My mother died when I was a young Mum, very young actually, I was in my early 20’s with four children already. Then a baby girl later, who never met her Nan. But we all know that. What we forget is that Mum was the mother to 5 other children, two of whom were girls. She was OUR mother. She left three daughters, very young women all. And Mum was young too… 49 (actually she was 50 but she said to say 49. It is more dramatic, she whispered – cancer did not interfere with her sense of humour.) But my little sister was still a teenager when her Mum died.
50 is such a rich time in a woman’s life because 50 is very close to the Change of Life. The Big Secret. The Witching time. The aging. The Menopause. I know this is a shocking word. Menopause. I know by saying this word many of you turn off. You become furtive, what if they think we are obsolete if we are infertile, you think. Many of you look over your shoulder and hope ‘The Men’ are not reading. We live in a society that worships youth. The menopausal woman has been trained to Shut Up about it. But I have no idea what to expect. My Mum never reached menopause. So my map is incomplete. If she had, Mum would have known what to say to me and my sisters. But my Mum is not here. Mum is not here to say that Menopause is OK, it is not dirty or sad. It is a beginning time. Or is it a long time? I don’t know.
But what am I to tell my little sister? What shall I tell her? How shall I draw the pathway that she will follow. I am the oldest. I want to write a letter for my sisters.
So I thought I would ask you. Many of you have mothers who can teach us, many of you are old enough to be able to tell me real stuff I can pass on to my sisters. Many of you have gone through the woman-a-pause and are in a gentler phase. Many of you are men who have been through the menopause with your mothers, or your wives. Many of you are young women watching your own mothers struggle or not struggle. Maybe menopause is simple for some women. Did you feel the need to buy a red sports car? Did you have dizziness or hot faces? Were you a little drifty and forgetful? Or did you want to yell and stomp? Do you still? Were you terribly tired? Or manic with an itchy foot? Did you think that if you had to make one more dinner for a silent man you would shoot somebody? Maybe I will have no trouble at all? Maybe my sister won’t have any problems either. But she is half a world away and she has no mother. What shall I tell her?
I know this is a taboo subject but I don’t care. We need to gather our information. This is what I thought.
Then I thought; this is such a wonderful subject, such an empowering subject, there is so much I want to know, you and I are sure to have so much to say. The comments section will be heaving. Then I thought: what if I were to turn the comments section into a book for my sister and THEN I thought. Let’s WRITE a BOOK. You and I and all the Fellowship. We can write a book together. Let’s collect 100 essays about Menopause,100 anecdotes, 100 mad things, or funny things, or poems or paintings, or telling things your aunts said or your granny told you or your mother experienced or you have felt. I am not going to call it The Change. I am not going to whisper it. I refuse to think that running out of eggs in my ovaries means I am less powerful than I was yesterday. Maybe I am more powerful.
I know you are wondering what this has to do with a farm journal blog. Um.. looking deeply.. nope.. Nothing!! But it has everything to do with you and I. And I know for sure that many of you have no mothers, or your mothers cannot speak about these things, I know that many of you have something to say about this. Many of you have been through it. Many of you are IN it. And many of you are stronger for it. Many of you have been silenced by it. Tell me. Write it down for me. So I can collect all your words into one glorious letter to my sister.
Are you brave enough. Do yu want to add your words? Do you have a sister or a daughter or a mother? Shall we make a book? I cannot pay you. I have no money for this. Though I think we will find it then pay them back. But I don’t care about that either. But I feel deeply that we should write it. You and I. You can write a short or long essay. And you should all get a credit. I think we should yank this subject out from under its rock. I know that you and I will probably have to buy the copies to give to our sisters and daughters and nieces, just to pay for the printing. But will you write something? Will you leave you name on the bottom of the paragraph? Your voice is important. Clever writing is not important. Grammar is not important. Length is not important. Spelling is not important. (Spell check does great things.) Punctuation is not even important. YOU are important. 12 words or 1200. Every voice is worth listening to because we all go through this one way or another. We are totally equal in the progression of womanhood.
Are you brave enough? You can all write. Everyone can write. Will you write something?
Make a comment. Even if you have never commented before. Let me know what you think and I will email you with more details. Shall we write a book together.. you and I?
If you cannot comment but want to join, my email is celima.g.7@gmail.com
There is no-one else like you. No-one else sees it like you do. That is how important you are.
Your friend on the farmy,
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
152 responses to “A letter for my sister”
I am also on ‘the other side’ and will add my little saga later but first, do you know that our too-modest Charlotte (no, not THAT Charlotte) of The Daily Cure, has produced such a book? It’s called ‘Ripe’ and it got me through menopause and aging with its wisdom and insights and humor all beautifully illustrated. I hope it’s still in print for anyone here who will now go looking for it!
yes, Charlotte is sending me a copy, she is marvellous and was one of the catalysts of this idea! You can buy it on amazon I think, i will find out. maybe we should collect a list of good books to read and poop that in The Book too.
I’d like to contribute. Have to have a bit of a think first… And It doesn’t feel weird at all to talk about such things here. We’re a fellowship, after all. 🙂
Susan you are so right! What a wonderful collection of people we have here. Don’t think too much. Just let it flow and email me the result.. celima.g.7@gmail.com. 1200 words max (if you can) ..c
I’ve been ‘in it’ for seven years now. Seven years of hot flushes, the night ones being the worst. I’ll tell you what though, this menopause malarkey ain’t half as bad as PUBERTY!!!
