There is a little devil in me that hates for me to succeed. I have lived with this little devil all my life. This devil in my brain is a saboteur. Time and time again I get so close to wonder, so close to real creation then I change tacks and wander off to something else. Sabotaging myself. 
Yesterday was the day I was going to send my last piece of writing to my mentor for her to look at it and make notes before the final edit. The whole book of letters to my sister is ready except for my own piece. My own letter to my sister. The inspiration for the book. In fact the crux of the book.
I only have the tiniest of edits to do before I can release it.
So yesterday I went shopping. I collected books from all over the house and filled the book shelves in The Coupe. I ordered semen for the cows. I booked all the flights for John’s son to come home on leave. I ordered more chicks for a second run of chooks for the freezer. I shifted hay from one side of the barn to the other. I moved all the stock about the farm. I dug out the North door again. Then I rearranged my bedroom, rearranged the linen cupboard, I stripped the bed and then I did more laundry than a sane person should be doing. I threw out all the clothes I will never wear again and hauled the bags to the car. I sat in the long grass and photographed animals.I weeded and watered into the night. I turned the volume up on my talking book (The Good House by Ann Leary. So far it is a great listen). 
For the last two days I have done everything but write. I had to stop myself starting the endless work of booking my tickets to NZ in October. I must get onto that, My little devil said. I mean I really must!
I allowed my Little Devil to drag me down the road of sabotage. Maybe I had done enough I thought. Maybe it would be alright without another edit. Maybe it did not need that much polishing. No-one would mind surely. I am not that important. All the other letters are wonderful. I am little, no-one will notice. Punctuation is for sissies, said my little demon.
My little devil needs a good kick.
The book: Letters to My Sister must be brought into the light. Collecting all 63 of your beautiful letters to my sister about menopause is probably one of the most important things I have ever done. The art department is already at work. The printers are being priced. All we need is for me to finish my letter and then write my bio. So I am going to take the next two days off from the blog and I am going to rewrite the bloody thing then send it to my darling mentor.
Starting now.
There. No more sabotaging myself right at the cusp. I need to break that cycle. I have you now.
Your friend
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
60 responses to “Sabotage”
Yes, for sure you can and will do it! Sending energies to focus and write! xo
It’s fear….. You want to finish it, but there is a nagging fear of failure. I know that little devil. His name is doubt, so we find 1000’s of other thing to do as an excuse. We’ll let me say something to that guy devil doubt, “go away, our Miss C is fabulous and her letter is going to be fabulous!” Put me down for 5 copies. I have 4 sweet ladies that are not even 30 yet that I want to give this book to when they turn 35. Our family starts menopause at 38 to 40, so I want them to understand life continues….
Cecilia, I can totally relate to your put-off behavior. Glad you’re putting that little devil in its place…behind you…and you are charging ahead with your letter and bio. Yay!!
go get on with it! Laura
I too tend to find ways of sabotaging my success. But then again, how does one measure success? It is different for each of us. Maybe deep down I fear what will happen if I somehow managing to get everything done. What will I do then? Or how does someone go about getting everything done? My being seem to thrive on busyness and chaos. I also find that in those busy and chaotic times my most creative thoughts and ideas flood me.
So keep on going Celi and eventually that little devil will get worn out and quiet long enough for you to put your special thoughts and feelings to paper.
I seem to find “busy work” to do when there is a deadline or something of importance to tackle… like the Daisy book I started to write. It’s been on the back burner all of this time. It’s all part of the process, Celi. We make realizations all along the way – like your saboteur edging into the scene and poking its little devil fork at you. You’ll get tired of being poked, and the desire to take care of the last details of the book will prevail and you’ll feel great accomplishment at last!
We are all rooting for you and know that you will do a wonderful job completing your book. You throw that little devil in the pig pen and Sheila will keep him occupied.
Boy, do I ever understand!
Linda
http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
This is known as displacement activity to all kinds of creative people. It happens. But you win through in the end when the time is right. Bon courage.
Love,
ViV
PS I stole that picture of Marcel and Poppy chatting.
Ah, sabotage, we know your name. You will put the devil in its place. And I never sent you my contribution, I am sorry. Another kind of devil, sometimes called Life, overwhelmed.
I was so worried something happened to you yesterday, too. Never have you gone without telling us. Your devil has many brothers and one lives with me, too. Of course, in the end, he will not win, but we sure get a lot done in the meantime, don’t we?
No reply as you are not there..you are busy doing what you are supposed to be doing
Ah Cinders, it’s not really a little devil…well maybe a little…you see, we all do this…it’s a tiny bit fear, a tiny bit excitement, a tiny bit doubt…tiny bits of lots of things in this process, we call success or finishing something very important to us and especially when it involves others. You are putting your last thoughts together, even though you are doing other things. Your contribution to this book will be brilliant…we all know that and we cannot wait to read it. It will be wonderful and will be the most lovely gift you could ever give to your sister…it’s love!
You and I share the same devil. If you can banish it behind you, then I can, too!
My house was never so clean as when I had a paper due in college. I do think on a certain level many of us self sabotage, but deep down I think it is really about fear of failure. Your mind is protecting you with bad logic. I used to do a lot of self sabotaging until I got really comfortable with failing. In all those failures came so true enlighten lessons. The more I was proud of my self for trying without having to be a success, the more I was actually successful. And best of all I have learn a lot in the process. If we look at the journey of life as an adventure and not a succession of wins…we can relax and live in the present moment. Que’ sera sera!