Whisper whisper whisper.. 
Hmm mmm
Thats what she said I said you said! Gossip in the Rat house Paddock.
Daisy was observed lying down in the long grass yesterday and eating at the same time. 
She needs more sleep.
Good morning everyone. I hope you have something exciting planned for the day. We don’t. But as you probably know by now I am not a Going Out for excitement kind of person.
I finally found a man who is raising Hereford pigs. So although Sheila the Babe has not been born yet we have come to an arrangement.
I asked him if he had any Hereford piglets for sale. He cleared his throat. I told him I wanted to find a bright intelligent piglet because I wanted to train her as a Therapy Pig.
He went quite silent on the other end of the phone. For what? he said. I want to train her, I told him. To walk on a harness, and visit retirement homes with me. In fact I want to train my dog to hold her leash and lead her about.
I sell Hereford (pronounced HerFord) Hogs (pronounced Haahgs), ma’am. What was it you wanted.
So I began at the beginning and made it clear that I did indeed want to buy a Herford Haahg. And I apologised for my confusing accent but I was from NZ.
You want to take a hog to NZ? he said.
Oh no. I live about thirty miles for you, I said. Isn’t that brilliant? I have been looking all over for this piglet and there you were nice and close all this time.
Ah he said, less than convinced that this was indeed brilliant. Well, yes, I have a litter due this weekend.
Oh good, I said, I like the Herford, they are nice and quiet but not too big and will make good therapy pigs. I will take her visiting with me.
Getting the hang of it, the very sweet Pig Man (who would, I am sure, rather be called a Hog Farmer than a Swine Herd) said, You do realise they grow to be large animals don’t you?
Absolutely, I said blithely, having had nothing to do with pigs AT ALL in my life. About 400 – 500 pounds I said. I think she will still fit in my car though. Well, it is only a little car but there is less of a step up. I thought I might train her to sit in the front seat, I said. I can put a seat a belt on her and she can oink at other cars as we drive around.
People here never get it when I am telling jokes because they are generally struggling to get past my accent. Or maybe American humour is just different, I don’t know. But I can pretty much say anything and they will agree with this rather dazed sound in their voices.
Yup, he said weakly. Then more silence. But this is not a pot bellied pig you know.
And, I thought, I am just over 110 pounds I am not about to wrestle a 400 pound pig into my front seat am I!
OK maybe the boot, I said, I could build her a bridge, a ramp and she could walk the plank into the boot. They only have short legs aye.
You are going to put boots, he said, rallying. On a hog? (pronounced Haahg remember)
I mean the trunk she could ride in the trunk. I will make a gang plank. She can sit in the back, in the trunk.
Yup, a truck would be better he said. But they are not small. They grow fast.
Letting that one go, I said Oh yes, I am going to feed her up on milk from my cow and hazelnuts from the orchard and good grass. She will be a big healthy girl. And I will train her to sit and stay. And lay about on the verandah like a dog but I need a bright intelligent pig. Can they walk up steps? Is the Mum a bright girl? How much do you charge?
Well, he said, (because you are completely bonkers, I heard him think) I will only charge you a hundred, maybe a hundred and a quarter. Call me back in early May Ma’am and you can come on over. Cecilia I said. Cecilia he parrotted back to me in perfect Kiwi completely mystified!
So there you are. All set!
Good morning
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
93 responses to “Secrets and a chat with a Swine Herd”
This is the funniest post you’ve ever written: I can just imagine what that Haahg farmer said to his wife over tea that day! Your un-surprise package has left the village. 😀
Thank you darlink! I am looking forward to my UnBirthday present!! I know just imagine what he was saying to his wife.. poor fellow is probably terrified of the day i turn up at his farm to choose the bright intelligent piggie he will have picked out for me!! c
Oh Celia, how I wish I had seen this exchange. You know you will be the talk of the community, right? Too funny!!! You might get lucky and have him give you a low price just to get rid of you. Poor farmer has no idea how important this thera
Dang! It cut me off….. How important therapy pigs really are! By the way, I got the postcards in the mail yesterday. They are just as gorgeous as I had hoped. Thank you so much!
