There is a little devil in me that hates for me to succeed. I have lived with this little devil all my life. This devil in my brain is a saboteur. Time and time again I get so close to wonder, so close to real creation then I change tacks and wander off to something else. Sabotaging myself. 
Yesterday was the day I was going to send my last piece of writing to my mentor for her to look at it and make notes before the final edit. The whole book of letters to my sister is ready except for my own piece. My own letter to my sister. The inspiration for the book. In fact the crux of the book.
I only have the tiniest of edits to do before I can release it.
So yesterday I went shopping. I collected books from all over the house and filled the book shelves in The Coupe. I ordered semen for the cows. I booked all the flights for John’s son to come home on leave. I ordered more chicks for a second run of chooks for the freezer. I shifted hay from one side of the barn to the other. I moved all the stock about the farm. I dug out the North door again. Then I rearranged my bedroom, rearranged the linen cupboard, I stripped the bed and then I did more laundry than a sane person should be doing. I threw out all the clothes I will never wear again and hauled the bags to the car. I sat in the long grass and photographed animals.I weeded and watered into the night. I turned the volume up on my talking book (The Good House by Ann Leary. So far it is a great listen). 
For the last two days I have done everything but write. I had to stop myself starting the endless work of booking my tickets to NZ in October. I must get onto that, My little devil said. I mean I really must!
I allowed my Little Devil to drag me down the road of sabotage. Maybe I had done enough I thought. Maybe it would be alright without another edit. Maybe it did not need that much polishing. No-one would mind surely. I am not that important. All the other letters are wonderful. I am little, no-one will notice. Punctuation is for sissies, said my little demon.
My little devil needs a good kick.
The book: Letters to My Sister must be brought into the light. Collecting all 63 of your beautiful letters to my sister about menopause is probably one of the most important things I have ever done. The art department is already at work. The printers are being priced. All we need is for me to finish my letter and then write my bio. So I am going to take the next two days off from the blog and I am going to rewrite the bloody thing then send it to my darling mentor.
Starting now.
There. No more sabotaging myself right at the cusp. I need to break that cycle. I have you now.
Your friend
celi
The Kitchen's Garden 
60 responses to “Sabotage”
I do that too. So many started projects. So few finished ones. No cow semen in my life, but other equivalents. Closets. Homework. Etc. Partners help a lot. And you have many pulling for you. Many who will offer their hand and say, “Let’s jump!”
Yep me too -really good at starting things , but hopeless at finishing!
Gee Marcel is looking just great. He certainly is growing into a great one.
You are almost there with the book Cel -kick that darn devil away.
and i thought i was the only 1 that was an expert at stalling
I empathise with your procrastinating before the finish line of any project. Painters, sculptors and famous writers all suffer in this way. Take the time and have a carrot, read treat for when you are finished. You can do it!
It’s displacement activity. Bad, but boy, do you ever get a lot done in your endless quest for ANYTHING other than what you should be doing. Dear Celi, how will you ever fly if you do not step off the edge? Come back to us when it’s done. We know where you are, and we’re behind you. Go and produce something great.
LOL I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you. Frequently, I sit down to write and I get a burst of energy. I think it comes from deep in my psyche, creative forces gathering, all the potential beginnings and endings and details in between whirling around in me like Dervishes. And so I often “find” myself weeding, running the dogs, weeding, watering, weeding, digging, inspecting for slugs. Anything but sitting still and writing. Until I figured this out, I suspected that I had ADD. I’m just now trying to sit with and through this initial burst of energy while keeping my keister still in the chair. Oh my, it isn’t easy. I have to take deep breathes and remind myself to stay seated. My success rate at this is still dismal… duct tape or rope may be needed to imprison myself to the chair 🙂
Yep, been there. When I was supposed to be finishing my PhD dissertation, I wasted so much time on ironing, cleaning the fridge, going to a movie, ANYthing to avoid the desk chair, I finally ended up moving to a remote cottage with no distractions just so I could finish it on time. I am very slightly better now, depending on the project, but am really, really proficient at making excuses, haha.
Spoken like the perfectionist that you are, which many of us can appreciate. But it is sort of true that punctuation is for sissies, when you know an editor who thinks that stuff is fun will fix all the little technical glitches. Just send it. And then breathe.
I understand! I truly do! Just do it, Miss C. Jump!!
Okay, am I the only one who was disconcerted by the absence of a farmy blog post yesterday? There’s always a post everyday even if its a shorty, it seems. I had dire thoughts of death and dismemberment from farm equipment, of tornadoes whisking C and Sheila up into the sky (cue the wicked witch music), or just plain old loss of internet service. I did manage to get through my day, tho I did wonder. I even got my hair shorn, if only I had curly hair like Marcel! That devil of a saboteur has his own bedroom at my house. So, he can stay here for as long as you need him to. Do your writing. I’ll tie him to the bedposts….and not in a fun way!
Yes, you can do it. We jumped. Come on, jump!
Wonderful pictures your little devil produced, by the way. The first looks like it should be titled “The Fatal Thrust!”
We are all sisters… 😉
i understand this completely. know that you deserve this and are entitled to see it’s success in it’s completion. i look forward to it.
Good luck! I think that little devil appears in lots of people when the work involved is less exciting than the world around you 😉
Your feelings are so familiar…when I was writing my thesis, it seemed as if washing the bathroom was more appealing! Good luck with the last part!
Ha yes I know that feeling, do anything but the thing your meant to do! I wondered where you were yesterday too, got slightly worried, then told myself off for being a worry wort ! Go for it Celi x
Thank you for admitting to wondering too! Mostly because it makes me feel like less of a whack job…haha
Type Celi, type! We’re rooting for you..if you hear the faint sound of a cheering section in the quiet countryside where you are, that’s us, the Fellowship! Or maybe Sheila and Poppy… 🙂