Whisper whisper whisper.. 
Hmm mmm
Thats what she said I said you said! Gossip in the Rat house Paddock.
Daisy was observed lying down in the long grass yesterday and eating at the same time. 
She needs more sleep.
Good morning everyone. I hope you have something exciting planned for the day. We don’t. But as you probably know by now I am not a Going Out for excitement kind of person.
I finally found a man who is raising Hereford pigs. So although Sheila the Babe has not been born yet we have come to an arrangement.
I asked him if he had any Hereford piglets for sale. He cleared his throat. I told him I wanted to find a bright intelligent piglet because I wanted to train her as a Therapy Pig.
He went quite silent on the other end of the phone. For what? he said. I want to train her, I told him. To walk on a harness, and visit retirement homes with me. In fact I want to train my dog to hold her leash and lead her about.
I sell Hereford (pronounced HerFord) Hogs (pronounced Haahgs), ma’am. What was it you wanted.
So I began at the beginning and made it clear that I did indeed want to buy a Herford Haahg. And I apologised for my confusing accent but I was from NZ.
You want to take a hog to NZ? he said.
Oh no. I live about thirty miles for you, I said. Isn’t that brilliant? I have been looking all over for this piglet and there you were nice and close all this time.
Ah he said, less than convinced that this was indeed brilliant. Well, yes, I have a litter due this weekend.
Oh good, I said, I like the Herford, they are nice and quiet but not too big and will make good therapy pigs. I will take her visiting with me.
Getting the hang of it, the very sweet Pig Man (who would, I am sure, rather be called a Hog Farmer than a Swine Herd) said, You do realise they grow to be large animals don’t you?
Absolutely, I said blithely, having had nothing to do with pigs AT ALL in my life. About 400 – 500 pounds I said. I think she will still fit in my car though. Well, it is only a little car but there is less of a step up. I thought I might train her to sit in the front seat, I said. I can put a seat a belt on her and she can oink at other cars as we drive around.
People here never get it when I am telling jokes because they are generally struggling to get past my accent. Or maybe American humour is just different, I don’t know. But I can pretty much say anything and they will agree with this rather dazed sound in their voices.
Yup, he said weakly. Then more silence. But this is not a pot bellied pig you know.
And, I thought, I am just over 110 pounds I am not about to wrestle a 400 pound pig into my front seat am I!
OK maybe the boot, I said, I could build her a bridge, a ramp and she could walk the plank into the boot. They only have short legs aye.
You are going to put boots, he said, rallying. On a hog? (pronounced Haahg remember)
I mean the trunk she could ride in the trunk. I will make a gang plank. She can sit in the back, in the trunk.
Yup, a truck would be better he said. But they are not small. They grow fast.
Letting that one go, I said Oh yes, I am going to feed her up on milk from my cow and hazelnuts from the orchard and good grass. She will be a big healthy girl. And I will train her to sit and stay. And lay about on the verandah like a dog but I need a bright intelligent pig. Can they walk up steps? Is the Mum a bright girl? How much do you charge?
Well, he said, (because you are completely bonkers, I heard him think) I will only charge you a hundred, maybe a hundred and a quarter. Call me back in early May Ma’am and you can come on over. Cecilia I said. Cecilia he parrotted back to me in perfect Kiwi completely mystified!
So there you are. All set!
Good morning
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
93 responses to “Secrets and a chat with a Swine Herd”
Well that one put a smile on my face! This episode definitely needs to be included in your book. You are writing a book, aren’t you? I can’t wait to see pictures of the therapy piglet!
this is my book! You get to read it every day.. and yes, the short stories are coming along.. soon soon. c
Ha, I wonder what he told her!
Very funny! 🙂
Oh you’re going to love those piggies! We don’t have them any more so I shall have to enjoy yours from a distance! We used to have two breeding sows who were a Gloucester Old Spot/Wild boar cross. Happy days!
Christine
well i will be tapping on your window for advice then! good to know christine! c
I wouldn’t be surprised if there were relatively many people on-hand when you go in May to view the pigs. “That crazy foreigner is coming by on Saturday. You know the one. She wants to put boots on a pig and take it for rides in her car. She’ll be here around noon. Y’all get here by 11:30 so it don’t look fishy.”
If you see a hundred people at that farm, Celi, just keep driving. I know you won’t but you really should. 🙂
You are brilliant,, i think i really will wear ridiculous heels and a short skirt, and TonTon can come, and i will go .. “oo ick .. there is muck!!” Awesome! c
What a cute gossip photo! Aw!
I loved it too,, they are such a pair .. and it has got quite overlooked with all this talk about pigs! Thank you yummy! c
Done deal 😀 This gave me a chuckle: what a great conversation. Boots on a haag, indeed.
You have me laughing this morning, celi. Love the idea of Sheila in th epassenger seat oinking at the other cars. And of Ton Ton leading her on a leash. I;ve always adored pigs so look forward to the new addition to the farmy.
I would have sooo loved to be there for that conversation lol
I would fly over (if I could) just to be there when you see him in May.
I will check the skies!! c
I am definitely going to train Ton to lead her.. that is actually doable i think! c
There’s a glitch that’s keeping me from clicking “like,” but I do. I know of a pig in my area that was trained to do advanced obedience.
I would love to get in touch with this person.. they would be very helpful! c
Too funny!
I’m originally from central Illinois, so I can have some fun here!
Yup. lemme tell ya guys, I got this here call from some crazy lady said she wuz from New Zeelund. But yet only lived 30 mile from here. Well, she said she wanted one a my haahgs…she couldn’t say herfurd right…to train! I tell ya. ’bout dropped the phone right there! Said something bout puttin it in the front seat of her car…I’m tellin ya…then I thought she said something ’bout puttin boots on the dang thing! But she was talkin ’bout the trunk o’ the car…dangdest thing I ever heard!
I told her to call agin in early May…yup…I’ll tell ya when she’s a’comin. Y’all can come see fer yerselves!
You are hysterical harold.. you got that down just right.. DANG!!! c
Haawg (TX accent) wild over this one! Just hysterical. I know farmers. I know service animals – I know your sense of humor! (I have a feeling Daisy just shakes her head at your antics sometimes). Can’t wait for the new arrival.
AND we have to wait until may, mouse.. (sad impatient face) c
BAHAHAHAH. Just plain good fun!
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
This reminds me of when we first moved to the UK. We’d bought an old house built in 1520 with slipping slate tiles on the roof and death watch beetle blow-holes in the beams. I went to the village builders merchant and ask for a faucet. He played stupid, teasing until I had to draw a stick picture of what he called a tap. From then on I brought along a pencil and paper and semi-jokingly drew what I wanted for the daft old sod.
Good night!
Oh Misky..that is so funny, and i bet he loved that you kept drawing him pictures, bet there was a twinkle in his eye.. c
This is so funny. You will be the ‘crazy Kiwi’ throughout the district. A therapy pig! – and in a Kiwi accent. I can never understand why they don’t understand us, after all we Kiwis understand any kind of American accent, British, Scottish and even Australian!
exactly.. if you can understand an aussie accent you can understand anything.. see ya digger!! c
Hazelnut orchard!!?? Got any for sale?
And it’s not you. It’s him 😉
Morning bela, my hazelnuts are still small, but we expect great growth this year!! c
It would be fantastic to have a good hazelnut connection. Would you keep me posted?
For sure Bela, I can start taking cuttings from the off shoots in a year or so I think.. c
Yes! If life has taught me anything, it’s that I ‘can’ wait 😉
You do know I’m interested in the nuts, not the trees?