My photos started out well yesterday. I had this big plan for colour and light.
I made a classy shot of the air hose from the pump drying out by the fire. When cold (air) hits heat (steam from hot milk) we get condensation in the lines. Which results in water in the pump (bad). 
Then the Kiwi Builder working out in the snow flurries.
Yes, I know these snow flurries are hard to see. But we have had so little snow this season, that a thick flurry made me all giddy with excitement.
Then I did one of those astounding quick changes from the blimp in many layers to svelte like lady about town out to get her blood drawn. (laugh) This process, not the quick change the blood letting, should only have taken an hour. Plenty of time for more artsy images later I thought.
Anyway I arrived at the duly appointed hour, the blood gathering was in the gym at the local high school and the blood letters were short staffed, every step took a terribly long time – much to my delight because I was reading Wolf Hall (still working my way down our reading list). I have big fat veins, excellent blood pressure and tons of iron. Good girl, the ladies in the white coats said. You make our job easy. I smiled gracefully and turned a page.
Later I was directed to a table with a whole bevy of high school student hand maidens whose job it was to make sure that I ate and drank something and did not faint where I sat or leave too early and faint in the car park (like I am the fainting type!) whereas in fact they seemed to be doing an awful lot of eating and drinking themselves and we got to talking about the Shush Sisters. As you would!
Well lo and behold I discovered a beautiful young high school senior who is perfectly capable of Artificially Inseminating (AI) Charlotte, she will assist with any birthing problems, do all the icky castrating and ear piercing and lives on the ridge 5 minutes from our house! She told me where I could get all the necessaries and will pop in later in the week to have a look at the pigs. Her mother is the Ag teacher! Plus, bless her, she can understand every word I say! I told her I need her to mentor me through the whole process and how do I know when the pig is in heat, how long does the semen last, do I need to buy straws? Papettes, she said, as she laid her hand across her mouth so as not to laugh too loud, leaning back and refolding her long legs. “I am serious”, I said. “I need to learn all this stuff. You are going to be my teacher. And I will pay you.”
Oh no, she shook her head. “It is better” I said. “You deserve to be paid for a job. And then I can ask you to do it again, if it doesn’t work the first time.”
“I would much prefer a virgin birth, just as long as I get my babies” I raised my voice as I looked up, nodding Hullo to the Principal as he stumbled past, shaggy eyebrows raised. Eye contact slurring to the right. “And I will pay you to do the castrating too, girls probably do a much better job of that I would say” I watched his back straighten. My own hand to my own mouth this time. We all silently giggled as he shot out of the gym and down the hall.
I turned back to the growing crowd of students.
‘Could you pass me another cupcake, please?’ I said. They passed me two, and loaded their plates with the rest, looking at each other with clear dancing eyes.
So there we are, we don’t have to separate Charlotte from Sheila and load her into the trailer and take her over to see a nasty bad tempered boar with no time for niceties and probably bad breath. We have a girl for that now!
Another word for ‘inexplicably demoted’ is Plutoed. Because that is what they did to Pluto. They demoted that poor unsuspecting planet. So I will have to call the swine herd and tell him he has been Plutoed. He won’t mind as long as I come to visit once in a while. I will take my girl.
So our first task is to work out when Charlotte is in heat. More to learn. Excellent.
Good morning darlings. I got home by 4 O’clock. Just in time to rip all my tidy clothes off, relayer my body in teenage boys hand me downs, the clown suit, thermal boots, wooly hat and two pairs of gloves and launch out into the afternoon to do the chores.
It was dead calm all day yesterday. Still below freezing but not even terribly cold. A good day. Today is going to be a wee bit warmer, the sunrise is a little earlier and the sunset a little later. Things are looking up. We are looking up. All of us. You too. We may hit the gutter sometimes but we never stop looking up to the stars. The stars are beautiful way out here.
Have a lovely day.
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
62 responses to “The swine herd gets inexplicably demoted”
if a woman can do a man’s job…all the better! good for the piggies too. i am so disappointed that our big storm never materialized. we are due for about 3 inches. there is still plenty of winter left so i can still hope!
I am right there hoping with you! c
Hope it works out better than the AI on our goatie girls!
I wish I’d been a fly on the wall listening to your delicious discussion with the girls about virgin berth and castration! with the principle coming by…. and Celi looking guileless!
I’d love to give blood, but they won’t take mine any more, since I had hepatitis twice.
As you say, it’s a wonderful way to give to charity!
Good luck with the soon to be embryonic piglets….
It is true, my eyes widen with innocence. i practice! c
Only you can make donating blood seem fun! I dread it and only do it if it’s absolutely necessary. Luckily I have a very common blood type so no one is missing out on much. Tony’s blood is rare, but now they won’t let him donate because he lived in Europe during such and such a date. Weird?
Anyway, I’m so happy there won’t be a boar! That would be traumatic for all of us! 😉
I was definitely putting off the boar, but now I have to get even more in tune with the pigs and the ordering of the test tube! There is a timing issue here I have not quite worked out! cc
Oh Celi, your parting words are lovely. ❤ And I'm sure the high school principal has heard it all, though that was a funny conversation to hear in passing.
you never know what you will find at the Blood Donation Store…well worth the visit ( in two ways) and I am sure that Charlote will apprecaite all the help that she can get
Those are wonderful news for Charlotte! 🙂
See, ASK and it shall be given! YIPPEEE! Now you have a lovely teacher, the kids have a lovely exotic new friend, they also have a adult who is very interested in agriculture, dresses smart and also does her own work. What a cool role model you are! Two Thumbs up, my friend! Two Thumbs up!!!
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
http://deltacountyhistoricalsociety.wordpress.com
You crack me up, c, I bet you emphasized the “castrate” word for good effect! Isn’t it funny how we meet the people we need to meet.. at just the right moment? xx
Brilliant Cinders, just brilliant!! What goes around, comes around aye?? 🙂
A great chance encounter. And all because you are giving so generously of your life-s blood. Having had several transfusions in my time, I thank you from the bottom of my (dodgy) heart.
A brilliant and funny post! Am I being dim, but what are papettes (or is it really, really rude?!). Used to give blood all the time in the UK but they don´t want it in Spain as I lived in the UK during the Mad Cow disease outbreak. Big Man still “moos” at me occasionally 😉
Oh that is too awful.. we were asked a question about that too, but just dates I did not realise the significance until now, that would cut out an awful lot of people! c
I am officially a Mad Cow!
Moo!! (Big Man made me do it!! ) c
You do have a wicked sense of humour Celi. The principal will probably cover his important parts when he meets you again. Brilliant that the Shush sisters won’t be separated and there won’t be any blind dates in the future. I am also reading Wolf Hal. Why am I not surprised! Keep warm. XXOO
Wow, I am really enjoying the language in Wolf Hall and if we don’t meet in this life iIwill be very much surprised, we will probably walk into the same cafe, carrying the same book, with matching scarves and socks or something! c
Having spent 20 years with 4-H and FFA kids, it doesn’t surprise me that a teenaged girl can do all this. These are two programs we need to support to make sure we don’t all turn into a bunch of suburbanites who have no practical knowledge. Good luck with your project.
The local FFA kids are great and they have a super motivated teacher.. c
What a great day! It wasn’t too cold, and you spent it with clever teenagers who are coming to help. You might need to start baking cupcakes, Celi! 🙂
i have never made a decent cupcake in my life, I carefully followed one of Tandy’s recipes the other day and even they would not behave for me! c
Brownies, then? 🙂 You know you’ve got to feed teenagers, Celi.. 😀