Yes, I am an Immigrant. 
An expat- which is just a nicer word for an immigrant who still retains the passport of her birth country.
‘An expatriate (often shortened to expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing, as an immigrant, in a country other than that of their citizenship. The word comes from the Latin terms ex (“out of”) and patria (“country, fatherland”).’
The land of my mother and father.
Where I was born.
There are times, living here in America with a green card, as an immigrant, that I don’t feel that I belong here. I just want to go home. Such a child-like response to a fright.
Many immigrants feel this way. We all carry a sadness within us, almost a feeling of failure that we could not thrive in our own countries, we had to leave to grow.
We are in America trying to fit in, with our green cards clutched in our hot little hands and trying to keep our mouths shut. To look grateful and unthreatening.
To get a green card is a long, arduous and expensive process. It takes years, just the background checks, police checks, etc., took a solid eighteen months for me just to be cleared, then on to the next step. And I come from a country that is not at war so the records are easy to find and they are in English. And don’t forget that the person applying for the permanent residency pays good money every step of the way. This is not a poor mans lark.
I talked to a lady yesterday who was shocked that is was hard to get. Oh, she said, I thought that when you married an American you were automatically an American citizen. She did not mean to be rude she was just interested in whether I was a citizen or not. But no. Not at all. Where on earth did you get that idea from? I asked. Who told you it was easy? You have to apply and beg to be admitted and every expensive step underscores that no-one wants you here at all! Marrying helps though.
Ten years ago, I married John, an American citizen who I have known since I was seventeen, but marrying him did not guarantee residency, not at all, I was put through a series of harrowing interviews and a war of paper and applications and lawyers visits. Two years later I had my green card.
But I still hold a New Zealand passport.
It is the law that I must carry my green card on me at all times as proof that I am allowed to be out on the street in America.
Once approved, the green card only lasts for ten years.
It was easier for me though. I am an English speaking woman from a peaceful country and I have a long accessible paper trail of education and work history and I am married to an American. And we had the money to pay for me to apply for permanent residency. I am not the daughter of an undocumented Mexican woman or a Syrian doctor or a small Muslim girl in school or a young Algerian man with nothing but dreams or an Argentinian rugby player. How much harder is life for these people. The good honest ones – not the ones with bad intent – the ordinary immigrants like me.
So many people are being threatened with deportation now from the place they were born in or desperately want to work in, yet I am only here by chance. It seems all wrong to me. What is the word I am struggling for – guilt? I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I am a happy go lucky immigrant. I am not in America by choice – it is just where my husband lives. I don’t bring important knowledge or skills to this country, I seldom even leave the farm. I feel terrible sadness for the uncertain futures of those people who are not as lucky as I. Yet I feel a tide turning.
These last few days I am struggling with a feeling that I cannot quite put my finger on. I feel … see that? I pause again … if this were a real conversation and you were in the room with me, I have gone quiet and am looking out the window trying to form English words for how I feel. Groping for them. This text has taken almost two hours to write already. My coffee has gone quite cold. I must get back to the fencing but I am not sure how I feel. I need to find the words. Afraid? Sad? I feel out of step, isolated, foreign. I don’t understand anymore. I am confused. I don’t belong.
Every time I go out – EVERYTIME – someone will say “Oh, I love your accent. Where do you come from?.” Everytime it is kindly pointed out that I do not belong here – I come from elsewhere. From a tourist destination no less. My country is a postcard. Why are you here – is the next question. These are very personal questions yet not one person blushes as they ask them or says – do you mind my asking. I am a little pointy triangle sitting in a restaurant booth made for nice round americans.
The moment I speak several heads swivel towards me to listen. A foreigner is in their midst. Where? There. Is she safe? Where does she come from? Why is she here? They tuck their purses closer to their bodies and lower their voices again. And I am blonde and blue eyed.
But now the questions go a step further. It just got worse for us. For the immigrants. That is how I feel anyway.
On Wednesday two people I know reasonably well, asked me if I had voted – no, I cannot vote – I am not an American. “You’re not? Why not? You can’t vote? Aren’t you a citizen? Don’t you want to be an American citizen?”. Looking closer. “Oh, so you have a green card? How long does that last? We are not going to have to send you home are we – ha ha ha. Just joking”
Paraphrased but the same conversation – twice.
No-one has asked me if I was a citizen before, if I was documented.
I am sure they did not mean to be unkind but they have a duty now – to check, you see.
