Do you form whole sentences in your mind as you go about your day.
An essay that runs through your head in a gentle voice as you form and reform commentary. Not like hearing voices. This voice is your own voice, searching for just the right word with just the right sound. A running dialogue as though there is a friend next to you who listens and nods. Yes, yes. I know. And you want to get it just right so they understand.
Do you frame and reframe pictures thinking why did you leave Camera House inside. Taking pictures with your minds shutter. Click. Reframe, tighten, click. Zoom. Tuck. Adjust. Wish I had my camera! Oh I know you all do that!
Do you have a soundtrack that plays in the basement of your mind, often just out of earshot like the whine of a mosquito in the next room but sometimes it escapes through the smudged door of your lips as a hum, and other times as a verse of a song and other times is finished with a shout of “Get behind you useless excuse of a dog! Good Boy Ton Ton. Good boy. Sit Boo Boo …SIT!
I hope it is not only me who does these things.
Do you imagine meeting people you have not seen for years, maybe they are even dead already and then you have ordinary little conversations with them about cabbages or planting trees or cakes or how you both despise pink icing, but there are no sounds only smiles on your lips that someone else may interpret as happiness but really they are just smiles.
Do you look at the sky and see the vapor trails of planes flying so high you cannot hear the engines. Carrying all those little people and all their important dreams and they do not know that you are watching the vapor tail of their plane and you wish that soon it will be you going home. But home is a vapor trail. Nebulous in its whimsical sandcastle construction. Home is not where the heart is, home is where the child was.
Do you ever think what the hell am I going to make for tea tonight. It feels like every single day of my life since I was 15 I have had to decide what to have for dinner, plan it, time it so it is all hot and cooked at the same time and on the table for dinner when someone else wants it. Because I don’t. And then clean up after it. Of course I have not had to cook every night but sometimes it FEELS like it. It is not the cooking that bothers me it is the deciding WHAT to cook. Do you ever think to yourself, if I have to do this one more time I am carting myself off the loony bin. i will make the call. I will wrap myself in the straight jacket. At least they give you four square meals a day there and then you wonder why they are called ‘square’ how can a meal be square. Does it come on a square plate? Is the food arranged in a square? Why four? Are you mad already?
Then you think something else but it is so fleeting that it is gone before you can take a mental note but who reads mental notes anyway. They perch yellowly, stuck to the walls of your brain, fluttering just out of reach. On the tip of your tongue like litmus. And then do you think I better not be thinking idle thoughts, that would be a terrible waste of time. The devil makes work for idle hands and idle thoughts seem like a natural extension.
And you try again to think about what to make for dinner and end up making an apple pie because you have apples. And since the oven is on you make some bread as well.
Do you ever think like that or is it just me. Do you ever wonder, like I do, why my food shots just look like food. They have none of the sharp moody charisma of the real food shots.
Do you ever think about a person then wonder if they are thinking about you?
Do you ever wonder why the males of the species in the animal and bird kingdoms are the most flamboyant and colourful but not in the human kingdom.
Do you ever think in words. Do you dream in colour. I dreamed once that a man gave me a gate. A big wide farm gate. This is an old dream. I walked down a pot holey country road in my city and short skirt carrying a wide green heavy gate. Though in the dream it felt more unwieldy than heavy. 
Askance. That is the word that accompanies your look. You look at me askance, but you see – it is OK not to get it right all the time. It is OK to sit down and think what am I doing. Am I doing it right. Can I do it better. Do I need to bother. It is OK to say – what do you think? It is!
Are you sometimes very tired as the autumn approaches. The time for moving animals off to the abbatoir, the weight of the choices that are mine. Their eyes sit in my eyes. We blink. The time for closing the gardens and windows. Ticking down into our hibernations. Our caves full of wine and tomatoes. The time for counting your stores and laying in the layers, hoping there is enough.
Do you sometimes wish you could undo life’s silver Thought Domes, guiltily clicking the snaps apart with deft fingers, and slide the thinking off for a minute and lay it folded neatly on the chair to breathe on its own for a wee while and then you step out of your thoughts so you can be the light again, just for a moment. In the moment. Just for a moment.
Good morning.
