My mother died when I was a young Mum, very young actually, I was in my early 20’s with four children already. Then a baby girl later, who never met her Nan. But we all know that. What we forget is that Mum was the mother to 5 other children, two of whom were girls. She was OUR mother. She left three daughters, very young women all. And Mum was young too… 49 (actually she was 50 but she said to say 49. It is more dramatic, she whispered – cancer did not interfere with her sense of humour.) But my little sister was still a teenager when her Mum died.
50 is such a rich time in a woman’s life because 50 is very close to the Change of Life. The Big Secret. The Witching time. The aging. The Menopause. I know this is a shocking word. Menopause. I know by saying this word many of you turn off. You become furtive, what if they think we are obsolete if we are infertile, you think. Many of you look over your shoulder and hope ‘The Men’ are not reading. We live in a society that worships youth. The menopausal woman has been trained to Shut Up about it. But I have no idea what to expect. My Mum never reached menopause. So my map is incomplete. If she had, Mum would have known what to say to me and my sisters. But my Mum is not here. Mum is not here to say that Menopause is OK, it is not dirty or sad. It is a beginning time. Or is it a long time? I don’t know.
But what am I to tell my little sister? What shall I tell her? How shall I draw the pathway that she will follow. I am the oldest. I want to write a letter for my sisters.
So I thought I would ask you. Many of you have mothers who can teach us, many of you are old enough to be able to tell me real stuff I can pass on to my sisters. Many of you have gone through the woman-a-pause and are in a gentler phase. Many of you are men who have been through the menopause with your mothers, or your wives. Many of you are young women watching your own mothers struggle or not struggle. Maybe menopause is simple for some women. Did you feel the need to buy a red sports car? Did you have dizziness or hot faces? Were you a little drifty and forgetful? Or did you want to yell and stomp? Do you still? Were you terribly tired? Or manic with an itchy foot? Did you think that if you had to make one more dinner for a silent man you would shoot somebody? Maybe I will have no trouble at all? Maybe my sister won’t have any problems either. But she is half a world away and she has no mother. What shall I tell her?
I know this is a taboo subject but I don’t care. We need to gather our information. This is what I thought.
Then I thought; this is such a wonderful subject, such an empowering subject, there is so much I want to know, you and I are sure to have so much to say. The comments section will be heaving. Then I thought: what if I were to turn the comments section into a book for my sister and THEN I thought. Let’s WRITE a BOOK. You and I and all the Fellowship. We can write a book together. Let’s collect 100 essays about Menopause,100 anecdotes, 100 mad things, or funny things, or poems or paintings, or telling things your aunts said or your granny told you or your mother experienced or you have felt. I am not going to call it The Change. I am not going to whisper it. I refuse to think that running out of eggs in my ovaries means I am less powerful than I was yesterday. Maybe I am more powerful.
I know you are wondering what this has to do with a farm journal blog. Um.. looking deeply.. nope.. Nothing!! But it has everything to do with you and I. And I know for sure that many of you have no mothers, or your mothers cannot speak about these things, I know that many of you have something to say about this. Many of you have been through it. Many of you are IN it. And many of you are stronger for it. Many of you have been silenced by it. Tell me. Write it down for me. So I can collect all your words into one glorious letter to my sister.
Are you brave enough. Do yu want to add your words? Do you have a sister or a daughter or a mother? Shall we make a book? I cannot pay you. I have no money for this. Though I think we will find it then pay them back. But I don’t care about that either. But I feel deeply that we should write it. You and I. You can write a short or long essay. And you should all get a credit. I think we should yank this subject out from under its rock. I know that you and I will probably have to buy the copies to give to our sisters and daughters and nieces, just to pay for the printing. But will you write something? Will you leave you name on the bottom of the paragraph? Your voice is important. Clever writing is not important. Grammar is not important. Length is not important. Spelling is not important. (Spell check does great things.) Punctuation is not even important. YOU are important. 12 words or 1200. Every voice is worth listening to because we all go through this one way or another. We are totally equal in the progression of womanhood.
Are you brave enough? You can all write. Everyone can write. Will you write something?
Make a comment. Even if you have never commented before. Let me know what you think and I will email you with more details. Shall we write a book together.. you and I?
If you cannot comment but want to join, my email is celima.g.7@gmail.com
There is no-one else like you. No-one else sees it like you do. That is how important you are.
Your friend on the farmy,
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
152 responses to “A letter for my sister”
I’ll tell you here, in your comments section, because it’s simple for me. Perhaps because I haven’t hit menopause myself yet I’m still a bit naive, but I’ve watched my mother and sister go through it. For my mother, menopause cured the monthly migraines I watched her suffer during her periods for my whole life, and for my sister it saved her life. She had uterine cancer, and a full hysterectomy was the first step in what was a long and difficult battle. Yes, she had hot flashes, and got moody sometimes… But it was a tiny price to pay. I don’t see menopause as a thing to hush up, or dread. It’s a change from one phase of life to another, just like when we all first got our periods as early teens.
In some ways I see menopause as freedom. I’ve had my children, I’m finished with all that junk in my trunk. It’s only use now is to torture me with monthly bleeding and the omnipresent fear of the uterine cancer that plagued my sister. Frankly, I can’t wait for menopause to take all of that away.