In two years my green card is up for renewal. My next logical step is to apply for citizenship. (Which is not a rubber stamp, this also needs lots of money, and exams and more checks, proof that I still live with John, that I am embedded, no threat, not out of the country too often, etc). But America confuses me now, I am a little afraid.
The atmosphere is changing.
Becoming a citizen is not the right step for me.
But I have a farm and a husband and his family here in the midwest and the farm harbours a number of souls in my care. I have a home here too. And no money to start again elsewhere even if I wanted to.
You see? 
And all yesterday and all last night and all this morning I was thinking about this. Trying to think my way past these words into how I was feeling about them. And when I went to write my blog this morning before sunrise like I usually do, these words would not get out of my way.
So I waited a while and now I give them to you.
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
214 responses to “I am an immigrant”
I could not write anything for the longest time after reading this. I had no idea about your life other than what I have read since I joined the Fellowship. Reading your feelings (and those of others here)… I get a lump in my throat and a wave of something awful in the pit of my stomach. I realize I have been horribly ignorant of other’s lives – probably because I do not ask questions and unless someone expresses their thoughts, feelings or concerns, I assume everything is fine. I now find myself very overwhelmed by the fear being expressed here. I have been ignorant – not knowing how immigrants and green card holders might feel. I know very little about the process or the expense. My grandfather immigrated here easily at the age of sixteen – escaping a socialist country. He was so happy to be an American. Back then it was a matter of a little paperwork on entry, and sponsorship by a legal American citizen.
And while I have every right in the world to vote as I wish, for the last two days I have been met with hostility and hatred. I am reeling with a wounded heart… viciousness from people from the blog world I felt close to and trusted… I felt knocked in the teeth and labeled – incorrectly I might add. Jill H. pretty much covered my thoughts about ILLEGAL immigration and what the media has caused – creating chaos and instilling fear. My vote for Trump came down to economic change and creation of jobs. The state I live in is in dire straights – we are an energy driven state and jobs have dwindled over the last eight years. People are struggling, crime has increased tremendously, businesses have closed up, and our schools are ranked second from the bottom in the nation. Suicide is at an all time high. I was not concerned about the issues that the media drove home. And I never once thought that anyone who was legally here or who was in the process of achieving citizenship was in any danger of being deported.
So after reading these emotional comments, and the last two days of being beaten to a pulp, I may have to opt for some of those nights under the stars with Ronnie and Emma deer. I need to clear my head and heal. In the next life I think I’ll come back as a four-legged critter.
My husband and I both come from a long line of immigrants, and we are immigrants ourselves. The world is full of immigrants. Perhaps the events of this week will cause people to think more about what that means. The media has a lot to answer for. They create false fears and prey on them for the almighty rating point. I know, I worked in TV for 10 years! See what I wrote to Celi, below… I believe Trump is a catalyst and while some of what he said will not eventuate, some things will change. He will be surrounded with advisors who will hopefully help him do what is right. He has a big enough ego (not that he is alone in that) to not want his Presidential legacy to be one of failure and strife. Go hug Emma and Ronnie 💕
Aw, I am feeling the love Ardys. Thank you. I don’t know how to make a heart emoticon but I heart you back!
Well you are safe here darling girl. No-one is ever allowed to make negative comments to another in this forum. Here we listen and try to understand. I believe everyone has a right to vote for who their heart tells them is the right person and should not be afraid to stand by their choices. This surely is democracy and freedom. In fact I was very careful not to name names or blame politicians for this slight shift in how some people SEE immigrants now. (I am a bit dismayed at the way the comments have swayed into that actually but again we are allowed to speak here and i cannot edit) My daughter in law, also an immigrant from England to New Zealand wrote to me and said she applauded this post because everyone throughout the world should not use immigrant as a dirty word. This is all I was saying really, I am an immigrant just the same as the others. Many, many of us are good and legal and trying to do the best we can. Bless you for being so honest. We all lve you to bits! c
Re-reading the comments on this post as the immigrant question reignites and once again I am so grateful for your contribution and bravery. Do you still have rescue deer there? I used to love reading about them.