I hope you have a lovely day. I do.
your friend on the farm, celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
133 responses to “Do you ever think in words?”
I dunno Cecelia.
That apple pie shot looks pretty good to me…..and the dough on the table looks…..pretty good to me too (nothing’s worse than over garnished, perfectly arranged food photos. I like a little natural messiness….call it ‘a la naturale’).
Sounds to me like you need a little break from the everyday routine.
Morning vicki, I delight in my everyday routine but yes sometimes we need to slow down and wonder a bit too, have a lovely day.. c
Wow! That is food for thought! Not meaning to spout cliche! I think in words constantly! I have a running dialog speeding along even in my sleep! It never stops…just runs and skips along sometimes pausing for a pondering…then off again! LOL I never felt crazy. Just aborbed in the intrigue with the ability to wander off in so many directions and back up and erase the words I am not happy with that comprise thoughts of sadness and worry! We may be more concerned with our looks than the animals…preening and strutting in our finery…but the gentle beauty of the less arrayed is eye catching in a humble, soft, and gentleness that is preferable and beauty in itself. Don’t you agree? 😀
Oh I do agree.. c
absorbed….oopsie! there I go again…backing up and erasing! 😉
Ah yes, that is exactly it. Sometimes we get so absorbed in ourselves we forget to wonder how others are coping with the same feelings..I hope you have a lovely day.. c
You too!!! 😀 Glad to have met you! You make me smile!
Well I’ll be blessed…. you have days like that as well… where you have to write the things of which we probably all wonder… a philosophical day, a day of pondering the imponderable.. the days of what the hell is going on in my head.. those days when the voices seem to be so much louder, those when you actually have that conversation with yourself, even answering out loud… and here I am not wanting to tell anyone in case they think the old man has lost his marbles, and you go and put it on paper, or screen, or post it…. for all to see… now I either feel better as I’m not alone, or I wonder, are there just the two of us and I must continue to keep it to myself and we both end in the funny farm??? Hmmmm all of this now to ponder and where shall my answer come from… maybe not the farmy… (loved this post)
And imagine what our pups think about it all!!!! LOL If there is such a thing as reincarnation…I would like to come back as my pup! She was loved beyong words. 😉
darn trigger finger! beyond! LOL
Not sure about your trigger finger but maybe you enter button is stuck…
Thank you Bulldog darling man, what a fantastic message for me. There you are then, if we both end up in the loony bin together we will know what the other is thinking!! Lovely that you feel this way too, so heartening.. take good care.. c
Now your ponderings have made me write this poem about you… damn you and your thoughts…
Do you stand in the morn in anticipation?
Ready to greet the dawn with appreciation,
That another day is about to start,
And fill you with a grinning heart.
Do you watch the dog who sits and stares?
And wonder why he has that glare,
Or the bird that looks like its in danger,
From you that is but a stranger.
Do you listen to the voice in your head?
Instead of returning to your bed,
To lie and rest before the day of toil,
Or to bounce your partner’s dream to spoil.
Do you start the day with a song in your heart?
Or with thoughts of what today you’ll impart,
Of intelligence and creation your blog to post,
Of the things your followers like most.
Does your day start on Cecila’s farm?
With chores as long as your forearm,
With cows to milk and chickens to feed,
All of which her do so need.
Maybe to cut the green new grass,
And store it for the winter, not past,
But rather for that one to come,
And the day isn’t over till it is done.
To move the small porkers,
That have become real corkers,
With antics that keep the dogs awake,
Looking steadily, hoping for them to make a mistake.
Or to move the sheep from one small field,
To allow more grass to grow and yield,
Or the small hoekoes mobile shed,
That needs moving instead.
What of the bottles of preserves,
That her attention does deserve,
Or to discover that special bottle of peach brandy,
That in a time of despair can become quite handy.
The fields of corn,
That in the morn,
Do make that special time of day,
Sing in her heart like the song of a Blue Jay.
Oh.. Oh.. that simply magnificent.. to write a poem for me. How wonderful you are . you have quite made my day.. thank you.. Now off I go to move the hoekoes who will NEVER stay in the field where they are put. I do sing in my heart too.. bless.. c
Wonderful poem Bulldog! And our Celi certainly deserves wonderful things….as we all do!!!
