December is on its way. You are all in the countdown until Christmas. I can hear you all wrapping and plotting. Writing lists and checking off names. Putting up Christmas Trees. Rediscovering decorations. I know you are thinking about what you will eat and who will be at the table. You will wonder whether your present is the right one and maybe what you might receive. You will think about the music and what wine to serve. Christmas will be a delightful focus for you in the month ahead. 
But not for me. You see I don’t have the Christmas spirit. I don’t know where it went. Well actually I do know where it went. I am quite prepared for a blinding silence as you read this. That hauled in breath. I know it is your favorite season. But I need to get this said. I need to get these words out of the way if you like. I am not good with Christmas. Our John calls me the Grinch. But that is OK because it means I don’t have to explain or pretend to behave any differently. And really it is hard to understand. I will try to explain it to YOU though, why my heart elevates to an unreachable place at Christmas. Why my soul becomes a watcher. Why I go into a hiatus. A waiting time. A flux.
When my children were small their father and I separated, then divorced. I was in my late twenties. I had five live children. My own mother had already died, my own family dispersed. Every year after that, for fourteen years actually, I spent Christmas alone. My children went to have Christmas with their beloved Grandmother. Their fathers mother. She was a wonderful person, she adored her grandchildren. She died a year ago and I know my children will miss her terribly this Christmas. Every single summer they would travel almost to the top of New Zealand with their father and have Christmas with Oma and Opa. This was their tradition. I am deeply grateful that we ensured that they were with her each year. My kids and I are very close. We kind of grew up together. They understand this Christmas thing. We did the right thing at Christmas. 
Now please don’t get me wrong. I was not a sorry orphan at Christmas. I woke up alone on Christmas morning but I had friends to visit, usually for an early breakfast. Then they would go to their families for lunch, (twice I was even kidnapped to go to their parental homes with them but it was not right because my aloneness followed me like a silent cat, I was hopeless) so turning down all their kind offers to accompany them, I would proceed to my project. I always set myself a Christmas Day Project. I had a wonderful darkroom in an old walk-in safe in a very old abandoned railways workshop right beside the sea. It was an enormous mystery of a space. So I would take my dog and work in there. Just close the door and be gone for hours. With my antique enlarger and my rickity timer with its loud click, click. Darkrooms are perfect for absenting yourself. Time means nothing in a darkroom. 
When I came up for air (literally) I would go home smelling of fixer, wet black and white prints drying on a towel on the back seat of my family sized station wagon and I would make my Christmas lunch. I always ate the same thing. For my Christmas Dinner every Christmas, I had fillet steak and mashed potatoes with gravy (made with Marmite of course) and a salad. For years I rented the movie Breakfast at Tiffanys. Every year I would pour myself a glass of champagne, sit on the couch, put my bare feet up on the old scarred science classroom coffee table with fifty year old rude words carved into it, all the windows open to the day and eat my fillet steak and mashed potatoes with gallons of gravy and say Holly Golightly’s lines for her with my mouth full. I know this sounds a bit sad but really it was not. My kids were having a great time. They would spend the whole afternoon at the beach with their grandparents, cousins and family. They always did. They were not with me so I was with myself. I was still. Does this make any sense? No-one bothers you on Christmas day. Stillness and aloneness are allowed.
Later that day in the lovely warm Christmas evening I would take my three legged black dog whose name was Marzellet Mazout the Marzipan Kid and we would go for a walk. A really long walk. No-one is on the roads at Christmas, all the shops are closed. All the cars are gone. On Christmas afternoon New Zealand goes to the beach, so the coastal town became my own town. There was a magical Christmas hush that I used to believe was my consolation prize. This massive empty moment, when you long for your children’s voices but know that they are well and loved. Not being all together is OK. My aloneness was OK. I walked. Time ceased to matter. The endless clatter in my head gentled. 
But along the way I lost the day. Christmas Day lost me. Like a bright red balloon my Christmas Spirit unravelled from my fingers and floated away.
Of course Boxing Day was a completely different story. Boxing day was party day at Celi’s. My bright scented garden would heave with friends and music and laughter on Boxing Day. We would carry couches and tables and chairs under the trees and have ourselves A Time. But I can still feel my Christmas Day stillness. The Christmas Day waiting. It was strangely precious. No mirror. No acting. No pretending. Just a deep quiet that no other day offers.
I do give Christmas presents, but not always on Christmas Day. I love to give presents so I give them when I find them. I am hopeless at wrapping and keeping secrets. I do not understand Christmas Trees.
I am again without my children this Christmas and so I feel that stillness approaching like a silent cool low mist. You never grow out of missing your children. From the moment they are born you are afraid when they are out of your sight. There are many, many parents like me who know this. Many, many parents who spend Christmas Day alone. Many, many people without children who spend this day alone. A few of my own children will be without family far away out there in the world.
