FEELING BLOODY
When my mother was ‘feeling bloody’ she meant feeling bloody determined.
Written earlier in the morning:
“Well, my usual driver is unable to drive the trailer for me today so I am going to have to Man Up and hook up the stock trailer and deliver my hog myself. I am trying to feel bloody about it.
I have driven the stock trailer around the block often enough so it really is only about 50 times that, then 50 times that home again. So even though I find the whole idea scary – Fear is the only thing bothering me. And it is irrational. Fear f driving a truck and stock trailer is irrational.
Evidently, I just drive the truck and the trailer follows me. 
And once I have done it once I don’t need help again. That is good, right. I can do it all by myself.
Later: I wrote the above before I launched off into the dark driving the big truck and towing the big trailer with the big sold hog inside. It was a two hour round trip: returning through a misty dawn. But I did it. And as I drove back up my drive at the end of my journey, I realised that I know NO MORE about driving now than I did five years ago. I could have been driving my animals around myself for years! But fear (and that was all it was) made me overly cautious and had me begging for help.
Once I hit home I backed the trailer back up to the gate, milked the cows and fed the pigs and chickens and now I am filling all the water barrels and preparing for the days work.
Coffee first though. It is only 9.30am and time for COFFEE!
I know it is a Nike slogan but FEAR REALLY IS MY ENEMY.
Right – I am off out to shift the hose then I will get on with that coffee.
Love celi
WEATHER. Lovely.
Monday 10/09 10% / 0 in
Generally sunny despite a few afternoon clouds. High around 80F. Winds light and variable.
Monday Night 10/09 30% / 0.02 in
Mostly cloudy skies with a few showers late. Low 58F. Winds NE at 5 to 10 mph. Chance of rain 30%.
Sun
6:58 am 6:21 pm
Moon
Waning Gibbous, 77% visible 9:29 pm 11:09 am
32 Comments on “FEELING BLOODY”
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thekitchensgarden 
you are so right! we talk ourselves into the fear…good job and now go out and have a lovely day!
2 thoughts, no 3, come to mind. You have nothing to fear, but fear itself. You are Woman, You are Strong! & You thought you could, you thought you could, you thought you could….You could! You are terrific, Celi. A great inspiration to us all.
I was going to say, “You’ll be fine,” but you’d already done it! IMHO the main difference between a car and something bigger is that more care and attention is needed. Independence is good too!
I think you are very brave driving a trailer around. have a great day! 😀
Congrats on your driving success! I’ve never commented here before but wanted to leave a little note – I came across your blog several months ago now, and it has become such an appreciated part of my daily routine, as I settle down with my first cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I love your words and images – they make such a meditative and peaceful start to each new day, those lovely natural rhythms of animal life and daily farm to-dos (as a PhD student and new mother, who used to spend a great deal of time on small farms as a WWOOFer myself – seems worlds away now). I send weekly postcards to my grandfather and just bought my first batch of postcards from your shop. Grandpa is an old farmboy (back in Ontario, Canada) and I know he’ll get such a kick out of that photo of Molly the pig, and the rest of your cast of characters. Thank you, and all the best as you continue into the fall season!
I just love you sending your grandfather weekly postcards. What a wonderful thought and I can just imagine how he looks forward to receiving them. When I left home, in South Africa, 25 years ago to live in Paris, I sent my mother weekly letters and postcards for many years and she lived for them. ❤️😃
Mail is so special, that would have been lovely for you to keep up with your mum that way! Grandpa is a taciturn sort but he seems to enjoy my weekly ramblings – and it is such a fun game to hunt for new postcards to send him. 🙂
WooHoo! You GO girl! I hope you are thrilled with yourself XO
Good on you for driving that truck! I have a tough time backing up with a trailer in tow, but it sounds like you don’t! Beautiful photo of mama and baby (must be Rainbow?)
Yes that is rainbow. She is such a pretty calf
Congratulations to both of us for facing the fear monster! Our fears stemmed from different points, but the pit of our stomachs still ache and there is a hint of moisture on our foreheads. YaHoo for human will!
It absolutely amazes me to even hear you talk of having the slimmest acquaintance with Fear. You are one of the most dauntless people I know! You have conquered so many widely and wildly different realms of learning, work, and creative-inventive endeavor that I’m breathless merely thinking about what fortitude and persistence and grace it takes just to tackle them, let alone master as many as you have.