Thank you.. she is such an inspiration as to what she gets through in a day.. and I’m not a poet, but somehow this just seemed to write itself…
What a sweet poem, a day in the life of Celi. 🙂
Thank you so much… I admire her work ethics and tenacity to take on anything… this wrote itself, I’m no poet, but she is inspirational…
I am a little uncomfortable that you have been inside my head and know how I think. I’m not sure what to do about that.
I sometimes intentionally leave my camera behind, but I cannot help framing shot after shot, changing angles to get the light and background just right.
Sometimes the weight of difficult decisions feels like an unfair burden. You are making the right decision. The animals are living out their purpose, and they are living it well.
Your heart is aching. It’s heavy. Farming is not an easy life sometimes. My hubby used to thin out the barn cats. I wondered how this kind, gentle and generous man could do such a thing that was so against the grain for me. I asked him how he could do it. He got the saddest look in his eyes. He told me that he hated doing it. This is the way it was done on the farm. Thinning out the weak and sick. I saw that it hurt him deeply. Now we have six barn cats all neutered! All have their wellness exams and rabies shots and are fat and sassy, with a heated house in the barn! One problem solved. This is a way of life that is not always kind. But everyone eats…everyone is cared for…and when the time comes…everyone dies in the most merciful way possible. (((Ceci))) Feel the hugs? 🙂
Just like you to get to the heart of the matter Cliche darling. It is so weighty though. I feed them and care for them all by myself then i arrange their transport all by myself and carry the packages to the freezers and people doors afterwards all by myself. It does feel heavy at this time of year when everyone to too busy elsewhere. I do understand absolutely the rational side of it and I have chosen to be the grower of the food so i think that sometimes it is OK to allow the weight to rise if you like. Makes me human.. have a lovely day with your beautiful turtles,. c
I think it speaks volumes that it DOES rise in you. That’s why I appreciate you and your blog so much. You respect each and every animal.
The mental image of you carrying the packages to the door haunts me. My heart hurts for you. I wish I could help you carry the weight at least a little.
So astute “becoming chiche”. You must have lived the life. 🙂
Absolutely, glad it’s not just me! Hope you’re taking a little time to slow down though celi. Only thing I don’t agree with is that for me, home is where the heart is – even if it’s building site of a house or two days in the car travelling hopefully. It’s where I am now…and then…
This is good, you have brought your inner child with you. Somehow mine got left at the beach. I keep wanting to go back. I am so glad you think like this too! See how alike we all are! c
Never thought of it like that but I know you’re right!
I miss the beach too. Grew up in New England and spent my childhood on the saltwater. Now I am landlocked. Ocean or my sweetheart…hmmmm…definitely my sweetheart! But I do miss the moist salt air and the gulls screeching! 😀
Yes, and yes, and most certainly, and yes again. I rarely fuss over what to fix for dinner. I cook what strikes me as interesting and palatable on the moment. And goodness help me but I’m in a constant dialog with myself, rhyming prose mostly, metered, and a great deal of it I forget before I can find a pen … much as I watch clouds come and go and disappear into blue-trapped vapour. I don’t know if I dream in colour but I do dream poetry and flash fiction, wake and have to write it down. I often can’t read my writing in the morning, and then think “You numpty – what are playing at, girl?” But mostly, c, I’ve thinking a lot this week. I turned 62 yesterday. A cousin died in her sleep the day before; she was 62. Natural causes. She went to sleep and didn’t wake. Two parents died in the past 11-months, all of my children have moved to different continents … and I’m thinking that I shouldn’t waste wishes on silence. Silent wishes are never heard and never effect/affect anyone. If you blow out birthday candles, shout out for all to hear what your wishes are. Which is why I bought an iMac the other day. Always wanted one; stop wishing for one, I thought, and just buy the bloomin’ thing. And so I did.
Good morning, c.
Wow, good for you, that will be a learning curve! But you will love it. Is it cmall and light?
I have a trick for writing in the night. I have a small notebook and i leave it open to the blank page every night. Then if something occurs to me I reach down and write the sentence, for every new sentence I turn a page, that way I don’t write words on top of each other. It works! You are on a new page with your life too, I have watched you go through a lot, even the house on top of it all. Happy Birthday! 62 is a very grown up age. I wish you wonderful words!.. c
And I wish you a joyous life and much love from all who know you.
