My mother died when I was a young Mum, very young actually, I was in my early 20’s with four children already. Then a baby girl later, who never met her Nan. But we all know that. What we forget is that Mum was the mother to 5 other children, two of whom were girls. She was OUR mother. She left three daughters, very young women all. And Mum was young too… 49 (actually she was 50 but she said to say 49. It is more dramatic, she whispered – cancer did not interfere with her sense of humour.) But my little sister was still a teenager when her Mum died.
50 is such a rich time in a woman’s life because 50 is very close to the Change of Life. The Big Secret. The Witching time. The aging. The Menopause. I know this is a shocking word. Menopause. I know by saying this word many of you turn off. You become furtive, what if they think we are obsolete if we are infertile, you think. Many of you look over your shoulder and hope ‘The Men’ are not reading. We live in a society that worships youth. The menopausal woman has been trained to Shut Up about it. But I have no idea what to expect. My Mum never reached menopause. So my map is incomplete. If she had, Mum would have known what to say to me and my sisters. But my Mum is not here. Mum is not here to say that Menopause is OK, it is not dirty or sad. It is a beginning time. Or is it a long time? I don’t know.
But what am I to tell my little sister? What shall I tell her? How shall I draw the pathway that she will follow. I am the oldest. I want to write a letter for my sisters.
So I thought I would ask you. Many of you have mothers who can teach us, many of you are old enough to be able to tell me real stuff I can pass on to my sisters. Many of you have gone through the woman-a-pause and are in a gentler phase. Many of you are men who have been through the menopause with your mothers, or your wives. Many of you are young women watching your own mothers struggle or not struggle. Maybe menopause is simple for some women. Did you feel the need to buy a red sports car? Did you have dizziness or hot faces? Were you a little drifty and forgetful? Or did you want to yell and stomp? Do you still? Were you terribly tired? Or manic with an itchy foot? Did you think that if you had to make one more dinner for a silent man you would shoot somebody? Maybe I will have no trouble at all? Maybe my sister won’t have any problems either. But she is half a world away and she has no mother. What shall I tell her?
I know this is a taboo subject but I don’t care. We need to gather our information. This is what I thought.
Then I thought; this is such a wonderful subject, such an empowering subject, there is so much I want to know, you and I are sure to have so much to say. The comments section will be heaving. Then I thought: what if I were to turn the comments section into a book for my sister and THEN I thought. Let’s WRITE a BOOK. You and I and all the Fellowship. We can write a book together. Let’s collect 100 essays about Menopause,100 anecdotes, 100 mad things, or funny things, or poems or paintings, or telling things your aunts said or your granny told you or your mother experienced or you have felt. I am not going to call it The Change. I am not going to whisper it. I refuse to think that running out of eggs in my ovaries means I am less powerful than I was yesterday. Maybe I am more powerful.
I know you are wondering what this has to do with a farm journal blog. Um.. looking deeply.. nope.. Nothing!! But it has everything to do with you and I. And I know for sure that many of you have no mothers, or your mothers cannot speak about these things, I know that many of you have something to say about this. Many of you have been through it. Many of you are IN it. And many of you are stronger for it. Many of you have been silenced by it. Tell me. Write it down for me. So I can collect all your words into one glorious letter to my sister.
Are you brave enough. Do yu want to add your words? Do you have a sister or a daughter or a mother? Shall we make a book? I cannot pay you. I have no money for this. Though I think we will find it then pay them back. But I don’t care about that either. But I feel deeply that we should write it. You and I. You can write a short or long essay. And you should all get a credit. I think we should yank this subject out from under its rock. I know that you and I will probably have to buy the copies to give to our sisters and daughters and nieces, just to pay for the printing. But will you write something? Will you leave you name on the bottom of the paragraph? Your voice is important. Clever writing is not important. Grammar is not important. Length is not important. Spelling is not important. (Spell check does great things.) Punctuation is not even important. YOU are important. 12 words or 1200. Every voice is worth listening to because we all go through this one way or another. We are totally equal in the progression of womanhood.