And if YOU are alone on Christmas Day, then you are in good company. Being alone is like being Free. You have time to Make a Plan. Let it be special.
c
The Kitchen's Garden 
122 responses to “The Christmas Mist – Alone on Christmas Day”
I hear you I hear you! Last year was not Christmas for me…new city and state, mom had passed away, no family nearby, kids grown and doing their own thing in the old state. I just was not feeling it. This year I have no idea what will happen outside of I must put up a tree and do some decorating for the little t in me. Can I have a loaf of that wonderful looking bread for Boxing day though? 🙂
I bet you will decorate a gorgeous tree too.. welcome back Miss T.. c
Ceciliag! It is so hard for people to grasp the glorious silence of Christmas Day. It is like no other. To hear your description of having the town to yourself makes me grin. I know the feeling. Good for you writing about this. I think too many people feel shame about being alone instead of making it a special event for themselves.
I grew up in a good-sized family where we did all the typical prep for the big day. Gifts were name draws so there was no stress about commercialism. I have special memories of making chocolates each year with my oldest sister and feeling so grown up and included. Family Christmases were grand.
As an adult, a career woman, and married for a period, Christmas turned into masses of shopping and miles of traveling. I’m childless and on my own now so am grateful about being able to stay at home. I admit, I love to receive invitations from nieces or nephews or from friends. It’s great to know I’m remembered, but I reserve the right to see what the weather is going to be like.
Remembering Canada’s wintery weather, if it’s safe and simple, I will be with people. If it isn’t, like you, I have projects that keep me engaged and able to enjoy my aloneness.
P.S. I adore your progressive photos of the bread. Ingenious! Instead of marmite, could I bring some peanut butter? 😀
i am sure the bread would be lovely with peanut butter! Though I have to tell you that there are a mystery Three loaves that have raisins rolled into them! (smiles) c
Thank you so much for leaving this comment. I am thrilled that you have also experienced that lovely stillness of a Christmas day alone in the City and loved it too. I think it is a rare thing to have known. And I love that you wait and see what you are going to do at Christmas, this is so powerful. have a lovely week.. c
I really enjoy reading your blogs and am using one of your photos as the screen background on my laptop….. thanks for taking it
The line “you never grow out of missing your Children” struck a cord with me. Like you, my family of origin dispersed when I was young, therfore my own children (when they arrived) became everything to me. This Xmas my oldest son is on a military deployment in a troubled country, so I will not have all my children with me for the first time. There is an empty frightened place in my heart so I guess I am trying to compensate by having four Xmas funtions this year. The last one being a gathering of my family of origin, this will be the first time we have all gathered for more years than I care to remember, very exciting. Sadly my dearest sister is unable to come as she is also far far away. What is it about family and friends that although many members are in attendance at an event, the one that is missing can be yearned for at such a depth.
Hi G, Wonderful that you commented. really cool. Aren’t families funny. I hope you have absolutely splendid Christmas parties. and when you do get together with that raggle taggle original group .. have a quiet champagne for the Black Sheep. Beside your favouritist new tree! Quiet mind. Oh and which of the shots is on your laptop?c
I’m with you 100 percent, I welcome being alone at Christmas. Wonderful name for a dog, BTW 🙂
Thanks cindy, he was a good old thing too that Dog. c
Thank you for writing this post as most people do not understand what it is like to be alone on a holiday. My extended family always celebrated on the Sunday before Christmas and then my daughter often went to her father’s for holidays so there were many years when I was on my own. Some years, I had a project to keep myself occupied and some years, I simply enjoyed the little things, like going outside to watch the sunrise.
Morning Nancy, .. the funny thing is that I always thought I was the only one who had so many christmas’ alone(, and it is only ion the last five years that i have not been alone) but now i discover that there really are many many women and men who quite happily just toddle on with their very own special day.. c
Very honest post! Actually when I was younger I have slept throughh Christmas for at least 4 times, this was when my mom migrated for another country.
Ha ha ah a that it fantastic, sleeping through christmas is brilliant.. isn’t it sweet how the mums are the anchors for things like this!! c
Cecilia beautifully written. I don’t feel the same but I completely understand the thought process behind your Christmas feelings.
Beautiful and honest dear lady.
Hi Hippy, Thank you for getting it and commenting, it was a difficult write .. and lovely that we all have such different experiences! and get to enjoy them c
This post almost made me cry (I do not cry easily). I think I will book mark this page to read Xmas morning. I also have an issue with my birthday. But reading all these comments… it makes me wonder – who over the age of 14 does look forward to christmas? Maybe those lucky people whose families have never been touched by divorce or feuds. I feel they’re probably few and far between. And very lucky.
