My mother died when I was a young Mum, very young actually, I was in my early 20’s with four children already. Then a baby girl later, who never met her Nan. But we all know that. What we forget is that Mum was the mother to 5 other children, two of whom were girls. She was OUR mother. She left three daughters, very young women all. And Mum was young too… 49 (actually she was 50 but she said to say 49. It is more dramatic, she whispered – cancer did not interfere with her sense of humour.) But my little sister was still a teenager when her Mum died.
50 is such a rich time in a woman’s life because 50 is very close to the Change of Life. The Big Secret. The Witching time. The aging. The Menopause. I know this is a shocking word. Menopause. I know by saying this word many of you turn off. You become furtive, what if they think we are obsolete if we are infertile, you think. Many of you look over your shoulder and hope ‘The Men’ are not reading. We live in a society that worships youth. The menopausal woman has been trained to Shut Up about it. But I have no idea what to expect. My Mum never reached menopause. So my map is incomplete. If she had, Mum would have known what to say to me and my sisters. But my Mum is not here. Mum is not here to say that Menopause is OK, it is not dirty or sad. It is a beginning time. Or is it a long time? I don’t know.
But what am I to tell my little sister? What shall I tell her? How shall I draw the pathway that she will follow. I am the oldest. I want to write a letter for my sisters.
So I thought I would ask you. Many of you have mothers who can teach us, many of you are old enough to be able to tell me real stuff I can pass on to my sisters. Many of you have gone through the woman-a-pause and are in a gentler phase. Many of you are men who have been through the menopause with your mothers, or your wives. Many of you are young women watching your own mothers struggle or not struggle. Maybe menopause is simple for some women. Did you feel the need to buy a red sports car? Did you have dizziness or hot faces? Were you a little drifty and forgetful? Or did you want to yell and stomp? Do you still? Were you terribly tired? Or manic with an itchy foot? Did you think that if you had to make one more dinner for a silent man you would shoot somebody? Maybe I will have no trouble at all? Maybe my sister won’t have any problems either. But she is half a world away and she has no mother. What shall I tell her?
I know this is a taboo subject but I don’t care. We need to gather our information. This is what I thought.
Then I thought; this is such a wonderful subject, such an empowering subject, there is so much I want to know, you and I are sure to have so much to say. The comments section will be heaving. Then I thought: what if I were to turn the comments section into a book for my sister and THEN I thought. Let’s WRITE a BOOK. You and I and all the Fellowship. We can write a book together. Let’s collect 100 essays about Menopause,100 anecdotes, 100 mad things, or funny things, or poems or paintings, or telling things your aunts said or your granny told you or your mother experienced or you have felt. I am not going to call it The Change. I am not going to whisper it. I refuse to think that running out of eggs in my ovaries means I am less powerful than I was yesterday. Maybe I am more powerful.
I know you are wondering what this has to do with a farm journal blog. Um.. looking deeply.. nope.. Nothing!! But it has everything to do with you and I. And I know for sure that many of you have no mothers, or your mothers cannot speak about these things, I know that many of you have something to say about this. Many of you have been through it. Many of you are IN it. And many of you are stronger for it. Many of you have been silenced by it. Tell me. Write it down for me. So I can collect all your words into one glorious letter to my sister.
Are you brave enough. Do yu want to add your words? Do you have a sister or a daughter or a mother? Shall we make a book? I cannot pay you. I have no money for this. Though I think we will find it then pay them back. But I don’t care about that either. But I feel deeply that we should write it. You and I. You can write a short or long essay. And you should all get a credit. I think we should yank this subject out from under its rock. I know that you and I will probably have to buy the copies to give to our sisters and daughters and nieces, just to pay for the printing. But will you write something? Will you leave you name on the bottom of the paragraph? Your voice is important. Clever writing is not important. Grammar is not important. Length is not important. Spelling is not important. (Spell check does great things.) Punctuation is not even important. YOU are important. 12 words or 1200. Every voice is worth listening to because we all go through this one way or another. We are totally equal in the progression of womanhood.
Are you brave enough? You can all write. Everyone can write. Will you write something?
Make a comment. Even if you have never commented before. Let me know what you think and I will email you with more details. Shall we write a book together.. you and I?
If you cannot comment but want to join, my email is celima.g.7@gmail.com
There is no-one else like you. No-one else sees it like you do. That is how important you are.
