TWO BY TWO

I try so hard to allow myself to feel the contentment of what is in my moment. To lie in the damp sunlight and chew my cud.  To wander from patch to patch lazily searching out green. Instead, I endlessly worry about things that have not even happened yet. Committing solution scenarios to memory.  Looking for problems that have not even happened. Caught in that circular earworm of list-anxiety, a mute, unformed sense of dread for nought, that splintering unease that spirals, exhausted shadows at my feet.  An animal reacts instantly to any one of these by freezing then listening or running. Us poor stupid humans have to worry at the trouble notion,  caught,   we are a dog unhappily gnawing on an impossible to hold nasty-coloured, chew-toy,  laid there by the open door. 

But this morning I awoke with no worries and decided to stay in that lovely benign forgetful moment for as long as I could. For once I am on top of my list. There is nothing ahead of me that I cannot handle. With my latest airbnb guests tucked up in bed asleep, Our John finally back at work,  and the rain falling gently into an undawning dawn  I feel a certain contentment for the moment.

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The three hogs have sold which will give the farmy funds to buy another round of hay (if I can find more) and pay for a ton of feed and seed for the next round of pigs that should arrive this week.  (I am buying four for Jakes). I have a plan for that new field.  My new trailer seems sturdy for its journey this coming Monday. And the grass is turning even greener.

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The sprouts are sprouting.

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Poppy is beginning to drop.  (That fifth leg is “you know who”).

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I am selling seventeen dozen eggs a week.

And I am trying not to worry about the next dip in temperatures.  A little anxiety is normal. Not to worry about a little worry. It is that time of year. Maybe the pasture will continue to grow?  Maybe summer will eventually come.

I hope you have a lovely day.

Celi

WEATHER: Cold and wet and probably windy.

Thursday 03/29 100% / 0.04 in
Cloudy. Periods of rain this morning. High near 50F. Winds NNE at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of rain 100%.

Thursday Night 03/29 10% / 0 in
Cloudy. Low 31F. Winds N at 10 to 15 mph.

Sun
6:41 am 7:14 pm

Moon
Waxing Gibbous, 95% visible 5:22 pm 5:54 am

 

 

41 Comments on “TWO BY TWO

    • I walked out into one of the hay field this morning and it is indeed growing. I am, now, very glad I did not go for that last greedy cut because the fields already have some feed in them – just cleaning up the standing hay – I need pasture in a month!

  1. I started reading this and worried that you had some new big problem that was stressing you. And then it was like the sun came out. You sound so chilled and calm! And that bread looks amazing….

    • See? Ever the worrier. Not to worry, Kate. You know that old saying “I will cross that bridge when I come to it.” Wish I could DO that. Wish I had a bridge to cross too for that matter c

  2. The image of that peacock on the fence just seems perfect: beautiful casually posed simply appreciating what that moment was. As a perpetual worrier of “what if” that “pause and look around and it’s OK” is indeed valued (and something to work towards more often…our habits train us HAHA…maybe that’s why dogs, cats, and animals work wonders with people – role models and reminders?)
    The traditional pre Easter storm roared through last night and is sweeping out. Hope your end of week is easy.

    • Just the pause is so important don’t you think – getting ones balance – standing on one leg. Mr Flowers is like essence isn’t he – so concentrated..

      • Essence, yes. That image, and Phil Mouse’s comment inspires me. So does this sentence, which soon will become a saying (because Im going to say it a lot): “Not to worry about a little worry.”

        Great photos today. All of them. I had saved the first one (from a previous post, im pretty sure) because of all it says. Can’t repeat it all exactly; images speak their own language. I just like to look at that photograph and think . . .

        of how in a darkening world all our divisions (farm fields, alienated family members, lost loves, entrenched political positions, national boundaries, religious disputes, moral failures)– in all these divisions the separation is narrow and could be seen to disappear up ahead, there is life on both sides, the light will return, and the divide itself can have a positive element; e.g. drainage.

        But more than that, the picture captures a mysterious beauty in nature. So do the others. And your words too, when you let thoughts loose. They capture something in human nature.