Christine
can i print that? .. wonderful! c
Sure!
Christine
Oh yes, I’m in. I am in the middle of it and have a sister 11 years older who is my beacon of hope. My mother also went through a hysterectomy when she was my age, so no information for me there. Three years so far of night sweats, hot flashes the lot, and the worst part for me, no libido. I’m going to come right out and say it, I really miss my libido the most! My husband is a good and patient man, and for this I am grateful. But its hard for him too. My sister says what follows is a period of menopausal zest, whatever that means…I am unwilling to believe that I need drugs to fix this, as it is not a disease. It is a natural part of life. Like you Celi, I work hard on the farm, and push through the changes that are happening to me. Somewhere inside all of this change is a certain power. I am freed to be me. More outspoken, more truthful. Blunt, if you will. Not as willing to give quarter, or pretend. I am becoming the Crone. The Wise One. Our youth driven culture seems to have no respect for the wisdom of its elders. Maybe your\our book will help change this! I’m proud to contribute!
wonderful maggie, when you are ready just send me whatever comes to mind, I will email the details soon.. thank you.. c
Great idea! My mom had an emergency hysterectomy after I was born, so I’m flying blind about menopause, too, except for the rare comments from my father in law who refers to it as menohell.
I want to contribute. I’m in the middle of it, brought on prematurely and hard by chemotherapy. My mother and two of my older sisters never saw a natural menopause because they had hysterectomies. I had no idea what or when to expect, and still don’t… I’d like to hear about other peoples’ experiences to see if what’s happening to me is ‘normal’ or ‘induced’. Count me in. You have my email address…
Would love to contribute. On the other side of menopause and can tell you that these are the best years ever,
My mom died at 58 and I am almost 45. But we never talked about this, either. Of course, I will write.
I will happily share both my experience and my mom’s. Mom had a very hard time physically during the transition into menopause. I really dreaded it, despite how ready I am to not deal with monthly periods. I have had a much easier time if only I had not gone a full year and gotten my certificate – just to have my body surprise me the following month.
The worst part is that my hips have filled in. The fat tire around the middle. As if since I don’t have working ovaries, I don’t need a hip to balance a baby. And then came grandchildren that keep sliding down my leg without a ledge to rest on.
Can i file that as is?! I love it.. (or do you want to extend) we need piles of laughs in this book.. c
File or improve how you like. ~Joan
Ahh what a time, I’m 56 and I started when I was about 48, my monthly’s were always quite heavy, but for a few years they were awful and really affected my life I had to take iron tablets could not wear white, don’t mean to be crude ha ha didn’t have any help, just told I had fibroids and to wait till the end of the menopause when they would shrink. Had really hot flushes ohh I remember being out at lovely restaurants and my big red perspiring face looking back at me from some artfully placed mirror sweat dripping off me, sleepless nights, first the duvets on then it’s off! But to tell the truth I didn’t get mood swings well not that I can remember. Didn’t have a monthly for about 6 months then it would come back and stay for about a month if not longer then nothing again for about a year, then back again. but I have been free now of all symptoms and no monthly’s for about four years, I have a very occasional hot flush but nothing like they used to be, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t take hrt or any meds. sorry if this is a bit of a muddle haven’t done this before x
My mom went through it at 39 and I was told by doctors that as a daughter you will probably go through it at the same time. But I will be 54 this year and I went through it from 51-52 and think I am past it at this point. Mom said it was no big deal for her, no big issues that she could remember. I had a few night sweats and definitely noticeable hormone surges just before and during this time, some forgetfulness and was more prone to weepiness, but nothing debilitating. The worst thing, really, has been some definite weight gain and “rearranging” around the middle, which I’m still fighting and it doesn’t want to leave! (Sitting at the computer for such long periods definitely contributes to this.) I’ve also noticed a little less elasticity in skin, etc., but that could just be age. I have to say that on this side of menopause I am experiencing a renewed sense of empowerment, confidence and found energy that is really exciting. In some ways I feel younger now than I did in my forties. It really feels like there is another dimension of the world and life to experience and explore.
Good point above, the tapering off of periods can be really disconcerting. I, too, experienced having one…then six months, then two…then six months and so forth. Doctor told me that you must go a full 18 months without one to be considered through menopause and I have a month to go. Didn’t take any drugs, just vitamins.
I am one of those ‘oh so fortunate ones’ who had very few symptoms, of which I am oh so thankful for! But I do have a story to add to the wonderfully important book! xo
I’m in too C. after a bit of reflection first. I will await your instructions. You know, I think my husband is going through MANopause…can we talk about that? 🙂
Oh count me in too, Celi. I’ll email my bit.
Just wondering–do cows, pigs, ewes experience menopause too? I guess this is a weird question, but all my dogs and cats were altered or spayed, so I don’t even know if they would have experienced menopause.
Not so long ago, I finally got up the nerve to ask my vet if dogs and cats have belly buttons, and if they do, how come I can’t find any.
Hey – what did you vet say about the belly buttons? Now I want to know too! 😉