From A little Mermaid

Because there has been so much more rain. I feel like I am swimming through the days. Yesterday it simply poured almost all day. Again.

The rain carried dread with it. We wish for rain, but too much of anything carries its own punishment.

I thought of mermaids as we sloshed through huge murky puddles feeding the drenched birds in the fields. They all have covers but the ground is waterlogged.

I loved the idea of being a mermaid as a child until we read that terrible story of The Little Mermaid. How her tongue was cut out and and she had to dance to entertain the man she loved, but every step was like knives.  Knives are a strong symbol in this story. I saw the ballet as a child and the elegance of the girl, her beauty in pain, giving up the sea and her sisters for an ungrateful prince who only loved her for her face and never knew her thoughts or words or where she came from or who she was then casually sauntered off and married someone else anyway – well it was all pretty powerful stuff. Shocking really. But people are complicated creatures. It is a beautiful and terrible story – just like life.

I think when old Hans wrote that one he must have been in a fiercely bad mood.  I always thought that He hated mothers and pretty much had no respect for women in love. After The Little Mermaid,  as a child, I determined never to love anyone that much. I would never lose my tongue for someone.  I would never dance on knives for someone. And I would never leave my family or lose the sea for someone. I guess he got his lesson across. Though i am sure that was not his intention.

But yesterday as I slogged through this destructive weather falling in the guise of good clean water, I realised that at one time or other in my life  I had done all of these things.  And I wonder if I have done these things for myself or for someone else.  Selfish or selfless. Which is worse.  As women we must hold to the line. Be strong, decent and kind. And the best person we can be. It is so hard to actually know what it is that we really need and who we really are. But  mute beauty quickly loses its appeal.

Today Allison and Kim leave.  Their visits feel like they have been so short. Yesterday due to this endless run of wet weather (that is turning colder now) we reworked Poppy’s present pen into a farrowing space.  She cannot farrow outside in this, the fields are lakes and more rain is on the way. So we worked Fast. I have learned all those hard lessons from Charlotte and I think this one will be as good as I can make it without putting her in a farrowing cage. Hopefully the little piglets have plenty of spaces to hide from her hooves and a lovely safe sleeping space under a warm light in a warm space made of bales of hay through the wall.

The cows are mooing. The rain seems to have stopped for the moment and I can hear Kim and Allison racing through their chores before they leave for the big city. John is working Saturdays again, so now I am back to being alone all day for the first time since Fede came. I do not mind being alone, not at all. But it will be a radical change.

My next farm visitor is a physics teacher who comes on the 6th of July. So we have a gap to get Poppy through her farrowing with only me as company. I left this time free of people on purpose. Poppy needs absolute quiet. She is an excitable pig. I am not sure how she will be as a mother – we will see.

I hope you all have a good day. Remember no cutting out of your tongue and no dancing on knives. Not for anyone.

Off I go into the mire.

Love,

celi