My mother died when I was a young Mum, very young actually, I was in my early 20’s with four children already. Then a baby girl later, who never met her Nan. But we all know that. What we forget is that Mum was the mother to 5 other children, two of whom were girls. She was OUR mother. She left three daughters, very young women all. And Mum was young too… 49 (actually she was 50 but she said to say 49. It is more dramatic, she whispered – cancer did not interfere with her sense of humour.) But my little sister was still a teenager when her Mum died.
50 is such a rich time in a woman’s life because 50 is very close to the Change of Life. The Big Secret. The Witching time. The aging. The Menopause. I know this is a shocking word. Menopause. I know by saying this word many of you turn off. You become furtive, what if they think we are obsolete if we are infertile, you think. Many of you look over your shoulder and hope ‘The Men’ are not reading. We live in a society that worships youth. The menopausal woman has been trained to Shut Up about it. But I have no idea what to expect. My Mum never reached menopause. So my map is incomplete. If she had, Mum would have known what to say to me and my sisters. But my Mum is not here. Mum is not here to say that Menopause is OK, it is not dirty or sad. It is a beginning time. Or is it a long time? I don’t know.
But what am I to tell my little sister? What shall I tell her? How shall I draw the pathway that she will follow. I am the oldest. I want to write a letter for my sisters.
So I thought I would ask you. Many of you have mothers who can teach us, many of you are old enough to be able to tell me real stuff I can pass on to my sisters. Many of you have gone through the woman-a-pause and are in a gentler phase. Many of you are men who have been through the menopause with your mothers, or your wives. Many of you are young women watching your own mothers struggle or not struggle. Maybe menopause is simple for some women. Did you feel the need to buy a red sports car? Did you have dizziness or hot faces? Were you a little drifty and forgetful? Or did you want to yell and stomp? Do you still? Were you terribly tired? Or manic with an itchy foot? Did you think that if you had to make one more dinner for a silent man you would shoot somebody? Maybe I will have no trouble at all? Maybe my sister won’t have any problems either. But she is half a world away and she has no mother. What shall I tell her?
I know this is a taboo subject but I don’t care. We need to gather our information. This is what I thought.
Then I thought; this is such a wonderful subject, such an empowering subject, there is so much I want to know, you and I are sure to have so much to say. The comments section will be heaving. Then I thought: what if I were to turn the comments section into a book for my sister and THEN I thought. Let’s WRITE a BOOK. You and I and all the Fellowship. We can write a book together. Let’s collect 100 essays about Menopause,100 anecdotes, 100 mad things, or funny things, or poems or paintings, or telling things your aunts said or your granny told you or your mother experienced or you have felt. I am not going to call it The Change. I am not going to whisper it. I refuse to think that running out of eggs in my ovaries means I am less powerful than I was yesterday. Maybe I am more powerful.
I know you are wondering what this has to do with a farm journal blog. Um.. looking deeply.. nope.. Nothing!! But it has everything to do with you and I. And I know for sure that many of you have no mothers, or your mothers cannot speak about these things, I know that many of you have something to say about this. Many of you have been through it. Many of you are IN it. And many of you are stronger for it. Many of you have been silenced by it. Tell me. Write it down for me. So I can collect all your words into one glorious letter to my sister.
Are you brave enough. Do yu want to add your words? Do you have a sister or a daughter or a mother? Shall we make a book? I cannot pay you. I have no money for this. Though I think we will find it then pay them back. But I don’t care about that either. But I feel deeply that we should write it. You and I. You can write a short or long essay. And you should all get a credit. I think we should yank this subject out from under its rock. I know that you and I will probably have to buy the copies to give to our sisters and daughters and nieces, just to pay for the printing. But will you write something? Will you leave you name on the bottom of the paragraph? Your voice is important. Clever writing is not important. Grammar is not important. Length is not important. Spelling is not important. (Spell check does great things.) Punctuation is not even important. YOU are important. 12 words or 1200. Every voice is worth listening to because we all go through this one way or another. We are totally equal in the progression of womanhood.
Are you brave enough? You can all write. Everyone can write. Will you write something?
Make a comment. Even if you have never commented before. Let me know what you think and I will email you with more details. Shall we write a book together.. you and I?
