Like: Not a thought in my head. For hours on end I can drift through the farm chores, talking to the dogs, directing cows, checking for weight gain and health, inspecting pigs and sorting chickens – all without a single useful thought. The interesting thing I have discovered is that if I do not mentally attach a word to an action my memory loses touch with it as well. I become a slow moving runaway train on a mono rail. 
I think you have to know many good words to have good thoughts. But sometimes as I work on the farm alone I find I have no words at all. No language. There is not a word in my head so I have no thoughts. I make decision after decision, going through my list for the day in a kind of fog. I was having trouble with retention, and found myself standing quite still looking at an animal or a gate wondering what I was doing next.
This lack of thought was leading me into a vague kind of depression. But I could not identify it because I had no words. All I had were feelings. Too full. Too slow. Holding hard to my temper. Getting fractious about things not going right. Empty. Homesick. Tired. Tired. Tired.
So, yesterday I tried to wake my brain back up by challenging myself to do two things at once as often as possible. Like boiling the kettle, while I filled the buckets, eating my only breakfast (no second breakfast when I work alone) while writing, having laundry washing itself while I did the milking, filling the hay feeders while I milked the cow, running the waters while I mowed the lawns. But that was all too easy, I do that anyway.
So I tried combining two jobs. Creating the new piglet creep one bale at a time as I went to and fro feeding the pigs. As I carried dirty straw from Molly’s pen to dump in her garden I had to uproot one dead weed before picking up my fork and going back for another scoop. Cutting and carrying armloads of willow to the pigs as I cleared under their electric fence. And I decided I had to finish both tasks at the same time before moving to the next two jobs. This was interesting because I had to plan the two tasks then focus hard on not rushing away to do something else just for a moment then losing the thread.
I did find that my day was faster and more awake. But mostly doing two things at once meant that my day was jerky and harried and a little anxious as I asked myself is the water barrel filled, is the washing machine still, what is my next job. Why can’t I find one decent pair of secateurs. How did I do. Fail or succeed?
And it is hard to review myself when i have no words.
Though I don’t mind a fail grade when I am only grading myself. If I fail and know it, it is easier for me to do it better. Though I need my words to come back so I can make my plan for success.
But still I feel muddled. Out of focus. No extra thoughts. Just slow reactions. This fog is not lifting. Like I can’t see clearly. I keep mentally squinting then wondering what I am looking for. I feel like Alex standing in a bucket of water – my head down and softly drifting from side to side. Hoof up, foot down, Left hoof up, foot down. First hoof up, hoof down. Making the water plop and gently splash.
I really am thinking like a cow.
Maybe I need more sleep. More water and more sleep.
However today I am going to continue with my challenge. Combining jobs. Even thinking of which jobs to combine is a good mental exercise. Trying to break the pause that is opening up in my head.
This day last year – Poppy is the lady in waiting
The year before that – Look at this corn in 2015
And here is 2014. That was a rough fall.
One more – 2013 Trying to take a decent photograph
We could go on but I have work to do. Talk soon. I will answer your comments while I drink my coffee!! The perfect combination.
I hope you have a lovely day.
celi
WEATHER: Still warm. Still clear.
Sun
am pm
Moon
Waxing Crescent, 35% visible pm pm
The Kitchen's Garden 
83 responses to “ZONING OUT”
Burnout and fatigue can quickly slide into depression, and you don’t want to go down into that dark hole. AMHIK I’ve got some ideas that I find useful in minding my mind:
1. The Buddhists call it presences but I call it awareness. I practice being ALL here right now. What does this second look like, feel like, sound like? I (try) not to let my mind wander into empty wanderings but instead strengthen my staying “here” muscle. Granted, I really suck at this 🙂 I think I can maintain here-ness for about 30 seconds in a row. So, if it isn’t working and I get frustrated, I move on to options 2 or 3.
2. I enjoy memorizing poems, sonnets, Psalms and Proverbs, great literary passages, etc. I’ll keep a note card in my pocket of what I’m trying to memorize so I can add one verse at a time as I work outside. I find that when my mind goes a-wandering, it wanders toward what I’ve memorized instead of into nothingness. I consider it lining the bookshelves of my brain’s library.
3. Or I’ll write poems or ditties as I work. I write for a living (which means I spend 50% of my of time wandering around my yard digging/watering/picking up/de-slugging/wandering), and this week, as I worked outside, I set my brain toward writing a product description to the lyrics of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (I have a very cool client). I once wrote a song for my beloved dog to the tune of Copacabana. If my brain refuses to stay “with” me, then I give it something meaningful to do so that it has worked as hard as my body in the day.
I love how you write – your work must have such rhythm! I have never been depressed in my life and I do agree that personally challenging your mind is key to mind maintanence. Sometimes our brains need a good kick in the pants to get up and behave.. c
Plus, the oppressive heat! I think your words will return when the morning air has a BIT of crispness to it. This heat muddles my brain.
It is odd this last heat of the summer – saps one- though I do not look forward to winter at all-
Me, either! Our winters feel like they last as long as the other three seasons put together! Take care.