Are you brave enough? You can all write. Everyone can write. Will you write something?
Make a comment. Even if you have never commented before. Let me know what you think and I will email you with more details. Shall we write a book together.. you and I?
If you cannot comment but want to join, my email is celima.g.7@gmail.com
There is no-one else like you. No-one else sees it like you do. That is how important you are.
Your friend on the farmy,
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
152 responses to “A letter for my sister”
Excellent project. I’m in, and will contribute something if I can and am a definite buyer for a copy of the book, as I too have no mother or grandmothers to look to for experience. When I was in my late 30’s my aunt gave me a very sad looking ‘what to expect’ book and I said no thanks – so something, anything than that is better to shed light and wisdom on menopause. My issue has been dissuading bloody doctors since I turned 40 that everything is about peri-menopause and to just suck it up… I’ll gather my thoughts and email you the rest.
hi celi! i never knew menopause was a taboo word! my mom died when i was 9 so there is lots of stuff i never knew. i didn’t even know my correct shoe size until i worked in a shoe store in my early 20’s. i went through menopause and never saw a doctor. i would love to join in!
This would of been great for me when I was going through the menopause, the advice for fans by the bed and herbal supplements would of been really helpful, so it’s great to think this can help others. What a great idea. x
I now pass that stage, i had it easy-just a few weeks of he-be-ge-be’s and it was over, no more monthlies. Now my sister has threatened to kill me because she has gone through over a year of hot flashes and everything else.
(still trying to type one handed–3 more weeks with broken arm in cast)
Sandra Coffman
What a wonderful Idea! I’m more than happy to share. Menopause started for me at 46 and hasn’t been too bad a few power surges but the most change was I’d burst into tears (not like me at all) and have to say oh don’t’ worry about me it’s just menopause it is the most weirdest thing ever to feel a little sad (not down or depressed) or even feeling over joyed the jolly tears flow. It’s wonderful not having a period each month and after 11 months of no period wham hello “I’m back” for one month and none again. I highly recommend the book Menopausal Years The Wise Woman Way by Susun Weed. LOVE her approach and I’ve chosen to just go with the flow of the weird hormone changes. Take days off to just be if needed (usually in the garden) and not fight the power surges or weepy times. I can honestly say I’ve actually enjoyed going through the change – for me its been like a new awakening, a new journey – finding my inner mojo – by being quite and taking time for me (which as a mum when younger we can’t all do that) its set me on a new path. One I never would of thought I’d do in my career corporate days of being a bank manager. I’m currently studying to be naturopath and loving the journey.
Love this idea and at 30 welcome the stories!
When I was a teenager, my mother got weird. In those days, I did not even know about menopause, much less talk about it. It was the CHANGE….whispered and never really talked about. As an only child, I never even thought about it until it happened to me. I had just remarried when, at 51, I started getting a little weird, too. My poor husband thought he had married an angel only to be confronted with an unstable, growling beast after a few months. I had a doctor who told me to just suck it up since those hormone pills just gave me terrible side effects. (of course he was a man). Kill, Kill. Now, at 75 I am still a little weird, but have discovered the world of bio identicals. Sure, Celi….would love to join the discussion.
i would love to be a part of this. i am a mother, daughter of a mother who has passed, sister to a sister that has passed, mother to 3 girls, and grandmother to 6. email me at ksbethk@gmail.com when you are ready. wonderful idea. ) beth
I am 78 years old. Menopause could have cost me my life I am a breast cancer survivor. I remember the exact time and place I had my first menopausal symptom. Hot flashes and nausea. I thought I was getting the flu. My skin was so sensitive I could only wear the thinnest cotton or linen clothes (and that in minus thirty below zero weather.) I could not bear anyone to touch me. There wasn’t any real information about menopause available at that time. My gynecologist put me on hormone replacement therapy. It took more than a year to get the dosage right. During that time I was bleeding heavily and almost constantly. When the medication finally worked I was so grateful to have all the menopause symptoms end. I had no idea I would pay a terrible price because of the medication.
