Yes, I am an Immigrant. 
An expat- which is just a nicer word for an immigrant who still retains the passport of her birth country.
‘An expatriate (often shortened to expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing, as an immigrant, in a country other than that of their citizenship. The word comes from the Latin terms ex (“out of”) and patria (“country, fatherland”).’
The land of my mother and father.
Where I was born.
There are times, living here in America with a green card, as an immigrant, that I don’t feel that I belong here. I just want to go home. Such a child-like response to a fright.
Many immigrants feel this way. We all carry a sadness within us, almost a feeling of failure that we could not thrive in our own countries, we had to leave to grow.
We are in America trying to fit in, with our green cards clutched in our hot little hands and trying to keep our mouths shut. To look grateful and unthreatening.
To get a green card is a long, arduous and expensive process. It takes years, just the background checks, police checks, etc., took a solid eighteen months for me just to be cleared, then on to the next step. And I come from a country that is not at war so the records are easy to find and they are in English. And don’t forget that the person applying for the permanent residency pays good money every step of the way. This is not a poor mans lark.
I talked to a lady yesterday who was shocked that is was hard to get. Oh, she said, I thought that when you married an American you were automatically an American citizen. She did not mean to be rude she was just interested in whether I was a citizen or not. But no. Not at all. Where on earth did you get that idea from? I asked. Who told you it was easy? You have to apply and beg to be admitted and every expensive step underscores that no-one wants you here at all! Marrying helps though.
Ten years ago, I married John, an American citizen who I have known since I was seventeen, but marrying him did not guarantee residency, not at all, I was put through a series of harrowing interviews and a war of paper and applications and lawyers visits. Two years later I had my green card.
But I still hold a New Zealand passport.
It is the law that I must carry my green card on me at all times as proof that I am allowed to be out on the street in America.
Once approved, the green card only lasts for ten years.
It was easier for me though. I am an English speaking woman from a peaceful country and I have a long accessible paper trail of education and work history and I am married to an American. And we had the money to pay for me to apply for permanent residency. I am not the daughter of an undocumented Mexican woman or a Syrian doctor or a small Muslim girl in school or a young Algerian man with nothing but dreams or an Argentinian rugby player. How much harder is life for these people. The good honest ones – not the ones with bad intent – the ordinary immigrants like me.
So many people are being threatened with deportation now from the place they were born in or desperately want to work in, yet I am only here by chance. It seems all wrong to me. What is the word I am struggling for – guilt? I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I am a happy go lucky immigrant. I am not in America by choice – it is just where my husband lives. I don’t bring important knowledge or skills to this country, I seldom even leave the farm. I feel terrible sadness for the uncertain futures of those people who are not as lucky as I. Yet I feel a tide turning.
These last few days I am struggling with a feeling that I cannot quite put my finger on. I feel … see that? I pause again … if this were a real conversation and you were in the room with me, I have gone quiet and am looking out the window trying to form English words for how I feel. Groping for them. This text has taken almost two hours to write already. My coffee has gone quite cold. I must get back to the fencing but I am not sure how I feel. I need to find the words. Afraid? Sad? I feel out of step, isolated, foreign. I don’t understand anymore. I am confused. I don’t belong.
Every time I go out – EVERYTIME – someone will say “Oh, I love your accent. Where do you come from?.” Everytime it is kindly pointed out that I do not belong here – I come from elsewhere. From a tourist destination no less. My country is a postcard. Why are you here – is the next question. These are very personal questions yet not one person blushes as they ask them or says – do you mind my asking. I am a little pointy triangle sitting in a restaurant booth made for nice round americans.
The moment I speak several heads swivel towards me to listen. A foreigner is in their midst. Where? There. Is she safe? Where does she come from? Why is she here? They tuck their purses closer to their bodies and lower their voices again. And I am blonde and blue eyed.
But now the questions go a step further. It just got worse for us. For the immigrants. That is how I feel anyway.
On Wednesday two people I know reasonably well, asked me if I had voted – no, I cannot vote – I am not an American. “You’re not? Why not? You can’t vote? Aren’t you a citizen? Don’t you want to be an American citizen?”. Looking closer. “Oh, so you have a green card? How long does that last? We are not going to have to send you home are we – ha ha ha. Just joking”
Paraphrased but the same conversation – twice.
No-one has asked me if I was a citizen before, if I was documented.
I am sure they did not mean to be unkind but they have a duty now – to check, you see.
In two years my green card is up for renewal. My next logical step is to apply for citizenship. (Which is not a rubber stamp, this also needs lots of money, and exams and more checks, proof that I still live with John, that I am embedded, no threat, not out of the country too often, etc). But America confuses me now, I am a little afraid.
The atmosphere is changing.
Becoming a citizen is not the right step for me.