I think we’d all like to come over to your home and help out…..friendly faces and smiles with giggles would help! Take care!
What a lovely thought
Ah, Ceci! I understand your quandary with the words and thoughts only too well! My hub is quite hard-of-hearing and I do so tire of the repeats and having to speak in louder than normal tones. It gets lonely. I think a lot – perhaps too much. Uttering no more than 100 words a day is not normal, especially for women, and I’ve found that the lack of oral usage is causing my muscles (jaw and tongue) to be come lax and it is hard to form words. It’s even hard to put my thoughts into a comprehensible sentence. The only thing I’ve found that helps is talking out loud to myself, or the cats, chickens, birds, etc. Even tell the trees and flowers how utterly beautiful they are. Perhaps you too might try talking to your surroundings and animals to keep your thoughts focused? Hope it helps! It has me, and I find quite a lot to entertain myself with, even breaking out in laughter with some of the odd puns I come up with – but alas, no one to share them with.
Well Sunny darling girl – you can share them with us. – we have good ears.
Hey, thanks! I appreciate that!
It’s transition time…
Yes/ you are right AND almost bangle time!
The heat, the HEAT;
is energy sucking,
mind-numbingly
Stupefying!
No words are necessary
What do “they” say
about those who talk
to themselves…
The animals require
little of language
They understand you
Their love for you
WATER yourself
Love yourself
Replenish it
that Staff of Life
as often as you lose it
For it is far too easy
to lose track
(of Everything!)
Otherwise…
Once again the Fellowship is brainstorming… I love these comments. My everyday operative state is multi-tasking & thinking. I usually have song lyrics running through one part of my thoughts along with creative narrative which may or [recently] may not make it into written words, practical narrative which often results in hurried scribbling of lists on post-it notes, recollections & imaginary conversations, the occasional peaceful no thoughts in the zone meditative interlude, and frequent hiatus where I have no clue at all or can’t think of that word I so desperately need… which I put down as a quirk-perk of advancing age. In balance it’s all good but hungry, tired, thirsty, over-tasked, stressed results in system malfunctions. Working to get better at that is an ongoing task ☺
Just go with the flow as the Buddhists say . . . . Why do you have to consciously think all the time? Why do you have to analyse? Just do what you know you have to do and enjoy each and every movement leading to each and every task accomplished . . . just at the end of the day add up all you have indeed achieved and give a satisfied nod . . . It is when you get ‘home’ for Christmas you should perchance go for long walks in beloved surroundings and look at the scenario from a distance and perhaps your rested feelingworld will tell you the answers to achieve peace one cannot force . . .
I was concerned with what I read today. Then I read the comments and you have been given some very good advice by very good friends. Do take care Celi.
Whew that was a lot! I know an easier way…sing out loud to the world what you are doing at any given time…well you couldn’t do that all day long cause you do some much…um sing at least part of the time…make a musical of your days and someday you might be producing it on broadway…I have a feeling…steal a song if you must..The corn is as high as an elephant’s….you get the gist…love you girl!
Brave and honest words. You sound tired, stressed and sad. Please, please, please take care of yourself. You are the most important person, love yourself more x
How fitting this post is, in rhythm with my own life. I have been exhausted lately.This week my sister Lisa is here to visit and she is here to spend time in nature (the one who visited in January after the loss of her son). While she works in the woodlands and orchard, gathering wood and walking with the deer, I have taken time to rest and do a little cooking. My body and mind simply cannot continue as I have all summer. Normally, I would feel as if I needed to be with her, entertaining her – and we do have time for that after she cleans up in the evening and we eat a fine meal. But it is good for her to be out there in nature, healing her grieving heart, while I rest and regenerate. it is working well… and neither has expectations of the other. We must care for ourselves… even one day of rest or one nap can make a tremendous difference.
I’m so, so glad you’re letting both your sister and yourself find space for quiet and healing, sweet Sundog. You know I think you both need and deserve it!
xoxo,
Kath
It sounds like you understand each other well. Healing takes a long time – in fact I think it is more like adjusting to the new reality than actual healing – loss never really goes away – we just work on wrapping it up in something we can easily carry. Maybe the package gets lighter over time.
Or perhaps that “kick in the pants” could take a slightly different form?
It’s really good you’re already thinking about improving hydration and mental stimulation (so many great ideas here: ) but what if you take a little breathing break when you find you’re losing focus (a sure-fire way to enhance brain/body function: ) Only need take 5 minutes at a time. Maybe just tack it onto your H2O break?
But, to really help ‘clean up’ the blood and make room for all that lovely body-feeding oxygen, be sure the exhalation’s slightly longer than inhalation (and yes, actually keeping count helps: ) Personally, I do a deep and slow, 4 second inhale, then pause a beat before a 5 second exhale – in through the nose, out through the mouth. (I like to think of it as the sound of the surf rushing in and then sliding back out: )
reHydration and reOxygenation (the new R&R; ). Now I’m off to take my own advise. Take care!