Last night Aunty Del gave birth to twins. But one was born dead.
I knew she was close, so I brought her into the barn and settled her. Then left to do some work and give her some time to relax – came back out not even an hour later and there was one little black heifer up already and one dead on the ground. He had not even moved from where birth had left him. He must have been born dead.
I was so angry. If only I had come back out a little earlier. And yes, I know that is a stupid thing to say. But. It was all very fast so there cannot have been any stress. He was perfect. But dead. I could not revive him.
Dead is dead – there is no coming back from it. No matter how one tries.
He was a good size, as is the little heifer. She was up and walking about and drinking by the time I left them.
I am so angry. So disappointed. Sad.
We had a lot of successes this season though – we must not forget that. And Aunty is happy with her baby.
But to lose a twin seems so awful somehow.
Later in the night, the calf was still a bit shivery so I put the little calf cover on her. I keep it (and the larger one) hanging on a hook in the barn so they always smells barny and not freshly washed. It was cold enough for me to see my breath and it does not hurt to keep baby a little warmer. I watched for a while and Del did not mind, she was licking babies head when I left them again.
celi
WEATHER: Rain is coming. Fitting.
Saturday 11/04 70% / 0.14 in
Light rain early…then remaining cloudy with showers in the afternoon. Thunder possible. High around 55F. Winds SSE at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 70%.
Saturday Night 11/04 60% / 0.06 in
Scattered thunderstorms developing overnight. Low around 50F. Winds light and variable. Chance of rain 60%.
Sun
7:27 am 5:44 pm
Moon
Full, 99% visible 6:35 pm 7:39 am
c
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The Kitchen's Garden 
68 responses to “SO ANGRY”
So sorry to hear that.
I know – ah well – moving on from it now
Did a little digging as well and came up with this:
“Although the male twin in this case is only affected by reduced fertility, in over ninety percent of the cases, the female twin is completely infertile.”
So, she still has a 10% chance of NOT being sterile… Not wonderful odds; but not absolute either!
http://www.thecattlesite.com/articles/975/what-is-a-freemartin/
yes.
I am so sorry for the loss of your calf. Please be consoled by all the life on your wonderful farm.
Oh, I am so sorry! But I echo the others in saying there was likely nothing you could have done. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
Oh Cecilia, I too am so sorry for your loss of the little calf. Such a dreadful sight to come upon. As someone above said you may feel you let Auntie Del down but that is not true. You had the prescience to bring her into the barn so she would be comfortable. And just maybe she preferred to give birth alone. All creatures don’t think or feel as we do. And how many farmers in this world would have The foresight to leave the little calf jacket in the barn just so it would smell barnie enough? As someone above also said so beautifully farming is hard on the heart.
There is no way that gets easier. Being angry is a better energy than the deep sadness that could stop you in your tracks. When you hurt that deeply, anger keeps you moving forward. Sending giant squishy hugs to hopefully heal your heart.
Oh no! But most probably there was nothing you could have done, even if you’d been there. These things happen with animals…
It’s at times like this that I’m a true fatalist and not entirely in a negative sense: seems to me that Auntie Del and Ma Nature collaborated and chose that specific time so that you wouldn’t exhaust both body and spirit in trying to revive a calf who was not able to live. While I can’t begin to predict, let alone understand, why things go the way they go, I tend to believe they do so for a reason—just not *my* reason necessarily.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Nature’s implacable and remorseless ways can be hard to bear. I know your latest little heifer will get all the more love & tenderness as she joins Rainbow & Inky on their quest for greatness.
xoxo
K
Don’t be angry with yourself. You might as well blame Aunty Del as yourself… Neither of you was at fault. She produced a perfectly healthy heifer baby, but the poor Bobby wasn’t quite right. What could you do, after all? There is always a reason, it’s just that we often don’t know it, and are angry and frustrated by what we see as a failure. Rejoice in the healthy baby and her clever mama, in all the other calves, and the piglets, and the huge number of people that you make happy every day with your writing and photos. xxx
It’s always, always hard to lose an animal. Always. HUGS!
Oh,Celi, a sad tale indeed. I’ve been thinking of you this morning and decided to come back and let you know. Seems everyone before me expressed so well how I’m thinking so just know I’m there pulling for you too. A new calf is something to celebrate! Enjoy her. — Mame. 🙃
awww I am so sorry Celi- very sad, but as so many have said before me- it’s not your fault…and the fact that you had a barny scented blankie for the wee little heifer speaks volumes about the care you give each and every animal. Bless you.
I’m so sorry, C. How awful that must have been to come upon that. Must have been a shock. We all mourn his loss with you. I’m happy that the female is able to nurse. That is a good sign that Auntie will be able to take care of her. I know you were worried about that. Take care of yourself today. It wasn’t your fault.
I’m sorry the little bobby didn’t make it, whatever the reason, you’ll be heart sore for a while, so take care of yourself. You caught a beautiful moment with mama and baby on the Instagram photo, just beautiful. Warm Aussie hugs.
I am so sorry. To go from a surprise pregnancy to the birth of twins to the frustration and sadness of a stillborn is a wide range of emotions. Very sad but I am glad mama and calf are doing well.