Seven years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was fortunate that a mammogram caught it in the very early stage. I had a lumpectomy, and six weeks of radiation. I was put on Tamoxifen. I was on Tamoxifen for three years. The side effects were so horrific I had no quality of life. I had hot flashes every twenty minutes or so – 24 hours a day. Every hot flash made me feel deathly ill. I refused to take Tamoxifen any longer and was put on Letrazole. The side effects of this drug were extreme joint paint. It became so debilitating I couldn’t lift my arms and had problems walking. Eight months was enough so back to Tamoxifen to finish out the five years of treatment.
When I started treatment I was told I had breast cancer because of the hormone replacement therapy. I felt guilty and angry – what felt what I was going through was my fault because I wasn’t strong enough to handle the symptoms of menopause. It was a bitter pill to swallow. Made doubly so because six months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my daughter was diagnosed with cervical cancer. All I could think was how could I look after her and deal with my cancer at the same time. I survived by focusing completely on my daughter. I nursed her, never leaving her side until she passed away at home in my arms.
So here am I. This year I will be 79 years old. I am experiencing all kinds of things that no one tells you about. Menopause is part of the aging process. Time passe and other things happen to your body. Bladder control and getting up several times in the night to urinate. The lining of your vagina becomes thin – like the backs of your hands. Because of this you are prone to urinary infections. Intercourse can be painful. Taking Replens helps all this. I speak very openly to my friends and find many who didn’t realize there was help for aging problems. Generally because they are too embarrassed to discuss this with their doctor or professional care giver. The internet is a wonderful source of information too. Most important I maintain a positive, cheerful attitude . I refuse to think of myself as old. Just older.
The menopause has EVERYTHING to do with your blog! 🙂 Every day your farm journal is filled with tales about life and changes – big and small – and seasons. Just like menopause.
Best wishes.
I am ALL IN! You say the when and how HUGS Eunice
I’m well and truly in Cronesville, and although there’s not a lot to tell, I’d love to be part of the conversation. I think too that a positive off shoot of it is the opportunity the Fellowship women will have to talk, even briefly, of how it is to be ‘motherless’, for whatever reasons, the removal of so many uteruses….uteri?….often unnecessarily….and the collective grief around these experiences, and to be supported and heard by others who know and understand.
Oh please count me in also. For my mother menopause was living hell. For me the biggest ball . . . . probably the best years of my life . . . . long, long ago!! Yes, I too went thru’ breast cancer some 11 years ago, well after the menopause . . . . did not allow that to make any difference either [and I refused Tamoxiphen and put myself onto Chinese Traditional Medicine instead . . . well you must realize how obstinate I can be by now! ] . . . . OK, back to bed with a mug of coffee ~ we have just lost our Summer Daylight Saving and I do not like that one little bit 🙂 !
Oh Eha, thank goodness for you. I had forgotten all about the daylight savings change 🙂
EllaDee ~ why do you think I was on the computer at 7 am – it was so cloudy here and dark and I could not figure out immediately whether my bedroom clocks were changed 🙂 !! Remembered the Change, too stupid to remember whether I had [Yes!!] !!!
> Celi ~ As you are going to be one more busy lady – how long roughly – page, two, less with all those who have promised to be ‘in’? ‘Humorous’ or ‘real’, just an episode or ‘story from my viewpoint’?
it will be a fantastic story in our episode… c
I love this idea! I hope I can work on something to contribute. I want to share my experiences in case it helps some who come after.
I’m in and I have something in mind for it. magitch1@comcast.net.
It’s hard to be without your mom. My mom made it to 68 and I still feel cheated. xoxoxo