Travelling back from Portland to Chicago I found myself in a melancholy mood. My voice packed away with my makeup. My city face dissolving back into relief. Dragging my bag like a heavy weary dog with leaden feet on a short leash. Bumping at my ankles – shambling along behind me. I loved standing in front of a crowd again, being entertaining, succeeding, hearing the applause and feeling those smiles and nods and the laughter. I realised how much I have missed that world. I loved the applause. Everyone needs applause.
I especially thrilled at walking through a sleepy Sunday morning Portland the sun shining, so much green it hurt my eyes, hearing people singing, walking dogs, eating street food. I love morning cities.
But I also longed to be back in my own safe other world back here on the farm where I belong.
Are we all two people? Changing the props and our costumes, adjusting the score. I realised that working with animals draws me in, into a solitary world of silence and smiles. Gentler smiles. Always listening and watching and smelling. Air expelled in small audible sighs of satisfaction. Completely unseen.
Hair and colours absolutely unnecessary in a world of animals. Just those smells and sounds. That constant checking for harm or alarm. With animals we walk gently. Softening any clipped movements into seamless gentle changes. We are careful not to jar or clash. When an animal slumbers we let her sleep. When a pig is running we slow down so they slow and do not do themselves harm. Keeping a clumsy cows environment safe and planned.
But this world of people is so noisy. So loud and colourful. The emotional jostling and and jimmying for the lead. Positioning and watching. This need to be seen and noted. To stand out. To speak to the right people and be animated and interesting and commanding of attention. The loud laughs these people have. The drop in the pit of your stomach when you realise that the Big Fish have no interest in you at all. That terrible cafeteria pause of where will you sit and at what table at dinner because you have no posse and wish you had a pig or dog with you to make you real again. Your slightly panicked feeling like a huge forehead pimple. Trying to quickly pick up your dropped poise but it is in pieces from the sheer noise of such a gathering. And no-one notices anyway. Yet the searching gaze that others have, like they have secrets. Some want to take a finger of yours and put it in their book of pockets, put a pick into your brain. Others as gentle and kind as spring. Patting your scared cat of a face back into place. 
I fly home passing over rivers and mountains watching the green bleed from the land until once more we fly into the sepia landscape of Illinois. Dormant under us. Does a farmer look up at my plane as I steadily roar overhead. On course.
As we fly I think of the things I have learned. That the people who run WordPress are young and alive and passionate about where they are and what they are doing. How they volunteer their time to come out and teach us at conferences like these. How they grabbed at my pages of typed out requests and questions about the new Post Page with glee. They love feed back. They want this to work. They encourage our success. They lean forward to every question and use kindness in their responses.
I think of The range of ages and the variety of people who attended. Some hand in hand. Some carrying bags and laptops. String bags. Canvas bags. Fancy laptop bags. Worn out handbags. Some watchful like me and some networking and darting about. Some beautifully dressed and others in worn cardigans and comfy jeans. Happy that you are there. The ordinary bloggers who are searching to do better.
How bloggers are forging a new kind of language and new kind of communication. How it is morphing. How much of our blogging now is truthful and real. Not for money or gain. But as the very true expression of the art we all carry in ourselves. How age and looks and weight and health and popularity are all adjusted to a level field in the blogging world. how ultimately many of us are just as happy alone in front of our keyboards.
I thought about the wonder many people felt when they heard about The Fellowship about how you guys support me and each other. How when I am out doing chores you sometimes even talk amongst yourselves until I come in for my coffee time with you. How we break every rule. And how we prove them. How we really are an unusual and quite incredible gathering of souls. How did we find each other. How lucky we are to have done so.
I think about my talk and wish I could do it again. Wished I could have done it again on that day.
And do to our daily Good Morning. For, now, it is morning again. Still dark outside but I am Back out on the prairies. It is Below Freezing. But my body clock is muddled again from the different time zones and my belly aches from unfamiliar (though incredibly good) food. The mix of relief and longing settling back through my digestive tract.
I watched the mountains pass and wondered about my own mountains and goals. The immediate one being to feed those baby goats and touch and check every single animal on our farm today. Coming home. Bringing you with me.
I met a lady on the plane whose daughter loves pigs so I showed her Timatanga Moana and with delight we began to make plans for her to bring her daughters to the farm for a visit. Isn’t that lovely. Even on the plane I found kindness and kindred spirits.
Soon I will get up and shiver my way into my farming clothes and begin again. This wonderful farming life I have.