An iMac is an “all-in-one” whatsit with all the mechanical doohickies somewhere in the big screen. I’m having fun learning new things, and there’s certainly a lot to learn with a Mac. Re night-writing: I keep a notebook and pencil beside the bed, but I can’t read my writing in the morning. It’s as if some vagabond drunkard wrote it who happened to be passing by while I slept.
damn vagabonds! they have a lot to answer for.. in fact i was wishing for one the other day, he could sleep in the barn, and do odd jobs, god knows i have plenty of odd jobs! c
Happy Birthday Misky!!! Here’s a B’Day song for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hyJsoPosCE Cached
Thank you! What a lovely version of the birthday song. I’m really touched. 🙂
I like your baking rituals; today was a winding down day I must remember to pick myself back up for Monday. Its almost Sunday, enjoy your Saturday it was very good.
Have a grand study week, you have lots to get through.. so you need a gentle sunday.. c
morning Celi ; you have the brain of someone way smarter than me writing must come to you like breathing does to most people . i had a little trouble following some of it 🙂 as i am a guy 🙂 but the what to fix for dinner i can relate to . be a blessing mike
Morning Mike, hope that knee is feeling better.. c
hey C nope it is getting an MRI on the 15 of OCT to see if the knee needs surgery .
Not everyone is able to put their thought into words that they think are worthy…but the heart knows them and feels them. Intelligence comes in many forms! I personally think that deciding what to make for dinner is fun and takes great creativity! Especially when that chicken is sitting in it’s naked glory on the counter wondering what comes next! LOL
I am certainly looking forward to some chicken.. morning mere.. c
Yes and yes and yes and yes, Specially the “what to cook for supper” one, which I loathe. But I’m having a semi-rest from that for the first time in my adult life, as Jock is doing the cooking. But he still asks what I want, and then I have to tell him how to do it! Bought veal papillotes in a (home-made before injury) pepper sauce tonight.
Enjoy your weekend..
Papillotes – I shall look that up, the pepper sauce sounds interesting too.. With Jock’s attention to detail (shown in his art) I imagine you are being very well fed.. thank him for me.. c
Celi, today I’m taking away a quote from you. “Home is not where the heart is, home is where the child was.” This is one of those bone true statements, at least for me. I always say I’m going home, when I go to see my mother. I wish I had time during the day to think as you described (I do know of what you write). I must think all day about my job and so my thinking isn’t allowed to ramble as much as I’d like. It is that rambling thinking that allows for creativity. When I have two or three days to myself, my thinking takes on this quality. Beautiful write today, Celi. Enjoy your day.
You are very lucky to have a job that demands your focus, it.. is almost a form of relaxation to be able to turn the minds voice off and get to the job at hand. This is how it is when i read.. mostly.. if it is a good book!!! c
No, it’s not just you! What to make for food everyday is a hassle I go through daily. When a finicky eater is part of the equation, it’s often almost impossible. Arrgh!
John’s son is a vegetarian, a fussy vegetarian to boot, and his daughter decided to be a vegan, so i do know about finicky eaters, it makes life hard for an old fashioned cook. Now it is just he and I and he is so tired at the end of his day that he honestly does not care what he is fed.. c
Being tired and hungry are the best appetite catalysts ever 🙂
absolutely! works for me!!.. c
Yes to most of those thoughts I think, apart from the home one. For me it’s where the heart is. As for your food shots, I could reach out and eat them all so you must be doing something right!
Christine
Your package has come Christine! And he is beautiful. i am going to take him in to be framed and then i will wrap him for John’s birthday next month. What fantastic timing too! He will be so impressed.. Thank you so much for that! c
That’s great! I checked the tracking thingie this morning and it said that it had been delivered. I was going to check with you if it was true or whether I was going to have to get assertive at the post office!!! I hope that John likes it.
Christine
oh, you are not the only one! and your food shots look amazing. “…home is where the child was..” so true… but then also every place i lived in is home.
You are another traveller too Cat, who lives far away from where you were born. I am glad that you keep your home close to your heart .. that is good.. c