If you cannot comment but want to join, my email is celima.g.7@gmail.com
There is no-one else like you. No-one else sees it like you do. That is how important you are.
Your friend on the farmy,
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
152 responses to “A letter for my sister”
Been there ..done that….and I’m in too …love the idea !!
I will need a copy! I am a young-ish mother and most days feel older and tired. I always thought menopause was going to be great other than hot flashes. I think I am mis-informed and will need a copy of this book.
I think we will discover that many women have many different physical responses to menopause.. no need to fear it i am sure! c
I’m in! My mother had to have a hysterectomy before menopause. I went through menopause at age 43.
Cool! Sounds fun. I don’t have much to share, yet, but I’m willing. I’m 51 and in just dipping my toe into those waters right now.
My vision of the secrecy of menopause isn’t the same as yours; I see it as a secret only in that it’s something women share that men will never understand. Not awful, not to be dreaded–just another arc to complete the circle. A mystery, really, not a shame.
The crone whispers to the young mother, and all the women laugh while the men sit on the other side of the fire and wonder what’s so funny.
That is kind of how I want this book to be too, cackling crone-like. Love that image. Everyone is different too..
I am on the other other side, tho only just turned 50. My past is similar to yours in that my mother died of cancer @ 52 when I was 25. I have no idea if she was in the beginnings of menopause as she was of the “we don’t speak of such things” persuasion. I just started a little list of notes in a text file. I am not much of a writer, never have been, but I will write about my experiences. Reflection can be a good thing.
Morning Kim, just write the way you speak, write it as an email if you like, then your own voice will shine through. I will email everyone as soon as i can work out how to make a group thingy in gmail, but 1200 words max.. it will be wonderful.. thank you.. c
at 74 I should be able to write a whole book myself on this subject, but I can’t. Not because it is taboo, no never, but because I never went through the menopause. I had a hysterectomy when I was about 40 and it relieved me of al those problems. I will add that one of the benefits was getting my 6 monthly dose of medication which boosted my sex batteries to the hilt. I had a wonderful time.
My eldest daughter who is now 55 has not had it so good. She has suffered sweats, hot flushes, mood swings and all the other paraphanalia that goes with it but she has come happily out of the other side without too much mental damage ( not that anyone would have noticed as she is scatty in her normal way of life)
I will add that this is just a normal pattern of how your life should progress. It is nothing terrible….freedom at last
Celi, I would love to join this project!
It is interesting to read about how many of our mothers had hysterectomies! Mine did too. And I was almost slated for the same route … Then I came across a young gynaecologist who was using a different approach. I had been experiencing a TWO YEAR LONG period … and was teaching at the same time. It was damn near driving me crazy! So I agreed to try the new approach – an IUD that released small doses of progesterone daily. Wow! Amazing! Within a month everything evened out and I haven’t had a period since then. The IUD is used to bridge the process between premenopause and the end of menopause. It greatly diminished the hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia and … general grouchiness! 🙂 I am due to have it removed this coming summer. If my body develops an overactive hormone cycle again I’d gladly go another round with the IUD. They last four years. One of my sisters is checking this route out as well. Good thing to have mothers and sisters to share experiences with – and those sisters can be blood relatives or ‘sisters by chance’!
Thank you.. do you want me to file this into the book? as is, it reads very well..or would you rather email me your contribution.. celima.g.7@gmail.com.. c
File away as is! Interesting reading this morning!
Wendy Parliament
Oh yes count me in! Being 64 I have been there and managed to come out the other side a different person. Much like Diann i took the natural way through it all. Had no one to give me advice (yep I also have a mother who prefer not to talk about ‘those kind of things – heck she doesn’t even like it when someone says “breast” !!). But luckily enough the great internet was just starting up and I could do research on my own. Took me awhile and a lot of experiments, but came up with a herbal solution that fit my needs. Mainly things like Black Cohash, Fenugreek, B vitamins, Evening primrose oil etc. (have to look up my list of what I took). I certainly don’t miss my reproduction years – had two children before the age of 23, and that was fine with me. Suffered badly with the monthly periods, with a good dose of migraines, cramps, bloating, the whole nine yards! Now I may get the odd hot flush, which is wonderful in the winter (especially winters like we just had LOL) and maybe night sweats, but that may be just I don’t have air conditioning and it can get pretty darn hot during the summer nights. But these are hardly things I worry about. Luckily I have always been a very open minded person and do not find any subject taboo, so my daughter has all the information and knows she only has to ask if she needs more.