I hope you all have a lovely day, thank you for coming along on yet another journey with me.
Love celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
81 responses to “Back to the Country”
I think this is one of the most beautiful, soul-connecting posts I’ve read in a long time. Yes, I do think we all have at least two versions of ourselves inside. And until we find the truest place for expression, we make due with whichever version seems best. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with the world C. You make it a far better place to be. Can’t wait to watch your talk. Please do post when it’s available.
This.
I love your words. I love your thoughts, I love your pictures…can I say ‘I love you’ ? not in a silly slushy way, not in a stalker kind of way…but in a Farmy Fellowship kind a way. thank you for giving so much pleasure to so many people
This.
Ask again which is my favorite post.
I think that I vote “this one!”.
Soon, your world will be green and the sounds that are Spring’s song will serenade you and applaud your efforts to care for creatures great and small.
And this.
One thing the Automattic Techs did teach me was to encourage you to Share posts that you enjoy, to FB or Twitter or Pinterest This is one change we need to embrace. Getting each others work out there onto the platforms. I am going to make sure I do heaps of sharing in future. Plus remember that if you like an image on my pages just take it – no need to ask- and share that too (if only with your bathroom wall) .. It is sunny here this morning! and warming up! Might even get out of my clown suit!.. c
Once again Celia, you show us what a poet you are. Life is your art form. We all do better, I think, by reaching and withdrawing, reaching and withdrawing from various aspects of our life and experience. How nice to have a home to come home to, to center once again, to keep established the love parts of our lives – husband, critters, growing places like gardens and farms. Welcome home!
You amaze me Celi! I am one of the “behind the scenes” followers. I was quite disappointed that attempts to view the streaming of the Portland event were not realized. Please let us know when it is available. Welcome home!
First, congratulations!! Second.. I’m sure there will be more of these speaking engagements where this came from:) We dreamers want the best of all worlds.. nature, downtown streetscapes.. I think because we can find the beautiful in it all. Love that you were able to do this! xx
I am not sure what is happening this morning, but Miss C you have made me cry. Yours is the second blog read so far today, and both follow a theme of past lives and choices, new beginnings and adventures, and many blips along the way to becoming who and what we are both in life and as bloggers/creators/voices. I have been on a blogging break, only reading but not writing for a bit now…searching for something that I thought I might find within myself. I don’t know precisely how much, if anything, I have discovered but it is becoming clear that perhaps I just need to allow the road to take me on a journey and listen to the voices of those who surround me. This wisdom, shared by so many from both far and near is extraordinary.
Oh Crikey – this too
I am clapping. Loud. Standing. An ovation. For you, dear, Miss C.
I don’t know why but i seem to have lost my icon and my post to you has come out as anonymous it should be a drawing of a jack russell
Very sweetly you are being named Someone. At least the interwebs are not calling you Anyone.
That’s true! And I have just figured out how to get it back x
there you are!.. c
Perfect description of the different feelings of the country and the city. I am challenged by visits to big cities, so much happening so fast, so many people. Challenges are good though, and I am always so glad to get back to the quiet of the farm. Thank you Celi, for this post and for bringing us all together.
So happy that I am enjoying your blog again. I am a neighbor and friend of your co-new goat owner. Originally from downtown Chicago so when I moved out here 30 years ago, to a small farm, I was in shock. Had 5 acres, horses, a cow, birds and many dogs. At first it was a striking change from living in the city and working in the Loop, but I fell in love. Now I live in a very very small town, but with enough property for my husband to grow lots of food and I have a wonderful flow garden. Hope to meet you soon.
Sunny! How wonderful. I would love you to pop over and have a coffee with the animals and I one morning.
can’t wait. anxious to check on your new goats and really want to see your space. Will have our friend bring me over one week-end morning so I can find my way there. Directions out here are so informal and I still get lost after 30 years here.
Seriously! Only and American over 50 years old will get this and laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzT1kO_-xbQ
this is what drew me to central Illinois
Oh my! So a propos of todays Celia’s great post! Brilliant really (both of you, actually). I used to watch this series such a long time ago, it was one of my Dad’s favourite, it was so nice to remember.Thank you
Glad it went so well….must be good to be home:)
Yeah, you’re back! I can remember being on stage and social and talky talky with people. Now, I’m calm with the animals and family. We get social bursts with our customers when they pick up their beef each week ( or we deliver ) and the day after, I am exhausted! More exhausted than when we have long, physical labor days. My cheeks hurt form giggling too much.
You are a star..a giggling star.. c