But I have a farm and a husband and his family here in the midwest and the farm harbours a number of souls in my care. I have a home here too. And no money to start again elsewhere even if I wanted to.
You see? 
And all yesterday and all last night and all this morning I was thinking about this. Trying to think my way past these words into how I was feeling about them. And when I went to write my blog this morning before sunrise like I usually do, these words would not get out of my way.
So I waited a while and now I give them to you.
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
214 responses to “I am an immigrant”
I’m sorry that so many of my fellow Americans seem to be buying into the message of hatred and fear, bigotry and racism, xenophobia and misogyny. That’s not, in my view, what we are supposed to be about. We are a country formed from ex-pats (and of course the trampling of rights of the original residents). It feels right now like we are going backwards but I do not believe that we won’t get through this difficult time and move forward. It is a scary time and I empathize with you. I don’t much feel I belong in my own country these days, how much harder it would be to have those ignorant fools shouting that if you don’t like it you should go home.
I do agree that America is loaded with wonderful strong individuals who will all work together to continue to go forward .. I am sure of it.. c
I once worked at a bank located on the University of Minnesota campus where every other person who sat at my desk was from somewhere else, mostly from other countries. I often asked where they were from. It was my curiosity about the world that inspired this, it was never meant as an insult or interrogation. My next question was usually asking them to tell me something about their original home. I know that if I had heard your lovely voice, I would have asked you the same questions. I felt this gave me the opportunity to learn something new about the world, people, culture or geography. My curiosity may have been inspired by the fact that my mother met my father overseas after WWII and she made her home in the States. My questioning was always kindly done, and never meant to harm, but your comments have made me wonder. While I always felt this exchange enriched both my mind and soul, now I wonder if it was at their expense.
I know – it is always meant kindly and I remind myself of that every time – what a wonderful place that bank must have been.. c
I’ve been wondering the same thing—I almost always ask people I’m meeting where ‘home’ is to them, knowing that if they have fled a difficult place, it might simply be here, where they’ve arrived safely, but never with the idea that their being different is anything but interesting and attractive to me. I see from C’s comments that it may easily be taken as quite the opposite, especially now when the national tenor is one of distrust and antagonism.
I’m with all of the other commenters here who say similar things about what feels like Home: suddenly I feel I am an alien in my birth country. What has been elected, if not by the popular vote then at least by the ruling system in the US, goes against nearly everything I have valued about the claims America has made as a nation. If we are to find ourselves ruled by fear and hatred of anything Other than our own selves and our own beliefs and desires, I will think that the so-called American Dream has moved abroad. Anywhere but here. Yet I am with so many others who also say, how can we allow fear and hatred to cozen and hijack our home, our dreams? Only by standing in solidarity and peace and hope with our fellow unique-yet-merely-human, ordinary-yet-extraordinary citizens can we begin to temper the tantrums and see each other (even those we think extremists because *they* are so different in their expression of self) as having value, having a place, and having a contribution to make in it.
Onward and upward.
Kathryn
A beautiful post. Like you, my husband is an immigrant, with his first green card that he must carry at all times. Like you, he too receives the odd comments, the stares, and questions of ignorance. And like you, he will have a decision to make about citizenship in a few years time (K1s work a little different in that they have to go through 2yr green cards and then 10yr green cards but citizenship can be obtained well before then 10yr is up).. so yes a tri-fold process of great expense and headache in which people you don’t know are constantly scrutinizing your legitimacy as a human being and the love you share for your spouse). You have a right to be here and there are millions of us who will defend to the death that right. But it’s not just America that’s changing.. it’s a global thing now, of which there is not many safe havens left of respectability and peace. Choosing citizenship can be a difficult decision to come to, but for the most part so long as your home country allows it, you may be a dual citizen – a part of both countries.. your own dual person of which no one can take away from you. So many immigrants have felt in despair this week, and I struggle to comfort them, including my own husband. He has gone through it twice now, with Brexit and now this. I am at a loss because I don’t even know how to comfort myself with the outcome. But I do know one thing, we must never let them win. Fear is what they want, and we should not give them the satisfaction of it. Those who harbor hatred are a dying breed, and they will always rattle loudest before death. Every immigrant that becomes a proud citizen is a defeat to them. Every child we raise (so that they can in turn raise their children’s children) and teach the values of respect, kindness, and freedom – will ensure it to be gone forever.
I loved this comment – well written – I have had many young people work with me on the farm this summer and they make me smile with delight – good, generous, well read, eager to learn and a real credit to your country and the future of the planet. The future will be safe in their hands I think – these children of ours. c
Before I read this, I had been one of those Americans inclined to ask the expat living here where they were from and why they were here. In my view it was always out of respect and curiosity. I understand now that being bombarded by these seemingly minute inquiries on a regular basis may compound for the one being asked into a feeling of alienation. I speak for myself when I say this, but just know that there are a lot of people in this country that I have crossed paths with that want you and all other people of the world to be in America if they want to be. That is the fairy tale dream of the “melting pot” that we are taught from the beginning of school. Unfortunatley there are many here that don’t abide by that viewpoint in practice.
