  “Oh, I am so sorry, darling. Was that your foot, sweetness? I just did not see that little foot way down there.  You want to lift up your widdle foot and I will kiss it better. Poor little pumpkin. I love pumpkins. Oh I feel terrible and here you are so kind to me and not Jabbing me in the Ass with a needle this morning.” She raises her foot again. (tone changes down to flat out mean) ‘Got any treats, Human!’ I climb over the gate.  An expedient exit.

As I limp through the lambs paddock  to the chook house I can hear Mama and Hairy having some kind of serious chat in their new paddock behind me.

Mama (mama sheep) and Hairy McLairy (daddy sheep) have been reunited, it is time.   Hairy immediately started to follow her around, stretching his head out, sniffing at her in an uncommonly rude manner. He holds his mouth in such a funny way that his teeth show. Really not a good look.   She trots along ahead of him just out of reach.

If Hairy were to speak I imagine that his voice would have a smooth, smoky dripping with sex, French accent.(please use a smooth, smoky, dripping with sex French accent when reading this bit. All sex and woo hoo hoo and  bonjour madame, wink wink,)

Hairy Mclairy :  mm hmm my darling, my little weed petal,  my smelly love cushion,  my fallen angel in the grass, you have come home to me.  I have been watching you from afar through the wire bars of my really big cage and you are  ‘an’some, you are beeuutiful,  so sexy,  all woman, you have come back to me ..

mama trots on – (please use east end, fag in your mouf, been around the  block a couple of times, grown up guttersnipe, street girl,  voice. )

Mama: Bugger off ya filfy blighter! Ya big ugly sod.  Gerroff ya git. Ya oik! (I love the word oik) I saw you with that fat  cow, you two’ve been shacked up all summer, love cushion, my arse.  Go on…. git.   Out of it.  You dirty old ram.  You want them fat.  I’ll give ya fat. Stop your snivveling.. ya oik,  (still love it) you’ve been drinkin’  aven’t ya.  Not sharing neiver!  Ya  haven’t lost any weight off your fat arse  though  ‘ave ya..

Their voices fade  as I limp across the little home meadow to the chook house.

Rooster in the Chook House: Everybody! Pay attention please! (clap of wings). Please, don’t make me raise my voice.   Wings up if you are listening!.  Miss c is coming. Look lively there. Michelle put the lid back on the feed bin,  quick into the eggboxes look like you actually lay an egg once in a while.  Quietly rolling that water bucket back, Nina,  I told you it is not a toy, you want her to hear you, think you are a thieving chicken?  Quick wake up, wake up, off your perches, Tessa start pecking.  Because I am the boss thats why (strut strut) Toot, scratch stuff, forget about your nails – scratch, look busy, get off my desk Lily, Miss c is on her way. One to an eggbox esmeralda, one at a time you foolish chicken. No back chat – I am The Rooster.  Hmm.  Short stuff go see where she is. Let me know when she is close, Miranda did you poo on top of the door again so it falls on her head, you know she hates that.  That is such a nasty low down chicken trick.  Lay that egg Marylou, lay that egg  – this is not a holiday farm! What?.  because it is your job, quit whining… get busy. Chop chop!

I had to seperate Mia (ewe lamb) from her mother so I have put The Murphy’s (lambs for the freezer are all called Murphys) in with Mia in this little meadow with good green fattening grass.

Mia: Miss c! Miss c.! (gallops over)  The Murphy’s are being mean. Tell them off. Tell them off! They banged my head. They did the head butting thing. I just wanted to play with them. You brought them in for a play date didn’t you?  They are not staying in my meadow forever  are they? No! They are so rough.  I hate them!  I am their sister. They won’t listen to me at all! Can I tell them you are going to eat them, can I? Can I? Can they go now, can I help you put them in the trailer can I, can I?  Oh Miss c. Have you got a sore foot?  Oh let me see, oh no poor you, was it that big fat cow? oo  sorry my little hoofys are a bit sharp, they’re just new, sorry, sorry. I can keep up with you, you know, because I am a big lambie.  I will help you feed the chicks. OO Miss c is that Marys Cat? Hi Marys Cat.  You walked all this way by your little self. On those little furry feet? Why don’t you have a real name Mary’s Cat, like me. I am Mia, can you say Mia? Ow WAAA. Miss c they did it again.  They snuck up on me and head bashed me again. She’ll chop you UP!!   WAA. Ya wanna come here and say that! Come on then. Lets see what ya got!. 

WAA. Look Look ! BONK Quick. miss c look by the rock. Help her. OW BASH. The Murphy is touching my kitty. THUD Help.  They are trying to steal my kitty! I hate you, you are ruining my life!

After feeding the chooks, who had no eggs from me I went to visit the calves. The steer (all steers are called Bobby) and my sweet little Hereford who, when she is grown, will be the mother of my organic, grass fed, beef herd (fingers crossed) – Queenie Wineti.  They both lift their heads, and silently search me from afar for any signs of food, then sigh with  bovine resignation, and return to the grass. Ok.

Well I guess everyone is present and accounted for.  Now for my morning coffee.  TonTon I do not want those guineas, quit herding them with me everywhere I go. Go home. All cats and dogs go home.  No Mia.   Go play nicely with your brothers. I have kitty. Breakfast time for me.


22 Comments on “sex on the farmy

  1. Brilliant, brilliant! I clearly am not the only person who has real conversations with her animals – although we only have dogs and chickens. Hope the foot isn´t too bad!

    • The foot is fine now, She was just reminding me that she wants to be the boss too!! we will have to share!! ha ha fat chance (who said that)

    • I have to admit that our John brings me my morning coffee at 5.30 when he leaves for work, (don’t tell anyone) so i had a wee bit of caffeine in my system at least..

  2. This was the most fun post I have read! I’m glad I found your blog to follow along with your farm life! The kitty photo is adorable…but all of them were just awesome!

  3. What great photos! And, your writing is excellent. I’ve been reading through several of your past posts, and they’re great! Thanks for commenting on my blog. I’ve added yours to my Google Reader and look forward to reading in the future!

  4. I followed you back from my blog — no, I’m not a stalker. Yours is like looking through a window upon a world that I know nothing about. A world that you’ve photographed quite well. I’ll be back; I’ve got some catching up to do.

  5. Dear Cecila, I am glad your foot is fine. What a beautiful writing, I enjoyed so much. You are such a beautiful one. I can almost see you in your beautiful farm. And yessssssss, you cat and the photographs… as if there is a kiss at the end. 🙂 I loved them so much. Be careful for next time dear Cecilia, Thank you, Blessing and Happiness, with my love, nia

  6. Cecelia, thank you for this delightful, funny post, with great pictures. I must say that the French sheep bit was my favorite!

    • Hope you did the voices!! Actually just quietly I read it to myself after I put it up. Somehow this clarifys the work. Anyway when I did the french sheep ha ha I laughed again too!. Such fun we have.

  7. I love the way your writing brings the whole farm to life. I hope Mama and Hairy McLairy can sort out the differences in their relationship!

  8. I’m still laughing at the idea of a French accented sheep calling an eastend sheep “my little weed petal”, in fact I had to stop reading and start again. Morning !

  9. Well, Chica’s comment from last year took my first word…but I’ll say it anyway…Brilliant! I immediately read with a French accent for Hairy and was mouthing Mama’s part out loud to get the accent right, so fun. Brilliant!!!

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