Your friend on the farmy,
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
152 responses to “A letter for my sister”
I’m in, too. To say this should be interesting is an understatement!
Hi! My Mom passed when I was 33 and I had four young children at the time and I had my youngest son a few years later. She had a hysterotomy in her mid 40’s and had pancreatic cancer at 67. The menopause subject never
arose but my sister, who is 14 months older than me, and I share what we symptoms we have and I share them with my three daughters and my two sons. We laugh a lot about my aging which is usually how I get through life.
Great subject to talk about! I love the pic of Sheila and Poppy!
Interesting topic. My mom had a surgical menapause so I had no compass. It hit me all at once when a lady said
I was going through the change. Change? What change? I am simply sweating to death in this store and they could
sell a lot more clothing if they amped up the A/C!!! 😉
Then one Sunday I cried and cried and cried and just couldn’t stop! I called my doctor and he put me on hormone replacement meds. Well…I started to feel like my old self again! I stayed on them for two years the max for safety.
During that time I educated myself and found that this was going to be a liberating time! But first I had to get over
the fact that I was no longer young and fertile. But still not old either! It was rather said to say good bye to tampons and pads and the idea of letting go of youthdom. But then it was actually pretty great to not have to worry about when it was going to
come and where I would be when it happened! I don’t mean hopping in the sack and fear of pregnancy…I mean
do I have a tampon in my purse? Do I have to find a drug store? Yikes! And then there were the mood swings
a week prior! LOL I figured that before perimenapause I actually had two good weeks a month! Geesh!
So menapause is not so bad at all!!!! 🙂
Hot flashes, night sweats, and weight gain! Dry skin, thinning hair and my shoes are too small!!!!
It is all part of life and when you understand what you are going through and what to expect it makes it so much easier!
You are not alone! Ignorance is not bliss when you start this new phase of your life! Knowledge is huge and saves your sanity!
All is normal and ease into it! I don’t have any self doubts about myself anymore, no worries about how I look, or what I want out of life! All of a sudden all is crystal clear! You don’t like me? Fine with me! I am me and I think I am pretty darn great!
I am a woman! A strong, happy, self assured woman who knows who she is and likes who she is!
I say share! Share! Share! Share!
I learned to layer and peel off extra clothes, I walked miles and miles and got into the best shape! I did yoga that helped me relax and chill out! I swam everyday! For once in my life since I was 12 years old I felt empowered and strong!
It can be a time to cherish life and embrace a new part of being a woman!
For the first time in my life I say the cuss words that I always wanted to say and I don’t give a rat’s ass who thinks whatever!
Ha! It is a good time if you know what to expect and you are not alone! Being in the dark is terrible.
Goodness…you asked! 😀
We are only afraid of the unknown…a good sister shares everything! 😉
Thank you so much for doing this, I will absolutely purchase a copy! My mom passed away five years ago at the age of 82 after a 17 year battle with CLL (chronic lymphatic leukemia). She never once talked to me about menopause, but like so many others, had a hysterectomy (I’m stunned at how common this was!); her leukemia was diagnosed shortly thereafter. One thing I did learn from her was that night sweats were one of the symptoms that signaled when she was coming out of remission and would have to go back on chemo (she was on and off of various forms of chemotherapy for 16 years). I’m 47 and have been having night sweats and hot flashes for two years. When I asked my doctor if I was starting menopause, she rolled her eyes at me as if I were crazy (oh how I’d love to show that idiot doctor just how many woman my age have already commented!). That was the last straw. Thankfully, my two older sisters are trying to offer guidance (one is going thru it now and the other is done), but we seem to all be having different experiences and the oldest was flying blind, just like you. This has been such a confusing and difficult time for so many women, myself included, and since my doctor was so incredibly unhelpful, I am very much looking forward to reading all of the essays you collect. Thank you so much for doing this. I truly, truly appreciate it … (in tears as I type) I no longer feel alone!
WOW! Outstanding idea! Count me in. My maternal grandmother, my mother, and myself all started this whole long process (turning into a mature woman) in our 30’s. Back then the medical field just threw birth control pills at me…my mother and grandmother suffered horribly. Here is an interesting thing…in my family hot flashes never go away. I remember seeing my poor mother in her late 60’s (she died at 70) sitting on the back step with sweat pouring off her face. For my lineage this crossing over is miserable. But honestly once over it is so much better…although, the hot flashes are still rather intense!