What happened Tuesday was disheartening on many levels and I sympathize for you. I just hope that in two years, if you want to stay, you are able to because our country is better for having you in it.
P.S. Winnie (One of Marmalade’s brood) is doing quite well!
Best,
Remic
Remic what a great response, thank you and we remember Winnie! Thank you for the update! Marmalade is still the naughtiest cat here! c
Like mother, like daughter!
I have been in shock these past two days. Going between bouts of anger and crying (something I have never EVER done after an election). I cannot imagine how you must be feeling but having been born and raised in the U.S., I now feel like I live in an occupied country. I feel someone needs to start an underground movement like the French Resistance in WWII.
I hope you start to feel better soon – it may not be as bad as the rhetoric – let’s hope not anyway – it will all quieten down again soon and everyone can get back to work. I hope today will be better for you. c
I actually don’t really even understand this post and will probably receive hateful comments for it, but as a Trump supporter I see things very differently. Even saying you’re a Trump supporter garners hateful comments from those that accuse Mr. Trump of being hateful. My mother-in-law is from Germany. She has a green card. She has had no trouble here, and no one has given her a hard time. My good friend is a Trump supporter; she is from Canada and lives here in the U.S. She feels very at home here. The media did a very fine job adding fuel to the fire portraying Mr. Trump as a hater. His problem is with “illegal” immigration. ILLEGAl. A man at my husband’s work is Ukranian. He listened to all the hype and was terrified that he would be deported if Trump won the election. My husband (who is fine with someone from the Ukraine living here) explained that it is Illegal immigration that Trump has a problem with. This man relaxed and actually voted for Mr. Trump. So sad how the media fuels the frenzy. I have read of black people, as well as hispanic people, who are seeing through all this and refusing to believe the media lies and voted for Mr. Trump. Fuss at me if any of your readers will, but there may be some who are haters, but many are not haters of those born in another country who live here. My daughter crossed path with a woman.This woman was so excited; she was from Mexico and had just become an American citizen. She did it lawfully. She sacrificed much! It is illegal immigration that is the problem. And all countries have a legal immigration process, but somehow “legal” immigration has become muddled, apparently a hateful concept. Illegal immigration is lawless; legal immigration is lawful. I couldn’t possibly expect to go to another country without following their rules of immigration, and yet those in the media and those in our political body have confused people into thinking that somehow expecting people to follow the laws of immigration is somehow hateful. So sad for the divisiveness of this country. As a Trump supporter, I welcome all who come to this country lawfully. I LOVE to learn of different cultures, different ways of life.
Everyone has the right to speak on this blog as honestly as they want to – and there will never hateful comments in reply.The Fellowship are not like that. We are a gentle open minded bunch. I seldom drift into the political arena but often speak from my heart and expect you to feel safe speaking from yours. c
Thank you for your message, friend. It is not the politics of *either* deeply flawed party or candidate (I humbly suggest there’s never been or could be anything else, anyway—we’re only human) I reject, nor in fact the often wildly inaccurate portrayal of them by press pundits and the public. It’s certainly not the supporters of any particular candidate or idea that deserve scorn. It’s the encouragement in this current environment to embrace a sort of mob mentality, to speak without consideration of anyone else’s feelings or even safety, knowing that—as you so clearly point out—the loudest voices belong to those few who *would* and do use them to separate, intimidate, and isolate people from each other if it gives them the sense of advantage or power. The calculable, provable facts rarely seem to enter into the discussion at all.
We have allowed ourselves to become a seeming nation of polarized extremists, no matter what the version, or at least the majority of my non-American friends around the world see us in such an unflattering light right now. Until we can get to the point of having civil, reasoned conversations and actually listening to and collaborating with each other, it will continue to be tough going. That said, I know I am fortunate beyond words to be in the midst of a group of friends, colleagues, and neighbors with whom differences, instead of being the constant center of our attentions, are merely the seasoning of a rich stew of everyday life. I hope that the practical realities of governing and bettering this huge, messy, amazing country will keep us *all* too busy to be engaging in name-calling and pettiness and fear-mongering of any kind. Your willingness to speak your thoughts gently and peacefully, whether with a minority or majority view, says volumes about your part in making things better, and I thank you for it.
Kathryn
Unfortunately that is the downside of moving countries. I was born and lived in South Africa for 25 years, then moved to the US and became a citizen. Unknowingly, I lost my South African nationality and citizenship by doing so and now can no longer claim to be South African nor even live there or visit without a visa.
Oh Nadia – how sad. i had no idea that happened to you. But now you are in France – and have your bed and breakfast. I think you are happy there? c
Oh yes, very happy here indeed.