Hello Cecilia. Life has changed a lot for me over the last seven years. I am not so brave any longer about stating anything about my life, thoughts or rehabilitation work. My blog has been idle for some time. The last post about Forrest’s accident explains why I haven’t had much time to devote to writing, but there have been other indications that the audience wants something different these days. Some negative feedback regarding ranch life, along with Youtube shutting down the channel I used for posting nature videos made me realize posting about nature isn’t cool anymore. The videos that were cited were of normal wildlife activity (mating, sparring, skill building) and someone at Youtube that monitors video content found several clips inappropriate. If that is what its come to, then it’s time for me to bow out gracefully and be thankful for the good run I had since 2011.
The state of our country is appalling. But, historically, since creation there have always been problems of some sort. I just try to be understanding and have compassion for people and situations. I do a lot of praying.
So much of what you said, Celi, I can relate to. I’m an expat, but I am also a citizen of both the USA and the country in which I live, Australia. But still, I feel out of place at times. This usually happens due to certain unkind people. Most people have been kind and welcoming. It takes courage to live in a country other than where you were born, regardless of the reason. My own reason is two fold. I CAME here because this was where the man I married lived, even though at the time he was also an American. He gave up his US citizenship when he became an Australian citizen, because the US required him to–old laws, many years ago. I STAYED here, because it feels like my spiritual home, somehow. So even if a few others don’t think I belong, the Universe thinks otherwise. We are all uneasy at the moment. My husband and I feel that it takes two different skill sets to be in politics, one skill set enables you to win the election, the other enables you to govern. Two different things. We watch, now, and hope a new order will grow from this catalyst called Trump.
I’m 5th generation Aussie but because I’m a supporter of the melting pot of nationalities sometimes I’m also considered an outsider by those who aren’t. But my values are considered, informed and logical so I’m proud of them. Our ancestors, except Indigenous Australians (who did but much longer ago) came from somewhere else. I don’t always platform my beliefs but if I’m challenged then I’m quite happy to exercise my right to a say. I can only hope that time, technology, awareness and new generations will carry us globally to beliefs which unite & nuture everyone equally ♡
Well said Ella !!
Well said Dale. If you go far enough back we are all from someplace else. And all of us feel like outsiders at some point in life, even if it is just because you show up at a party not dressed in the expected mode of fashion. If we can call on that feeling and be more compassionate it will go such a long way toward uniting the world. xx
Ardysez -that reminds me of a story once years ago when my Mum was alive and we were kids we were invited to dinner at someones house that we did not know well. My Mum wore a long velvet skirt and a white top and her pearls. When we got there it was a barbeque with everyone in SHORTS and jandals. My mother carried it off but when we all got back in the van to go home she confessed to her mortification at being so overdressed. We laughed about it later of course about TEN YEARS LATER – it was a scary moment to see my mother out of place. c
That is a wonderful way of loking at it – your wording is great. And America is huge – filled with the most wonderful people – I have many of them staying over the summer and they are great and good. I love how you love Australia – wonderful. c
Celi, to me, you are an inspiration, an example of a good steward of the land, able to laugh at yourself, always kind. Any country would be lucky to have you as a citizen or a resident. I am sorry for the remarks of anyone who has made you feel uncomfortable or intruded upon or without a true home. It is my job to do my best to appreciate everyone who is here — a tall order!
But a good order – we should all strive to see the best in people.. c
I’m pleased you have shared this very personal point of view, although being very private, doing so would have been well considered I imagine. Because at this time, world wide it is what we need. To see each other as individual people who are equal, different but the same, with their own stories who are part of a whole community. It may not feel like the easiest or most natural response to the politics of our respective countries, but hope will serve us far better than fear… this is what I have been telling myself halfway across the globe here in Australia because despite our various borders and bureaucracies we are one world.
Hope is better than fear – a wonderful phrase – thank you.. c
Thank you for sharing your journey and for the grace that you bring to this subject. I am sorry for how you are sometimes made to feel. I recently wrote a post about words and how they can cut like a knife and stay with us. It was on a bit of a different slant, but, the crux is the same and the hope is that we are all mindful of what we say.
Yes words are very strong but useful – after all we could not think without words.. c
Oh – I’ve seen the ‘immigrant’ situation from two sides…. my French Canadian husband’s and my own when living in Quebec (Canada) and in Malta.