Oh thank goodness the postards have arrived! You are very welcome. I do look forward to working with a pig. I hope she fits in.. The other pigs who we will not name are coming from another source.. c
Love it! My only wish is that the hog farmer had his own blog so we could read about it from his point of view! Hysterical!! I think your little piggy is going to be adorable and I suspect you’re going to have him dressed up in little baby clothes when he goes to visit:) xoxo Smidge
What an idea Smidge! Love your new profile pic by the way! c
Thanks! Just off to hot yoga and I’ve a massive hang-over wish me luck! (Can’t let my friend down…)
whast is ‘hot yoga’? please 🙂
It is yoga done in a studio where the heat is elevated.. to just about uncomfortable but tolerable. It is easier to stretch and you sweat a lot! So it must be good for you, but not when I’m feeling a touch sick:)
I love it when you guys talk to each other when i am not HERE!! c
🙂 Ilove the drop-down so I know if someone is commenting! It’s almost like uninstant mssaging:) We only say nice things when you’re not here.. we love you, c xoxo
aha! S
That is so funny, I bet you are the talk of the “town”!! I cannot wait for the pictures where you have a 400lb. plus pig riding in your front seat. I mean Haagh. 😉
~ April
There will certainly be pictures!! c
Celi, I can’t believe you did that:-). The poor man This is my first visit to your blog, so I took some time to browse through your earlier posts. I’m so glad I did that. You’ve created an interesting place to visit and I’ll definitely be back – to see the therapy pig :-). I hope you have a great day. Blessings…Mary
Morning mary and welcome!!! Looking forward to seeing you again! c
Umm, don’t be surprised if your sweet piggie tops out between 600 and 800 pounds, C. You should go visit this farmer and have a look at his sows to get an idea. Be sure your little car can handle that kind of weight, sitting all in one spot.
Not trying to talk you out of it – not that anyone could! – just want you to be prepared!
That poor old man…at least he’ll have a good story for the boys down to the Feed Store this weekend! 😀
My pigs for the freezer will get that big, but the hereford is much smaller, he said about 500 pounds! But you are right even that is a bit much for the wee cooking oil car i think, John has an old van he is thinking of turning into the travelling circus vehicle, I will tell him to put in extra bracing for the fat pig side!! c
Too funny C – I can just imagine what Mr pig Man must be thinking.
Have a beautiful Saturday.
🙂 Mandy
We had a lovely busy sunny saturday mandy, i hope you did too! c
Uh and what was that? What did you want the Hereford for? You probably brightened up his day massively!
Or completely destroyed it.. no-one wants to think about a pig having brains! But he is the pres of the hereford pig association, so maybe he is thrilled to bits.. Morning chris.. c
I thought only in Asia, I had communication problems. LOL I love how you are speaking English and they are completely puzzled….I can send you some really cool outfits from the ladies market for your little piggy….I am sure I would have to get the super XL size. Take Care, BAM
yes evidently we will have to go into the XL’s .. how about sunglasses.. do you think she would need some sunnies? c
For certain sunnies. I will keep my eye open for the complete ensemble.
well done Bam darling, i think the sunnies are imperative. i am leaning towards polka dots! c
That was so very funny. And more so because I can relate 100% to pretty much everything in it apart from the subject matter. I think the NZ and the British sense of humour are pretty similar, but quite tough for “faraners”!
poor wee fella’s.. mystified, and just wait until i turn up in his pig yard in high heels.. then i really will laugh!! xx c
This is a very funny post. I suppose after that conversation the *pig man* might need some therapy!
true, later on we will ‘therapy pig’ him!! ha ha ha c
LOL!I can just imagine what this guy was thinking. I love it. 🙂
morning kristy.. hope he is still answering his phone in may! c
This is hilarious – a haaaaahg. In boots. Brilliant.
You are hilarious. I am a big pig fan and looking forward to photos of your pig wearing her seatbelt.
Pigs are quite bright.. well some pigs are.. so i am quite looking forward to treating a pig like a dog and seeing what happens! c
Hmm, to be honest, I’m not sure if were to sell you one of my piglets after that phone call (not that I have any). I mean, you could be one of those strange people from the internet that you hear about these days.
h aha ha aha.. you are brilliant klaus.. i shall give him the blog address .. that should do it! .. c