Problem is I have inherited a flat in Cape Town and having nightmares trying to get it registered in my name, open a bank account etc. What a country!
Ah – well red tape is the worst tape of all they say. And I hear that communications can be difficult too. I have friends in Jo-berg who can not get their mail without getting to a Post Office that is unreachable due to something or other. I hope that things work out for you and the flat.. c
Celi…This post has expressed clearly, what so many must feel and be concerned about. Please know that all the baggage that has come with the President Elect does not represent me or any other decent, respectful American. I sure hope that all his threats were “hot air,” and am so ashamed that our country is in this position. From the time I have spent reading your blog, it is clear to me that you are a decent, responsible, bright and sensitive woman, who deeply cares for this earth. Thank you for all of your contributions to this world.
Lori thank you – and very shortly I must get back off this chair and contribute to milking my cows! Enough chat for us! Back to work. c
My maternal grandmother was Canadian. She married my grandfather in 1914 in Oregon and became an American citizen as soon as the marriage certificate was signed and the ceremony was over. At that point she was an expat in the US, but they moved to Red Deer, Alberta, Canada and homesteaded there for 5 years and my grandfather became an expat in Canada! After the 5 years, they sold the place and moved to Indiana to be near family and because the weather was much better. I remember my grandfather’s sister saying (years after my grandfather had died) that my grandmother always seemed such a foreigner to her, that she had to be taught American ways, as if she were uncivilized. I thought that was very unkind of her.
uncivilised! That did make me smile! Unkind but kind of funny after all this time. They sure moved about easily in those days. c
Yes they did!
You are a citizen of the land. And of the world. Would that we all were.
We all are Albert. We are all citizens of the world. A lovely phrase – thank you! c
What EVERYONE seems to forget is that ALL OF US are immigrants unless you are native. I love you being here. You enrich us..you know us, the rest of the immigrants.
Of course! Have a lovely day Chris! c
I believe that even some of the natives crossed the Siberian land bridge waaaaaaaay back when so they are immigrants too!
I understand. I am asked the same questions, and yet somehow, I feel that I am welcome here and belong here. Perhaps it is because I had my children here. It has bound me to this place in a way I would not be. And Italy has been criss crossed by “immigrants” for millennia. They ask the questions, but at the same time, they do not bat an eye. We are all travelers on the planet, and they seem to know that.
That is truly wonderful. And yes – travel is not new – settling in a new land is not new either – but the paper is new I think.. we need to do research on that actually – when did Visa’s and green cards and work permits come into play i wonder. c
Citizenship papers have been around a long time relative to our lifetimes. Not everywhere I suppose, but they had them in Rome, and the despised gypsies were people “without papers.” I wonder who invented the idea…. Hmm. There’s a pretty interesting Wikipedia article on the history of citizenship: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_citizenship. It looks like “green cards” were invented shortly after WWII, though there was paperwork for permanent non-citizens before that. Fascinating, and unfortunate that it’s a cause of strife.
I am publishing a new post at midnight, and inside it there will be a link to this beautiful article you wrote. Thank you! From an immigrant to another 😉
Thank you Sally and may I say what a beautiful photo of you accompanying your name.. c
Oh, you are so sweet! 😉
Thoughtfully written. I have been in shock and denial since waking up Wednesday, grasping for some way to understand and accept, thinking about how to be a part of what we need to change. I had a conversation today with a young man with a green card. He asked me if I thought Trump would send him back to Vietnam, I assured him that wouldn’t happen. I am praying I am right. Peace and love
Oh he is quite fine – no-one wants to send home people with the correct documents. That will not happen. It cannot. The law is quite specific. It is more the checking up that worries me – the suspicion. But this is world wide too – people becoming afraid of immigrants. c
Celi, this country was built by immigrants unless you are 100% native American and there are few of them, then each of us has immigrants in our heritage. I don’t know how this country could have brought this despot to power, it frightens me that he has given voice to the bigots whose voice has been tempered in the last 55 years. His mother was an immigrant from Scotland. His wife is an immigrant who has become a citizen. Is he going to be selective of the immigrants he doesn’t want in our country? We all need to be kind to each other and support each other over the next few years. I fear for the rights of women, LGBTs, minorities, and immigrants (legal and otherwise). As a retired educator, I worked with many immigrant students and their families, always wonderful people. My son teaches at a university that has a huge Muslim and Latino population as well as many less privileged students who rely on federal grants to help pay for their education. He is worried about his students, and in turn about his job if the platform set out is implemented. Let us be strong together, grow our gardens and our critters, love our family, and hope that saner minds will prevail.
I think kindness is one of the most underrated qualities in a person. And yes – back to work all of us. I love that word Critters – so American! I applaud your son and have a friend who teaches in texas who is struggling with the same fears . But she also said – lets wait and see – and cross those bridges when we come to them.. c