Oh Aimee, honey, i did not mean to make you cry. I think kids and grannies are often the ones who look forward to christmas.. People with People I guess. However all I really meant to say was that you don’t need all those people to have a perfectly lovely day. And once people know that this is going to be your own special day on your own terms they tend to let you be and that christmas quiet is just grand.. Now the sun is rising so I must away out to the barn and shiver my way through the chores! Daisy is calling! c
I like that – ‘once people know that this is going to be your own special day on your own terms they tend to let you’. I think I need to adopt that more. Don’t worry, you made me cry in a good way. Made me think a bit more about how to self-preserve this year instead of getting caught up in pleasing everyone. Have a lovely day xx
It is hard not to try and please everyone isn’t it! c
What a story! But I love Christmas!!
This year, my husband & I are the hosts. We have invited 10 family members & I can’t wait!
But I will be thinking of you & raise a Champagne glass to you & your well written articles & blog!
Big hugs & kisses from Belgium! xxx
How lovely that you are the hosts this year, Christmas is so much fun in your own home, you will have a great time i am sure. Will your christmas be white, is it snowing there yet I wonder?.. c
I’m not sure that I have the words to say what a lovely post this is. Non-sentimental, yet deeply felt. Poignent, yet not sachrine. Meaningful, yet not at all forced. Lovely.
Thank you gretchen. Those are really kind words.. c
Thanks for sharing such a personal part of yourself. I feel both sad and touched by your story. I share a very similar past. My mother passed when I was 16, never had grandparents and when I moved out of state, my kids from a very young age spent every Xmas with their father…and therefore, I was alone. I celebrated with them before they left. Also too on Easter. But you do have your John, your animals and your lovely farmy. Despite such a change in my childhood holidays to those now, I never lost my Xmas spirit and love for the holiday. I feel a sadness but its expected and I enjoy and appreciate what I have. I’ll be thinking of your white, snowy Xmas and how pretty it will look!!
yes spice for the last four years i have had Johns family, so that is nice. There are many of us that were alone at christmas and many of us still are and it just adds a different dimension to who we are.. which is pretty wonderful really.. c
I appreciate your post as I too will be alone on Christmas this year. My family is too spread out and schedules just couldn’t be worked around since most of them are in the medical field. Luckily, we made a big to-do for Thanksgiving and that was good. Plus, I’ll be moving into a new condo over the Christmas weekend, so I’m hoping that will keep me busy!
Moving at Christmas! How exciting. that is a pretty big Christmas pressie to yourself. You WILL be busy! You won’t mind being alone at all, you will be flat out redecorating your new space.. I hated moving out of the old places but I always LOVED moving into the new ones.. have fun.. c
So thought provoking C. Where to start? Where to end? I know for some it is an exceptionally hard time to be alone, to be away, or to feel left out, and I think of those people.
This year we’ll be skiing – the slopes are empty on THE day (the way I like it), but previous years have seen me on local buses and trains in India, on Thai beaches, being adopted by friends, or in bed with a box of chocs and a tea pot for company. All good in their own way. But the best is when I escape in November and return in January – you miss the fuss and the hype, the ****** songs in shops, the dreaded office party. Yup Bah Humbug! Mind you I’m a sucker for a real tree….. Oh and I well remember my London days, emerging on Boxing Day to party with friends, great happy times. Just don’t get me started on New Year……. !
Another fabulous post my dear
You have it sussed. Often I FLY on christmas day.. no-one wants to fly on christmas day.. what a great idea to ski on that day.. you really will have a good time.. c
I think the spirit of Christmas is just that, all about the spirit and not necessarily about what we are told it should be. If you nurture your own spirit on the day, and also allow those you love to do the same, then it’s a special day regardless of any trappings. A lovely post and thanks for sharing it.
And it case this didn’t come across the way I intended, I’m applauding how you deal with a holiday that’s so difficult for you (in nurturing your own spirit on that day) and in how you’ve encouraged your kids, and others, to celebrate. I haven’t spent a Christmas alone yet but know I will some day. My husband and I will be with my mom this year and we are grateful to have her as she’s our only family left.
A very personal and touching post. Some feelings are always a part of us even though our circumstances may change. It is always just the two of us at Christmas since we moved to New England. We have enjoyed our last few Christmas seasons in Austria. The people at the hotel have such lovely traditions and have always included us. They ask me to read the story of Christmas from the Bible in English after they have read it in German. It is like being part of a very large family. This year it will be just the two of us…but I will treasure the day none the less.
reading from the bible at christmas in austria has an unbearably poignant christmas spirit to it. how beautiful that must have been, what a memory.. c