        (Sorry for the ramble. It’s been raining here for too many days. I needed a cheer up.)

  3. What a wonderful feeling when all is going well! 🙂 Mr. Flowers is gorgeous! That just may be a pic for the calendar! 🙂

  4. I am loving your sprouts updates. They are making me obsessed with sprouts. I am definitely going to grow some for my own consumption. I love sprouts. So many options! I hadn’t even considered sunflowers til you said you will do them. Various websites say beans are the among the hardest, which seems odd since they are the common one on salad bars, aren’t they? In anycase. Sprouts are in my future. 🙂

    • I fed some to the three hogs this morning (too early for forage but if it were me i would be eating them at that stage ), I could not wait another day! and it felt really good to be mixing the sprouts in with the boiled eggs and grains. Very good. c

  5. We humans do waste a lot of energy on worry. That is the hardest thing to stop doing. Glad you had a few moments of peace and calm. Looks like Boo is doing a good job keeping an eye on Poppy. The bread makes me hungry. I love homemade bread.

  6. Good boy Ton 🙂 Spring is coming, spring is coming. Soaked my seeds overnight and have rinsed 3 times today, the Mung beans are sprouting, the lentils not so much, I am only on day two though. Just looking at Mr Flowers feathers I think you might have to do a Prince Of Wales arrangement rather than a wreath this year. Laura

    • OH – I will have to look up Prince of Wales arrangement. Maybe I should collect Mr Flowers feathers when he drops them and have a raffle! Imagine getting his feathers in the mail. Is that weird?

      • One tall feather in the middle with shorter ones on each side. I;m sure some interior decorator shops would also love them? Laura

        • We used to carry peacock tail feathers and sell them for $6.00 each and had trouble keeping them in stock, the pheasant feathers sold well too. It was a metaphysical shop and we had all kinds of unique things. I miss it and would love to have a way to open again in a brick-and-mortar location, plus we had great customers and most were very interesting people.

  7. Me, I love radish sprouts! They add a certain ‘zing’ to things, Sort of a mild horseradish flavor. The piggies are coming! The piggies are coming! Hurrah!!!

  8. Wonderful post … the life of a farmer is a lot of hard work with more than a bit of anxiety about things that you can’t control (like the weather) in spite of all the planning that you do. But, as my dad used to say, it was HIS hard work and planning that had a lot to do with his success. (My dad was not afraid of hard work and never complained about it.) And … as long as he could feed, clothe and house his family, he was a happy man. It sounds like you’re a happy woman. All the best to you.

  9. Partly it is our age I think. We’ve learned how to imagine everything, for better and for worse. And partly, yes, it is the season. As hopeful as Spring is, it’s a turbulent time that can cause anxiety. I am glad you found a day of equilibrium. The baked bread says it all.

  10. I don’t think it’s entirely a bad thing to be a little anxious….maybe a different word is needed….vigilance maybe? When I worked in child protection, one of the things we looked for in parents being investigated was their ability to anticipate their child’s needs, an important attribute when you have care of beings dependent on you…….and that’s what you’re doing I think……anticipating the Farmy’s needs. Important to pause too, take a breath, taking time to look around with clear mind and eyes, and actively seek that place of peace and calm. 🙂

  11. All I can do as I read your gentle movement towards mindfulness is to wish you that lovely Buddhist blessing:
    May you be happy.
    May you be free from suffering.
    May you come home to your completeness.

    I also use it in its original form, May all sentient beings be happy, may all sentient beings be free from suffering, may all sentient beings come home to their completeness…

  12. Hello Cecilia. i am a bit of a worrier too and had been wondering how could i ever stop this. It drains me of energy and i know that nothing good comes out of this worrying. Reading your article made me feel better..at least i know i am not alone in trying to over come this problem.

    • No, you certainly are not alone – I try to enjoy that lovely disconnected moment when I awake. I try to tell myself to only worry about the things I have control over – that shrinks the list!! Have a great day. And welcome to The Lounge! c

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