(Hell, you can move from state to state here in American and feel like a outsider…)
My husband was called, by the American government, an “alien’ years ago here in the States…. no kidding! There used to be notices on the television when I was growing up reminding all ‘aliens’ (Green Card holders..) to re-register. And when I first moved to Montreal, I was called a “Landed Immigrant”… as opposed to a ‘Non-Landed Immigrant”? ; o )
My husband died a Canadian citizen and I can’t tell you how many people were shocked that he never became American. He had to register for the draft during the Vietnam War (I’ve told you that before..) and was in the Army Reserves. No – he couldn’t vote. But he paid taxes etc. etc. I used to ask Americans (who were shocked he hadn’t become a citizen), ‘If you went to England, would you become a citizen of Britain’. All but one said, “No”… and I do believe they saw my point after I asked that question.
I used to say to Claude, ‘If I live in Quebec until the day I die, I will never be considered more than an ‘English’. (That’s a whole other bucket of fish….) Most Americans – including me – seem to be really, really interested when they hear an accent. I honestly believe they’re just curious and mean no harm. Esp. since you’re a woman, you’re white and you don’t look Moslem…. If you were a male with darker skin …. and … heaven forbid… a beard – them many people…. now-a-days… might get freaked out.
I too, have always thought it was pretty easy to come to the States if you were married to an American. But I’ve seen, in person, how some American immigration employees treat people who are trying to enter the country. And it disgusted me. Luckily my husband was Canadian and I’m American, so we were able to go ‘back and forth’ between the States and Canada with relative ease.
There has to be so many things you miss about your own country …. sooo many things that make New Zealand ‘home’ to you. I totally understand my friend. And I so admire your ‘pluck’!!! ; o )
You are right – I just wanted to set the record straight that it is not easy to get a Green Card. They don’t just dole them out with a jar of peanut butter and say off you go. That’s all I meant. I don’t feel plucky right at the moment – overwhelmed by this response i think. Thank you for sharing yoour story with us.. c
And I’m glad you DID set the record straight. I learned a lot from your post today! ; o )
I think Lady Liberty is going to need a new poem. This one doesn’t seem to fit any more:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
In the UK, where I was born and raised and spent the first half of my life, I was an outsider because my mother was ‘foreign’. Not meekly, quietly foreign, but assertive and loud and different. I learned something from her about how to get ahead as a woman, but also how harsh and divisive other people can be with what is s different. I too am an expat, with both an Australian and a UK passport. I too paid huge sums of money and endured intrusive and never-ending questions in order to achieve residency here in Australia. And here too, I am an outsider, a Pommie, fair game for any kind of Pommie-bashing the ‘real’ Australian perpetrator feels up for, usually couched as a ‘joke’ at my expense. It doesn’t help to point out they’re immigrants too, some only one generation ago. To be a ‘real’ Australian, you have to be born here, apparently, and be Australian by accident rather than by choice.
Thank you for the thoughtful, and thought-provoking, post today. It’s made me think more about why I put up with the nonsense.
yes, yes, it is not an american phenomenon, it is world wide this problem. But kind of normal in a way I suppose. I suppose We all deal with it in one way or the other. feeling out of place .. c
Not everyone thinks that to be a true Aussie you have to be born here. Unfortunately you’ve encountered people who don’t represent our views… http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/deng-adut-named-nsw-australian-of-the-year-20161106-gsjfvz.html
I love that there is now a t-shirt of his quote, or a derivative… I’m an Aussie not because I was born in Australia but because Australia was born in me.
♡
Love it, and he’s wonderful 🙂
Oh Celi, what a heart-wrenching post. You have laboured to find the words to express something significant. The agony of poor immigrants from non-english-speaking countries must be immense. And the insecurity great. You have spoken for those silent ones.
Oh Juliet – yes – I miss home today – I miss the beach and the magpies (who would MISS magpies!!) . c
A very homesick person, I guess. I’ll say hello to the beach for you.
Yes – yes
Thank you Celi for the most important post methinks you have ever written. Written honestly, fairly and wonderfully well. I am supposedly on a month-long blog break after the ‘tectonic shift’ of ‘trainwreck Tuesday’ but so felt I wanted you to know how your words resonate with me. And my mailbox but a few minutes ago was full of notes from weeping and angry and incredulous Americans, many of them expats living in Europe, Mexico, Asia and here. All unable to understand the ‘political nervous breakdown’ [Bob Carr: wellknown Australian Labor politician] which so unexpectedly came about in the States. I believe 88% of Australians would have voted for the socalled ‘bad’ rather than show their abysmal ignorance in voting for the socalled ‘mad’. We have huge geographical security issues here and economically are at opposite poles to the US of today. To Fiona from Australia: Yes, I too listened to Julie Bishop and the very weak Malcolm Turnbull: it was disgusting, BUT said with the future welfare of all of us at heart in as diplomatic a fashion they knew how – methinks their language was as blue as ours behind closed doors. I too was a strange migrant kid way back when: someone out of a circus for the then Anglo-Saxon locals during the difficult teenage years. I was WHITE, I was CHRISTIAN and in time I passed muster: do I feel Australian ? – although I now live in what was the ‘Estonian Village’ for some 60 years, I felt Australian by the time I passed those years. Should Trump actually make it to the Inauguration with his Barbie doll spouse, I wonder how long the ‘honeymoon’ period will last before all those ‘white rural males without a college education’ realize he will be unable to fulfil some 95% of his ‘promises’. Day by day, Celi, day by day . . . . much love . . .