So I, for one, am grateful to hear you speak of being intimidated by anything at all. It gives me hope that this Superchicken should and can suck up enough gumption to get through the next day—hey, maybe can even dare to do some of the things that I want to do that still scare the socks off me!
Thanks for the kindly kick in the pants, my dearest.
Kath
Excellent! Congratulations on overcoming an understandable fear!
Congratulations. I have been driving my much smaller rig and it was scary at the beginning. You can’t wait to be rescued, so you do it. But first you have to give yourself the courage to just try it. Then you find you can do it and it gets easier. Well done!
Yippee! Great News! Now you don’t have to wait on anyone to have the time to help you~ such freedom! Backing the trailer was always my nemesis. Too bad we can’t just always go forward 🙂
BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO !
Well done 🙂 I find that irrational fear sometimes stems from the first time you did it there might have been two or more people all shouting differing instructions at you, then again maybe not? The big thing to remember with a trailer is to remember extra tail length:) Laura
I absolutely love that phrase!
I agree about the trailer just following you, with stock onboard it feels heavier and you use way more fuel, the return journey, well you forget its back there. Backing up the trailer is the real art. I can do it at home or if there is noone watching but backing it up to the unloading ramp at the abattoir with people watching is a different story!
My fear is having to inject a sick pig, on occasion I have to do it but I never get over the fear. As we get older we do less to challenge ourselves ( or maybe we know more stuff?) So I think its good to do some things that get us out of our comfort zone.
You are a brave, strong and amazing woman!
Good on you, for driving the stock trailer, but more for calling that fear out, holding it up to the light. And reminding us that dealing with fear is a lesson that keeps finding us all.
I understand completely and am SO PROUD of you for getting bloody and doing it! We have a large horse trailer and, even though Brett says I could pull it with his truck, it totally intimidates me — and I’m not easily intimidated. I much prefer that he do the trailer hauling.
Well it seems you aren’t a cow, Cecilia! I mean, you went “up steps” but also “down steps”. (Drove forward AND backed up!) Congratulations. And to top it all off, this was IN THE DARK. But who was the hog? Anyone we know?
One of the pigs I am fattening for the restaurant-
LOL, You GO Girl! You’re already done with “the backing up” so there’s nothing left to fear anymore!: )
Well, if this morning you were feeling Bloody determined, now you should be feeling Bloody triumphant. If you’d asked, Miss C, none of us would have doubted your capability for an instant. Now, trailer towing is another example of “Excellent!”, isn’t it? (PS: My very first experience of towing a trailer was to bring all my possessions 1500km north when I got married. After the first 100km, I realised I was an idiot to be nervous. After the first 500km, I almost forgot it was there…)
Fantastically well done! You deserve the coffee, a pat on the back, and all the hassles you are going to save in the future by being a pig pilot!
So PROUD of you!!😀
Am learning from you again! When I say ‘feeling bloody’ I usually mean ‘scared shitless’ !!! Well, you got mad and you got determined and you had promised and you needed the brass and you found out it WAS possible after all !! And the second time it will be easier and the third time you will sing along to the music and wonder why you allowed the ‘big boys’ to make you believe a mere female could not deal with a truck and a trailer and a hog singing aloud in the back . . . one more life’s lesson . . . .
Big truck, big trailer with (big?) pig–all in the misty dark: Big Girl !
(No, sorry, I meant to say, “”Right person for a big job!” )
And now
A big hand for another step forward! 🤗🤗🎶
I can surely relate to a bit of fear about hauling a trailer and livestock. It’s more than just hooking up, and loading up. One has to be much more aware of everything while driving – you have precious cargo back there! No stopping on a dime or going back easily if you make a wrong turn or get lost. And then there is backing the rig efficiently for unloading. Doing all of this by yourself is no small deal. Bravo to you!
I am so glad I found this missed post! I was so far behind that I totally missed this. I’ve towed a trailer but it didn’t have anything live in the back. I know the fear you were feeling because it was my first time and had my husbands big expensive motorcycle in the back. But unlike you, I do not know how to back one up. It has to keep going forward. ;( Bravery comes from necessity. You did it because you had to and then you push through the fear. That’s what always happens to me anyway. I’m so glad to have read this. Helps me feel more courageous.