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
P.S. I hope to get my computer back on Monday.
I am in. How fast can we do it? I woke up this morning convinced that I have either lyme disease or a blood infection from a botched pedicure. It’s a relief to think that it might be menopause.
YEs, I am in, I agree, no more silence, we need to speak up so the younger ones have the knowledge we did not have !! I am excited to be part of this wonderful project !!!! My mom passed before I needed to know so I had to wing it all on my own !! I will buy for my three girls for sure !!!
I just looked and my wordpress account does not give you a place to contact me, my email is http://www.stephiewil2@aol.com, thanks !!!
I have a question for the group – how come so many people feel they can be ‘more themselves’ once they come through menopause? It is really related to the hormonal changes … and to the physical changes … or is it that many of us are at the time of our lives when we are retired, or semi-retired – our kids have flown the coop – and our time is more our own to fill?
excellent question, we should also pose that when we start work on the actual essays.. thank you
I think a lot of it is down to what we believe is ‘expected’ from us. I know us Baby Boomers were still under the old laws of “a woman’ s place is n the home and having children” and that is what most of us did. We didn’t even pause to think about whether we actually wanted children! We got married, had kids and lived happily ever after – well at least that is what the story books said! Then some us said “Hold on a minute, what if I don’t want to be known only as Barry’s wife, David’s mum?” “What if I would like people to know me by my name and what if I want to do things outside of this marital bliss?” That’s when a lot of us became those silly things that burned our bras and shouted from the roof tops that we were more than baby machines and cook and bottle washers! I am not saying the younger generation has it any easier than we did, just different problems around the same old what is expected from the female gender. The freedom that menopause does give you is the fact that those expectations lesson and suddenly you become a person in your own right again, and when you state your mind and give your opinions people just take it as that time of your life you are going through LOL And let you get away with so much more, but also you cease to care what people think about you and there is certainly less expectations!
I never felt that way. Yes, I can have kids, but I have the maternal instincts of a rock. I cried when I got my first period, and I’ve done all I can short of paying someone to give me a hysterectomy to keep from having periods since then. Currently 42 and have a coil in, it’s working pretty well. I can’t wait until those bits no longer work as advertised…
My mother went through menopause in my pre-teen years. She had a rough time, and looking back, I realize she felt alone, lost and ANGRY. I wasn’t a dramatically rebellious child, but will never forget the day she told my father through clenched teeth, “Today, I had the urge to kill!”
My own experience was different. I would love to reflect on it and share!
I am in too! My mother never discussed menopause with me, possibly because she had minimal to no symptoms (I’m not sure but this was the woman who raised me to believe that almost no one had menstrual cramps. ).
OK that made me laugh! I am printing that!! no menstrual cramps! still laughing.. c
Excellent idea! I don’t think it’s a taboo subject at all. We relish all sorts of antics from your animals and know their cycles and eccentricities. It anyone can capture the fun and bittersweet in the topic of menopause, it would be you, Cecilia! I would love to contribute. You are such a compassionate heart to be thinking of your sister this way. I know the book will be a wonderful treasure to her, and to all us girls who muddled through without much advice.
I dealt with menopause by eating soya, and supplementing it with high dose capsules. I grew sage for tea, and took black cohash. I used ice cubes on pulse points to cool flushes, dressed in layers that were easily and quickly removable, had a paper folding fan by the bed which had wooden ribs from sandalwood, avoided spicy food, never had hot drinks in the summer, kept well hydrated, reduced my sugar intake … And few other things. But the menopause doesnt stop when your flushes stop. The next thing is bladder control, thinning tissues that cause UTIs, thinning hair, brittle nails, aching joints … I use dandelion and cranberry extract for bladder issues. Perhaps I should put some of this into a doc or PDF file?
You have 1200 words, i am sure you will use them well.. plus.. maybe a poem?
Yes! Yes! I’ve written about it on my blog once or twice during the long perimenopausal stage but now that I am officially menopausal, I have some different views. My mother had a hysterectomy when I was in middle school and died before I hit the peri- stage so I too have made my own map at the (for me) surprisingly young age off 51. I would love to contribute. Seasweetie@gmail.com
Cecilia, have you h hit a raw nerve or what?
Life is wonderful isn’t.. we really ARE a fellowship!..