Oh Eha we are not here to attack Mr Trump or his beautiful wife and she is rather beautiful. I was merely saying that there is a shift in trust of immigrants now and I think this is really quite world wide. It has been more enabled in America recently and Brixet is reported to be creating a similar atmosphere in England. The USA is not the only country with these troubles. It’s just that sometimes i don’t want to be an immigrant – I want to be ordinary and invisible. c
Big, warm smile! Hillary and Michelle were accomplished, intelligent and educated wives: a pride to the country! My apologies to having let about 5% of my feelingworld ‘loose’ here as to how I would have seen it and wanted it said . . . truly . . . . it is just that a few months down the track most of the ‘America’ who voted for the guy will be sorely and sadly disappointed when he will find excuse after excuse why hew could not fulfil his ‘promises’. Please see what I have said on Ardys’ page as I truly cannot take any more time off. Just hope that the guy has not pushed some very inadvertent buttons as far as the world is concerned by that time!! Off on a very work-related break 🙂 !!!
Cecilia, it has been a privilege to “tune in” to your blog these many years.You are quite an extraordinary person, courageous, kind, thoughtful, wise. You are the person I wish I were. Everything I am not. As many of the Followers have admitted, I too have often asked someone where they are from and what their country is like. It is the writer in me–terribly curious about everyone and everything–especially, I should add, about animals. I guess that’s why I ask you for a photo of Sheila opening her mouth to feed her an egg whole!, and assuming, wrongly, TonTon would eschew petting. An armchair farmer.
I too am sick at heart over this election. And as some above said, the media have a lot to answer for. I wish all of Hillary’s followers would have the class she exhibited. Never mind the opposition!
We are lucky to be living in a country with such a visible democracy. This is a wonderful country with many fantastic people. I should send you TonTon – he would be lying across your feet in seconds.
I am so sorry. So sorry. I wish I had better words.
I wish i had better words too!! Love love.. c
I just wish to say one thing. America was built by immigrants. We welcome all immigrants as long as they follow our immigration laws and come to our great country through “legal” processes. I believe citizens of most other countries feel this way. If a country has laws that are not followed, a country has no sovereignty. Thanks for letting me comment.
Yes I am happy for you to comment and happy to be one of those immigrants. c
What an eclectic and interesting bunch the Fellowship turns out to be! What a grand mix we’d be at a cocktail party. I can only imagine how homesick you must feel at times, I’ve lived my whole life within 50 miles of my birthplace, not too interesting I’m afraid. I think, with all the strife and awful things happening in the world right now the natural knee jerk reaction is to circle the wagons and look with suspicion at strangers. For my own sanity I have to believe in the basic goodness of human kind and that no matter who wins the elections that goodness will win out.
I believe you are right.. there is goodness – all we have to do is look for it. Sherry I am cold – why am I cold? Is winter finally here? c
Soon I’m afraid. On my walk this morning the sun was warm on my back but the wind I was heading into was cold!
hmm – winter
I am so sorry you feel bad and that you have been made to feel alien. I am taking a long view (after feeling queasy all day Wednesday). We have come through worse and put up with worse than our newly elected president. In two years, there will be elections again. If history is any indication, there will be change. We also have a government that moves at a stately pace. In many instances, that is a very good thing. This would be one of them…
I agree and would add that we need to trust the system, with its checks and balances and many pauses. A long view is always sensible .. c
I love and appreciate your words. We are all human beings and I wish and hope we will care for each other, other living beings , plants, etc and the earth
as much as you take care of your world that you care for and that I read about everyday!!!!!
Liz
Thank you Liz – have a lovely evening!