Just a side note – do you know why they call it ‘Hysterectomy’ ? Because back in the day the so called medical geniuses found that woman going through menopause where often prone to hysterics, so they reasoned that if you removed all the ‘womanly’ bits it would cure her! Either that or she ended up in a nut house!! Not kidding, many women that ended up in a mental institution where sent there because she was having a hard time with menopause and the men in her life (husband and doctor) thought she had completely lost it!!
Hugs, Lyn
Lynda, that is a great contribution, would you like me to use this as is? I like it. Love the hysteria reference. Do you want to sit with it for a day and then email it to me.. celima.g.7@gmail.com
You can use what I have written as is, this is fine with me. If I think of anything else that is relevant I will let you know . Looks like you have some great material with all our friends here!!
I’ve seen my mom go through years of hot flashes, mood swings, all the negative aspects of menopause and then have a hysterectomy because of ovarian cancer at the age of 70. Her difficulties lasted close to 35 years. I was blessed in that I had an easy period every month and at the age of 48 just stopped having them. Never have had a hot flash yet and I’m now 62,Never experienced mood swings or excessive anything that I saw my Mom go through. And, yes, I was terrified that I would go through the mood swings, the hatefulness, the seemingly different personalities. I cannot imagine how horrible it was for Mom to go through those things and not be able to control them. The Doctors put her on a variety of medicines, vitamins, and I’m not sure what all, but they didn’t seem to help. My sister and I were told that we would probably have a difficult time also. Sis did have some mood swings and hot flashes, but they were mild.
I lived with the pain of menopause through my Mom’s experiences. My daughter, aged 40, is going through the night sweats and hot flashes. But, guess you could say I never really did experience menopause myself, even though technically the medical personnel say I’ve gone through it. I know how blessed I’ve been!
Do you want me to file this as is Katy? If so I will take it away across to the master document. I love spontaneous writing. c
Count me in! At sixty seven, I have passed the Menopause and lived to tell the tale. A very long tale in my case, but then I do not have a text book body. I can in all honesty say I am unique! I have two blog posts that I want to concentrate on this weekend. Once they are out of the way, I’ll make a start. I can feel the words tumbling around already. Please give us a cut off date, otherwise I might let it go on and on!
Celi, you are a brick (a golden brick) you care and share so much. We all need to share, particularly the taboo subjects, it is only in sharing that we realise we re not alone. Knowing you are not alone is half the battle.
Wonderful.. my word maximum will be around 1200. But you just go ahead. There is plenty of time. I will email soon with the details.. the response has been fantastic, this is going to be marvellous.. c
I’ll have to ruminate on this one and email you later. Mom barely told me anything about when I changed from being a girl to a woman (what she did tell me traumatized the *&^% out of me) and while I saw her go through the pause I was too young to understand and she didn’t tell me anything. By the time it was even remotely close to me knocking on pauses door, mom had Alzheimer’s so again I had no mentoring from her or my sisters. My sisters were from a generation that did NOT discuss such things.
good, have a think and let me know and the wonderful thing is that in a book you can use Language! no need for &$*&%.. just extending what you are saying is certainly relevant.. c
Celi, count me in! I’ve been quite vocal about menopause and the changes I’ve faced. I’ve been met with all sorts of responses – some positive but most people feel it’s a taboo subject. I hope we can change that with this book! What a wonderful idea to gather various experiences… because when I first had questions, I never did find a book that encouraged me and spoke to me.
I love this picture of Sheila and Poppy, btw. I made it my laptop wallpaper!
I remember my mom going through menopause. I want to say she was in her mid-40s. The skies darkened. Thunder clapped, lightening flashed, fire and brimstone rained upon our earth and burnt our crops. Don’t get me wrong, there were some bad days, too… (this has been filed as is straight to the book c)
janine I took this away and filed it. Love it. If you want to amend it at all, let me know. You will get an email soon. c
I don’t even know, Celi. I fell asleep while I was proofreading it. *LOL* I’m sure it’s as good as it’s going to get or I wouldn’t have hit “post” even in my sleep. Glad to be of help!