The fear, dread, or shame that some menopausal women feel, I think (of course I’m no expert…), is a hold over from a time when menopause meant not just that you are no longer fertile, but that you had nothing left to give to society, and therefore nothing to do but wait to die. This is not today. We are women, we are strong, we outlive our male counterparts, and at some point we stop having periods.
And that’s all there is to that.
I think its a great idea and I would love to contribute to your “letter to my sister”. I went through menopause over ten years ago, (now in my late 60’s) with headaches being the only thing I suffered from. I knew very little about it as my mother was killed in a road accident when I was 2 and my very Victorian grandmother brought me up until I was eleven and even when my periods first started she could not talk about it. Back in those days, in the 50’s, the internet would have been such a blessing. I was an only child and my dear old Dad would not have known about such things. Joy Email me at joyevelynwagner@gmail.com
P.S. Daylight saving has finished – YAY (sorry Eha and Ella Dee) 🙂
My mother died at 57, when I was 27. But she had had a full hysterectomy when I was about 2. I can talk about how her doctors failed her in dealing with a lack of hormones at such a young age, but talking about ‘the change’ wasn’t an option. My only sister is three years older, but our anatomy isn’t similar so I don’t know if she’ll be of help. I want to know what everyone else has experienced, too.
Only recently discovered your exquisite heartfelt words and images, Celi. Love to contribute and weigh in on both the darkness and the light that marks the journey to cronehood.
Hi Celi, This is a brilliant idea. I wrote a book about this back in 2000 and early did collaborative art projects and a small book called Croneologies about women going through menopause. It’s a powerful theme. I’d be happy to contribute when I come into some clear space – very busy right now with a big project!
OK. Here I am late to the party again. What a good idea. Will think and email later. My mom rarely said anything to me. (She had long long heavy last period and finally no choice but a hysterectomy)
But I will say, menopause , while annoying and irritating( and stupid gaining weight if you even look at food) , wasn’t such a big deal. (Women should have their thyroid levels checked during this time – problems there will make everything worse.) Exercise, veggies, sunlight and fresh air are critical.
It’s kinda like a big cliff everyone shivers and warns about – and you fretting while standing on the edge – worrying constantly when it’s going to fall out from under you – how terrible it’s going to be – until one day you realize you stepped off that cliff long time ago and have been happily soaring in clear blue.
Will ponder this further, but like I say, I can’t add much..except cotton and natural fibers!
Count me in, anything that helps people understand what we women have to go through is a good thing. I have just started down the menopause road and whilst some of the symptoms are far from pleasant I for one am happy to be able to experience them as this may not have been the case,
Love the little pig. I want one!!!!
I’m past menopause and had few symptoms , having had a hysterectomy at 34. The fifties was a great decade for me. I have a story and will share. This is a wonderful idea.
I’m amazed how many people went through the same experience I did. I.e., a mom who had a hysterectomy around 40. Seems they were handing them out like candy back then. My account is “in the e-mail”…What a GREAT collection of anecdotes. Great great great!!!
Yes, already we can see some parallels that deserve a closer look.. this is going to be a priceless collection.. c
I kind-of lack the equipment or experience to do any of the writing, but I think the result would be of considerable value to men as well. They don’t really know all that much about it.
Oh, and if you need an editing/layout consultant …
As always C, you are full of brilliant ideas!
My mom and her sister have both been through menopause, my mom at 50 and my aunt at about 55. My mom breezed through it and never had a moments problems with it – here’s hoping I can follow in mom’s footsteps, although I do have the complication of having a bicornuate unicollis uteris – in English, I don’t have a uterus I have two and sadly not having had any children, I am not sure what to expect with the upside hormones. My aunt took a bit longer to get through her menopause but also didn’t battle terribly with anything either. I don’t remember mom or my aunt ever mentioning anything, not even a night sweat. Both mom and aunt never took any hormones or the like either, except for a homoeopathic cream of sorts. I will chat with mom and get back to you with more information.
Have a beautiful day C.
🙂 Mandy xo
Just found your blog about a month ago and am in love with it. Your writing and photography can sometimes take my breath away.
Would also love to contribute! I will be turning 55 in August and since December 2013, have now gone a full year without my period. Hurray!!! Am single, never had children, never really felt the need, so the whole “I’m no longer a woman” feeling has never been felt by me. I feel free! Oh, and everyone gets so worked up worrying about the symptoms (hot flashes, irritability, insomnia, etc), but fail to realize that (I believe) only 50% of women even experience ANY menopausal symptoms and of that 50%, many are minor. Myself, my face would flush every once in a while (maybe once every couple of months) and was hot to the touch and would last a half hour to an hour. While uncomfortable, it really was no big deal. I’m certainly not diminishing others’ symptoms as I know a few friends that between hot flashes and insomnia, felt pretty miserable. Just saying it may not ever happen to you so why worry beforehand!
did you put this in an email to send to me?
[…] writing a brief essay about my mom’s and my experiences with menopause for The Kitchen Garden, which I read but do not typically comment on. She had an interesting idea of compiling a bunch of […]
I am almost 49 and in the midst of all the aging fun. Tell your sister there is more to it than hot flashes and night sweats. There is insomnia, anxiety, heart palpitations and so much more. But…it really is no big deal. This too shall pass and in the meantime there are fewer cramps, less PMS and less money spent on tampons. It all evens out and really, we can’t avoid it so just go with the flow, or away from the flow. Ha!